


Love Me Like It's Real

by 17jeongcheol



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mpreg, Seventeen - Freeform, jeongcheol - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-01-22 22:10:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 64,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21309433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/17jeongcheol/pseuds/17jeongcheol
Summary: Jeonghan has been cheated on by Seungcheol for a daily basis and it takes him a lot of courage, fake smiles, and sometimes an expressionless façade, to let Seungcheol know he isn’t affected at all – not when Seungcheol isn’t looking. So if it’s not for love that Jeonghan can still not get mad at Seungcheol for being a womanizer, then what must be it?
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 38
Kudos: 141





	1. Love Me Like It's Real

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted in asianfanfics (https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1146036/)

**Excerpt:**

“Just this once, let me pretend that I have feelings for you… that I don’t hate you. That I married you because I love you…” Seungcheol asked in a hoarse voice, almost begging. His request stung and felt like a painful wound inside his heart.

It hurt. But Seungcheol’s drunken state, begging eyes, and miserable look made Jeonghan to just want to agree with everything this man would ask. Besides, when did he have the heart to refuse what this man wanted? Even if he asked him to give his life for him, he’d do it. Even if he asked him to give back his freedom, he’d do it. Even if it hurts, even if it kills him, even if Seungcheol didn’t learn to love him despite of the things he has done and is ready to do for him… Because what hurts most more than seeing the one you love hurt because of you? He’d rather receive all the pain than cause him more pain by just being with him.

> _I don’t have the right to be hurt, just like the way I don’t have any right to love him, because his heart already belongs to someone else… Because of my selfishness, he couldn’t be with the one he really loves… _


	2. CHAPTER 1 [On the Wrong Side of the Bed]

“Seungcheol-ah, wake up…” Jeonghan called as he gently tapped the other’s shoulder, silently admiring how handsome his husband was. A gentle smile crept upon his lips upon thinking of the word ‘husband’.

He still felt giddy, like everything about their marriage still felt surreal even though it has been almost a year since it happened. But as a proof, the little diamonds on the wedding ring he wore shone brightly when it was hit by the sunlight creeping through the curtains, making him smile at the real-ness of the marriage.

Many people call him lucky. Being married to a rich, business genius was enough evidence of his luck.

He sat on the edge of the bed and drowned his eyes with Seungcheol’s angelic sleeping face – his natural red lips he had always wanted to taste, his pointy nose, his thick eyelashes which every girl would be jealous of, his eyes that when open were very expressive and dreamy… But he knew better. Since they got married, those eyes which used to stare at everyone including him like he was in love with them, suddenly changed into a cold, piercing one. Especially to him.

His eyes felt hot and he immediately composed himself, telling himself to do what he should do and that was to wake his husband up. With a little more force than the first, he tapped his shoulders again and gently called for his name. “You’ll be late for your meeting with the clients. Wake up, please...”

The other man slowly sprung up, his disheveled hair and sleepy eyes just made him a lot attractive in Jeonghan’s eyes. And as if teasing him, his blanket rolled down as Seungcheol got up and sat, revealing his naked upper body to him. He gulped as he unconsciously stared at his body, suddenly feeling hot. His cheeks felt hot.

“I’m awake now, do you plan on just sitting there forever?” Seungcheol arrogantly asked, his sharp eyes pierced through him before he pushed him off the bed, hard. Jeonghan wasn’t prepared for that so he stumbled on the [thankfully] carpeted floor and let out a soft _‘Ack!’_. He bit his lower lip to fight the pain he felt. Not physically, but emotionally.

“Now get out before I kick you out myself!” Seungcheol’s pissed voice echoed throughout the big four-cornered room, leaving Jeonghan feeling like a child who had been scolded by his mother.

Jeonghan hung his head low before murmuring a soft “sorry”. Controlling his tears, he stood up and walked fast out of the room, ignoring the sharp pain he was feeling on his ankle. It must have been twisted when he fell on the floor.

Holding onto the bars of the stairs like his life depended on it, he slowly and carefully continued his way down while letting out soft cries of pain in every step he made.

_Jeonghan, this is nothing. You’re already used to this, remember? It’s your fault, anyway. You stayed on his bed too long when you clearly know he doesn’t like it when you’re near him… _he defended his husband._ You deserved it for forgetting._

Limping, he continued his way down the kitchen to warm up the food he had prepared beforehand until he was met by Nanny Park’s unhappy face. If her expression was for him, he knew he deserved it for making Seungcheol mad early in the morning.

“It’s Seungcheol’s fault, isn’t it?” Nanny Park asked, pertaining to his now swollen ankle. Nanny Park was Seungcheol’s nanny since his birth, and so when they got married, Seungcheol’s only wish was for them to have her in their household. He didn’t regret granting his wish since the nanny almost became like his own mother when they started living together. Besides, she made his life a little better when he and Seungcheol started living together.

Jeonghan tried to shake his head to oppose what the nanny said, but Nanny Park raised a brow on him, as if telling she wouldn’t believe him if he answered otherwise. The nanny had witnessed too much of their everyday scene that it already seemed impossible to fool her.

But he didn’t want the nanny to feel torn between him and his husband whom she had been taking care of for almost three decades. So he forced a smile and said, “No, I tripped on the bathroom and got my ankle twisted. Seungcheol has nothing to do with it, it’s my fault and––”

“Yeah, that’s true. He tripped because of his own stupidity.”

Jeonghan almost jumped when he heard Seungcheol’s voice. He was standing on the kitchen’s entrance, fresh from the shower and his hair was still wet, his eyebrow raising, as if threatening him to say the right words or he’ll be dead.

“Really? But I heard you shout, Seungcheol,” Nanny Park countered, still refusing to believe them.

Seungcheol seemed to be caught off guard so Jeonghan immediately answered in behalf of his husband. “I tripped on his bathroom when I was replacing his shampoo bottles, he saw me trip on the bathtub and tried to catch me.” Jeonghan unconsciously bit his lip, silently wishing the nanny would finally believe him and let the topic off.

“Yeah, that’s why we’re here to get some ice for his ankle,” Seungcheol seemed impatient and uninterested as he started tapping his foot on the floor, earning gazes from him and Nanny Park. “What? We’re telling the truth.” Seungcheol nonchalantly added, his face void of any emotion.

Sighing, the nanny turned her back to get some ice for the compress. If she believed them or not, only she knew. When the cold compress was done, she handed them to Seungcheol who was a foot away from him and started preparing the breakfast.

When the nanny was finally busy preparing the food that Jeonghan personally cooked, Seungcheol strode towards him and grabbed his arm a little too harsh and Jeonghan fought the urge to whimper. “Tell her you’ll eat later. I don’t want to eat with you, get it? I don’t want to lose my appetite.” Seungcheol angrily whispered in his ear.

Jeonghan felt like his arm would get a bruise later due to his husband’s grip, but that pain was nothing compared to the pain he felt when he heard what he told him. Nodding, he gave him an understanding smile. But instead of smiling back, the other just grumpily let his arm off before handling the cold compress to him and walked towards the dining table.

_I made him mad again._

“Nanny Park, I’m not hungry yet. Let Seungcheollie eat a lot, hm? I’ll just put ice on my ankle.” Jeonghan said as he slowly skidded out of the kitchen and limped back to his room. Tears rolled down his cheeks as the image of Seungcheol’s angry face appear on his mind, as if telling him he was his most abhorred person.

_It’s my fault that he’s like that._

\- - Diary Entry - -

_Hey, Diary. Thankfully, I only got a small bruise on my arm that it’s almost unnoticeable. Yay, I don’t have to wear long sleeves tomorrow because who wears one when it’s summer, right?_ _ㅋㅋㅋ__ Today, Seungcheollie ate the breakfast I made. I am so happy! Nanny Park said he ate a lot, which means he liked it, right? Right? It doesn’t matter if he thinks Nanny Park was the one who cooked it. He still ate it, so it’s fine __ㅋㅋㅋ_ _Oh, don’t worry about my ankle. The ointment I discovered a few months ago is really good I could even forget it hurts! Miracle, right? _

_ BTW, I still won’t lose hope that one day, Seungcheollie will notice how much I love him. Until then, I’ll remain as the positive Yoon Jeonghan that people know me as! _ _ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: No hate for the real Seungcheol, please. This is just a fic hohoho. In this fic, you have to forget that our SCoupstasteu is a beagle king~ So… Did you like the first chap? Comments are loved.


	3. CHAPTER 2 [When He’s Drunk, I Become Her]

When Jeonghan and Seungcheol got married, the latter’s ultimate condition was for him to solely do what a common housewife’s work were – cook, keep the house clean, do the laundry… everything – without any complaint. Maybe to Seungcheol, he was thinking it was a way of _revenge_ since he knew that Jeonghan had lived a comfortable life and knew nothing of the household chores. But what Seungcheol didn’t know was that even if Jeonghan had lived the life of the privileged, his parents had taught him to live like a simple person, which meant he should do everything on his own (if he himself can do it anyway) despite of the fact that their home was housing lots of maids to maintain their needs and their mansion.

He was five when he first learned the wonders of the broom and the mop to sweep their mansion clean. He was eight when he had observed how their maids do their laundry, which was to sort the white-colored ones from the colorful ones, then put them on the machine. That was also the same time when he learned the right way to fold clothes.

When he was thirteen and had his first crush, he learned how to bake some pastries, starting from the easiest to learn cookies up to the complex way of baking a special-flavoured macarons. And from then, his interest with cooking grew bigger until he learned almost all the recipes their maids could cook. And he felt proud to have learned it all, thanks to his simple and humble upbringing.

So if Seungcheol was thinking he was punishing him through making him do all the house chores, he was completely wrong. In fact, Jeonghan was having a lot of fun doing all of it knowing that it’s all for his husband. Serving him made him happy. Knowing the fact that Seungcheol eats what he cooks and uses the clothes that he prepare were enough of a consolation for his tiring day.

The only chore that he couldn’t do though, no matter how hard he try, was to iron clothes properly. If he wouldn’t burn the clothes, then he’d burn his hand instead. And that’s when Nanny Park came to help, unbeknownst to Seungcheol.

And why was Nanny Park even there when she has nothing to do, anyway?

Simple.

Seungcheol just didn’t want to be living in a house alone with just him around.

***

“Jeonghan-ah, can I ask you something?” Nanny Park asked while they were busy preparing dinner. Jeonghan was the only one cooking while he asked the older to just clean and cut the vegetables and keep him company. Cooking alone was boring, anyway. And Seungcheol wouldn’t allow him to go out with his friends, much to his dismay. But he didn’t complain.

Jeonghan looked at the old woman who was staring imminently at him and asked, “Of course. What is it?”

The nanny stopped chopping the carrots. “Why did you agree to marry Seungcheol? I know I’m not in the right position to ask, but you had the chance to decline the marriage, right?” When he didn’t answer, the old woman continued. “Why did you let yourself suffer through going on with the marriage? Seungcheol became… different, I almost couldn’t believe he was the kid I raised.” There was sadness and sympathy in her voice.

Jeonghan froze. The question wasn’t new to him.

Seungcheol was the first person to ask him that, and he had to answer the same again. “It was his parents who proposed the marriage,” Jeonghan started. “My parents didn’t see any problem with it. We both are from the elite, our businesses are doing well. I was single—”

“But Seungcheol wasn’t,” the old woman interrupted. “That’s why I’m wondering why you pushed through with it.” The nanny neither sounded mad nor reprimanding, just plain curious.

Jeonghan nervously chuckled, turning his back on the old woman to face the kimchi stew he was making. It was a good thing that his body was blocking his hands when he tried to have a taste of the meal. His hands were shaking, for Pete’s sake. He decided to hell him a partly true answer that even Seungcheol didn’t know. “The first time I laid my eyes on him, I already knew in my heart that he’s the _one_.”

Jeonghan sighed, reminiscing the time when he was twenty and Seungcheol was twenty-one. They met at a top businessman’s extravagant wedding anniversary party, wearing uncomfortable yet expensive tuxedo and his long hair was styled to a style he wasn’t used to. Yet, he had to go with his parents and endure the boring world of the businessmen. Some of the visitors were to his age, but most of them were in their mid-fifties and up. All of them were dressed lavishly.

_He was enjoying a glass of wine on his parents’ table when a glamorous, beautiful old woman together with whom he supposed was her husband due to their interlaced arms, approached their table. His mother’s face lit up when she saw the newcomers._

_“Sanghee, Taeil! It has been a long time!” His mother greeted, offering the lady and her husband a peck on the cheek. _

_“Has it been what, eleven years since we last saw each other?” Jeonghan’s father asked, shaking their hands._

_The newcomers chuckled, then their gazes went to him. He flashed them a smile and greeted, “Hello. I’m Yoon Jeonghan, their only son. Nice to meet—”_

_“Mom, Dad! I’m sorry I’m late,” a male voice interrupted. “I had to bring Hyelim home...”_

_When he turned to the male, he knew he looked funny while he stared at him. He was mesmerized by his eyes—they were very expressive and seemed to be promising a lifetime full of love. Their eyes met, he was surprised when he smiled at him which showed the perfect set of white teeth he had and he noticed he also had dimples on both his cheeks. His heart was beating fast…_

_“Oh, hi! I’m Choi Seungcheol, you are…?”_

“Jeonghan?”

Nanny Park’s voice interrupted his thoughts, making him jump a little on his place. He gently shook his head to clear up his thoughts. “Huh? W-were you asking something, Nanny Park?” He quickly turned off the stove and started to clean up.

“I was asking how can you endure your husband’s treatment? I mean, he almost treats you like a slave when he knew I wasn’t looking,” the nanny asked.

Jeonghan let out a small laugh. “What do you mean by slave, Nanny Park? I am just doing my duties as his wife, is all.”_ And I’m also doing it to earn his forgiveness, for taking away something precious to him. It’s the least I can do—to live up with him and endure his way of taking revenge… After all, I love that man, no matter how badly he treats me._

The nanny sternly looked at him, analyzing if he was telling the truth. And he hated it every time she’s doing it, because he didn’t know if he covered up his sadness well or it’s obviously showing. He knew he wasn’t born an actor, or was he born a good liar, but he hoped he could at least fool an old woman.

“I’ll believe you,” Nanny Park said, raising his hopes up. “But only for now.”

Jeonghan smiled. _It’s better than not at all,_ he thought.

“Oh, it’s almost eight. Hurry up and wash yourself, you smell like kimchi. Your husband will be here anytime. Go, go,” Nanny Park commanded, pushing him a little to the kitchen’s door. Jeonghan smiled and obediently walked away, happily humming to himself.

_Seungcheol will be home, we can eat dinner together…_

***

When the main door opened, Jeonghan immediately sat up and prepared a smile for his husband. But his smile automatically faded away when he noticed Seungcheol’s droopy eyes and wrinkled long-sleeved polo. He smelled like alcohol, too.

He was drunk.

Jeonghan immediately went by his side and took one of his arms around his to support his weight. Now he just didn’t smell like alcohol, but he also smelled a faint smell of a woman’s perfume. There were also red stains on his collar and it was obviously from a red lipstick. He fought the urge to over-analyze things and just focused on getting him up to his room. He couldn’t disturb Nanny Park in her early sleep, so he had to do it by himself.

“Seungcheol-ah, you’re drunk…” he said as they were walking towards the grand staircase._ And you also dated a woman again, _he wanted to voice out but chose not to. He felt him sniffing his hair, and he felt his body become hot when he realized how close Seungcheol’s face was from his. “Y-you should only drink what your body can take.”

He heard Seungcheol laughed mockingly. He tried to break free from him but he didn’t let him. He might fall on the stairs. “Who told you… you can nag m-me?! You’re my wife, _yesh_… But it _doeshn’t_ give you the right to tell me what to do! You get it?!” Seungcheol slurred, his droopy eyes now staring mad at him. Jeonghan murmured a soft “sorry” but Seungcheol continued, “If only you didn’t come to my life… I would be so happy with Hyelim, I wouldn’t be _misherable_, I wouldn’t be mad with the world…”

_He’s drunk, Jeonghan. They are words of an overly drunk man. Don’t fret on it._

_But people don’t hesitate to say what’s on their minds when drunk, right?_

_Stop. You know you really did make his life miserable. You are his misery._

“I’m sor—” but his words were cut when he felt all of Seungcheol’s weight on him, dismissing the two sides of his thoughts. He must’ve passed out.

His heart felt warm upon staring at his face. He still had the same effect on him, no matter what circumstances they were in.

When they reached the front of his husband’s room, he turned the knob and carefully placed the man on the huge bed. He felt the hot liquid fell down from his eyes but he ignored it and instead, took Seungcheol’s clothes off to make him feel comfortable. He tried to avoid making a big deal out of the lipstick stains on his clothes and went to the bathroom to get some hot water, clean towel, and a small bowl. When ready, he started wiping him clean, quietly and carefully.

“Hyelim… I _mish_ you…” Seungcheol mumbled. His eyes were closed so Jeonghan was shocked when Seungcheol took his hand and kissed it gently.

He must be having a dream. A dream where he was Hyelim and not the Jeonghan who ruined his life. He bit his lip stop himself from crying loud. _If only I was Hyelim, you wouldn’t be this miserable, right?_

“Hyelim-ah, I’m _shorry_ if I had to break up with you… I had to marry that bastard or _elshe_ they’ll make your life _misherable_. I’m _shorry_… I _wash_ scared for you… They already did it with my brother’s ex-girlfriend…” Seungcheol said in a hoarse voice. A tear then rolled down his eye, a proof that even when sleeping, Seungcheol was also hurting. He held Jeonghan’s hand tighter, as if not wanting to let go. The ‘they’ he said must pertain to his parents. It was difficult for him to watch Seungcheol tear up.

Jeonghan closed his eyes and hugged the sleeping male. “I’m so sorry, Seungcheol. I had no idea you would be this hurt. If only I could turn back time, I wish I could have thought of something else instead of opting to marry you. I could have chosen a different choice. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Jeonghan whispered as if the other could hear him. Tears continued streaming down his eyes he could almost drown.

_\- - Diary Entry 293 - -_

_ Diary… Am I a bad person? I made a choice thinking it was for the best. Seungcheol is hurting as well as I. But I know he’s hurting more. Did I really make the right decision? I chose it because at that time, it was the only option. Marrying him would free him from Hyelim, and it would be my chance to show him how much I love him. Now I am having doubts if he would be better with her than with me?_

_ Just please… give me a sign. What should I do? My positivity meter is slowly dying along with my heart. Please let Seungcheol see how much I love him. I don’t want him to hate me forever. Even if the only thing he could offer me is friendship, I’m more than willing to accept it. Just… don’t let me be a villain for him, please._

_Yours truly,_

_YJH_


	4. CHAPTER 3 [So Fast and Hard]

*****

Jeonghan woke up to the sound of the gusting winds hitting the windows of his room. He remembered that the weather forecast he had watched last night had reported that a storm would probably come by the next day. But he didn’t expect it would be this early. Heavy rain also started pouring, and it was really dark outside. The temperature was too cold, and the air conditioner on its maximum temperature didn’t help at all. He fumbled his hands through the drawer beside his bed to look for the controller and turn the machine off, but was disappointed when he remembered he put it at the dresser at the other end of the room. With a throbbing head, he stood up, but immediately sat back down when he felt his head throb harder. He winced. His eyes felt heavy too, and he knew they were swollen from both bawling his eyes out and sleeping late. Judging from the headache he felt, he guessed he only had an hour or two of sleep. He looked at the clock beside his bed and saw it was just 6:15 in the morning.

_Is he still asleep?_

Wrapping the comforter around his body and desperate to lessen the cold, he stood up and slowly made his way towards the dresser and took the controller. He struggled on doing so, because his vision was also blurring he couldn’t see if he was touching the right button. He also decided to take painkillers from the medicine kit inside his room.

When his back touched the bed, his eyes automatically closed and dozed off.

_The wedding anniversary was only one of the many times that Jeonghan had seen Seungcheol on business parties. ‘Seen’, because the next encounters would only be consisted of Jeonghan seeing the other, but the other either just didn’t notice him or he was just too focused with his girlfriend to even talk to the lanky guy he met at Mr. Oh’s party. Or maybe he had forgotten about him all along._

_ During those times, he tried hard not to mind the tight feeling he felt on his chest whenever he saw Seungcheol and his girlfriend kissing like there were no people other than them. They couldn’t be separated, and Seungcheol’s eyes were always with her, not even a second they looked at another girl. It seemed like his chances were already gone even without starting to make a move. Seungcheol obviously loved his girl._

_And from then on, he realized he should just be contented watching him from afar, and stop giving himself false hopes. Years had passed and his routine called ‘secretly loving someone from afar’ remained the same. Until one random day, to his utmost surprise, Seungcheol’s parents came to their home, asking his hand for marriage. Of course, he was confused and didn’t know what to think—Seungcheol has a girlfriend, why should he marry him?_

_But then, he knew in his heart that he wanted to marry him, for no matter how ridiculous the circumstances were for him ending up being in an arranged-marriage set-up, his heart had already agreed the moment he heard the proposal, even if it wasn’t from Seungcheol himself._

_The wedding came after a month of preparation. Everything came fast and sudden, exciting and scaring Jeonghan both at the same time. And during that one month, never was there a day when Seungcheol did not attempt to convince him to back out from the wedding. But all of it were futile attempts, for in the end, they still ended up married._

_"You may now kiss," the priest announced, making his heart beat twice its normal speed. Was he just excited to feel Seungcheol’s lips on his?_

_Seungcheol leaned in very close, blocking his face from the guests' anticipating eyes, as if kissing him. And not only was he surprised when he smelled a faint smell of alcohol in his breath, but also, he was left stupefied when he heard his words against his ears—raging, taunting, and filled with loathe._

** _"I just want you to know that not because I married you means you already won,"_ ** _ he whispered, his hot breath tickled Jeonghan's ears which sent shivers down his spine. **“I swear… I’ll make your life miserable, in every possible way there is. You’d regret the day you married me.”** _

_Jeonghan shivered, because the tone of Seungcheol’s voice was already promising pain and suffering. A few seconds after, his then husband gave him a searing and punishing kiss, as if sealing his promise of revenge…_

Jeonghan opened his eyes when he felt something damp on his face. He saw Nanny Park’s worried face and a towel on her hand, now making its way on his neck. He tried to get up, but the old woman clicked her tongue and pushed him back to lie down like he was a little kid.

“Just rest, you have a fever,” she said.

“Oh.” Jeonghan muttered._ That’s why I feel so weak when I woke up._

Nanny Park’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Don’t _‘oh’_ me, you kid. You were already burning with fever yet you didn’t even dare call me! You were sweating so much when I came that I had to change your clothes.”

Jeonghan confirmed it when he saw he was now wearing a new set of pajamas. He smiled to himself and thought that it felt good to have someone show concern for him once in a while. He held the woman’s hand and muttered a soft “thank you”. The woman just shook her head and continued nagging him about the importance of taking care of his health, especially now that rainy season had officially started.

Jeonghan softly chuckled while pretending to listen to the old woman’s continuous nagging, bobbing his head up and down whenever she’s trying to prove her point. He closed his eyes, feeling refreshed and slightly better. He was gulping down the pumpkin soup the nanny made when he heard Seungcheol’s angry and commanding voice. “Jeonghan, I want my coffee in five minutes!”

He flinched. Because truth be told, he somehow felt scared. No, he’s really scared. Not because of what Seungcheol could do to him, but because of what he would _feel_ when he sees him. He saw worry on the nanny’s eyes.

“I’ll do it,” he said. “I’ll be fine.” And before the nanny could restrain him from getting up, he speedily went down his bed, left the room, and walked lickety-split towards the kitchen and started making the coffee.

Because he couldn’t trust his dizzy state, he put the mug of hot coffee over a tray and balanced them on his way to Seungcheol’s room. Nanny Park met him halfway the stairs and tried to get them, but he politely refused and continued his way towards his destination.

He reached the room and found the door already opened so he didn’t really have to knock. With wobbling legs, he took few steps inside and found Seungcheol on his treadmill, sweating and with no shirt on. He gulped.

He’s already used to seeing him with no shirt, but seeing him all sweaty while working out was a different case. How many times had he seen his husband’s naked upper body? Nonetheless, he was still in daze by looking at his physique. He watched as those muscles flex with his every move. But his eyes stayed on his milky white chest a little longer. Because of it, he forgot to get his attention and give his coffee, and his allotted five minutes had also been long over.

And right then, as if in slow motion, Seungcheol’s head perked up and his eyes met his. His eyes were like a replica of a huge explosion—burning and raging. “What took you so long? Why, is five minutes too short to make a coffee?”

He was taken aback. “I-I’m so sorry, Seungcheol…” His lips quivered, so he lowered his head and silently cursed himself. Damn it, what’s happening to him? His knees were shaking and he couldn’t even think straight. His mind was filled with so much thoughts he couldn’t even understand a thing. His speedy heart rate also wasn’t helping at all.

Seungcheol took his shirt from a nearby table and got dressed. On the other hand, Jeonghan placed the mug of coffee on the table near his husband.

“What took you so long?” Seungcheol asked as he tightly grabbed his arms and shook him angrily, “Were you flirting with that Chinese guy again?” His face became grim.

_Jun? Is he jealous?_

“Seungcheol-ah, it hurts…” he said, pertaining to Seungcheol’s grip. He also got dizzy and his vision blurred due to his husband’s shaking. “Please stop…”

“It hurts?” Seungcheol asked mockingly, “Well then, that’s _good_! So, were you really flirting with that Chinese friend of yours?” He tightened his grip more, as if he wanted to crush Jeonghan’s entire body.

Jeonghan fought his tears and shook his head fearfully. “N-no, I was in my room with Nanny Park. I’m sorry I was not feeling—”

“Never mind. Just get out of my sight.” Seungcheol sternly ordered, releasing his tight grip from the younger’s arms.

Jeonghan tried to reach him. “B-but Seungcheol, I—”

“I said get out!” Seungcheol pushed him out of the door, his force almost made Jeonghan fall if not for Nanny Park who caught him in time.

The nanny’s motherly instinct for Jeonghan showed. “Seungcheol! What’s happening to you? Jeonghan here has a fever and is not feeling well. Why are you treating him like that?”

For a while, Jeonghan thought he saw a glimpse of guilt and concern in his husband’s eyes. But he immediately dismissed the thought as Seungcheol’s eyes were blank and cold after he blinked. _It must be my imagination._

“N-Nanny, it’s okay. It’s my fault, I forgot the time—”

“Call our family doctor if he’s sick,” Seungcheol sternly cut him as he nodded on Nanny Park, clearly dismissing them. Jeonghan was disappointed when his husband didn’t even look at him and immediately closed the door, leaving him out of his sight.

_Well at least, he showed concern for me. I should be happy he suggested calling Doctor Wu,_ a part of his mind thought happily.

“Jeonghan, are you okay?” The nanny asked, concern was evident in her huge, wrinkled eyes. Jeonghan nodded and smiled. The nanny stared at him for a while, making him feel awkward. Afterwards, she helped him go to his room and lay down on his bed.

“God knows how I really wanted to get mad at Seungcheol for treating you like this,” Nanny Park started, leaving Jeonghan surprised. “But I’m convincing myself not to, because I raised him up together with his parents that I know this is not the real him. Seungcheol… he became so different. I hope he can finally notice how much you love him.”

Jeonghan froze.

“What? You think I don’t notice your feelings for him?” Jeonghan blushed, making the nanny chuckle. “I always see the look of adoration in your eyes whenever you’re looking at him. Whether he’s mad or he’s not looking at you, you always look at him as if he’s the only one in your eyes. Even if he’s always mad, sure, there is fear in your eyes, but the love you had for him is always more evident.”

Jeonghan shyly smiled. “I can’t help it. I fell for him so fast and hard…”

_ ` **- - Diary Entry 294 - -** ` _

_ `Hey, Diary! Today’s one of the rarest times I get sick. I wonder why? I don’t usually get sick easily even when I was a kid. Ah… I remember a time when I saw a huge albino snake on our trip to a zoo, I was so scared that even though I didn’t get to touch it, when we went home, mom was so worried because she said I had a fever. Then she blamed it on the snake, she said it’s because I was too scared of it ㅋㅋㅋ (it’s true though)` _

_ `Anyway, I am happy today! I saw concern on Seungcheollie’s eyes! I’m not lying, I know it’s true. It was just for a split second, but it’s already enough for me. Oh, and he thinks I’m flirting with my best friend Jun! I find it funny because Jun is like, my bestest friend and he already has a boyfriend!` _

_ `Nanny Park also told me she knows my feelings for Seungcheol… I’m shy ㅋㅋㅋ` _

_ `But it’s weird because I dreamt of our wedding, where Seungcheol told me his “promise”. I… I don’t know what to feel about it. I can never treat my married life with him as miserable, no matter how painful he seem to make it like one. For me, it’s… a way for me to make up for him? You know, I took his freedom away. Freedom to love, freedom to choose, freedom to be really happy…` _

_ `Diary… how do you unlove someone?` _


	5. CHAPTER 4 [But I Can't Pretend...]

Seungcheol was driving on his way to an expensive restaurant to have his late lunch. Occasionally, like twice or thrice a month, he’d have his fair share of dates during lunch time on business days and that day was no exemption.

Yeongmi, a young socialite who he met at a bar probably about two weeks ago or so, dropped him a message and was asking when could they meet again. Seungcheol pondered for a while, trying to trace back how exactly she looked like because frankly speaking, he had a lot of women he met and dated that it had become difficult for him to remember their faces and sometimes their names. They all kind of resemble each other, anyway. Tall, curvy, liberated, and uses thick layer of make-up to outdo one another. And this Yeongmi wasn’t anything different, was she?

A grin was plastered on his face before typing back a reply to ask her for a lunch date, and boy, how wide his grin become when she immediately agreed! He smirked upon thinking he’d surely have a good time later, with this girl being too wildly good in bed based on his experience _(he now remembered how she looked like and how she performed in bed)_ and he couldn’t wait for it.

He’s a guy, for Pete’s sake. He had his needs, specifically sexual needs, and the fact that he’s married wouldn’t stop him from having so. His face turned grim upon thinking of Jeonghan, his _overly kind_ wife. Sometimes he’s wondering how Jeonghan could keep up with his arrogance, how Jeonghan could have so much patience that it irked him more to act worse than he already did with him. Was Jeonghan just naturally kind, or was he just acting and enduring because he had a motive? It intrigued him about how Jeonghan would defend him from Nanny Park like he’s the most innocent person in the planet when it’s crystal clear that he did something bad to him, or when Jeonghan wouldn’t even blame him if he got hurt because Seungcheol pushed him or he got shoved away.

Nevertheless, the way he viewed Jeonghan wouldn’t be swayed no matter what kindness he showed. Who knows, the pretty guy might just be enduring all of it for a great price at his expense. He wouldn’t risk being with a guy who suddenly came into his life and practically ruined his life; the guy who almost made him insane.

He shook his head and cleared his thoughts. He wouldn’t want to ruin his mood when he’s about to get a good time, would he?

The travel was a good 10-minute drive away from his office, and since he already had a reservation courtesy of his reliable secretary, it wouldn’t be much of a bother for him to find a good seat. The waiter guided him at the far-end of the restaurant, a VVIP section where he could clearly see who’s going in and out of the said place, but those people wouldn’t be able to see him. A type of place he’d go into when he dates: a place secluded from people’s prying eyes and intriguing glances. He knew that if he went to a public place with a date who’s not his wife, his face would be the cover of tomorrow’s newspaper. And he didn’t need that type of bad publicity.

The place was cozy and the ambience felt good, so he relaxed himself while waiting for Yeongmi. He was tapping his fingers through his phone, typing a message for her when a sound of high heels hitting the marbled floor and seemed to be going onto his direction was heard. Seungcheol grinned and perked his head up, and he was met by Yeongmi’s seductive smile. The woman was wearing heavy make-up and a very daring red, hot dress with a plunging neckline which proudly and teasingly flaunted her huge breasts.

_Whew._

He stood up and offered her a seat, but not before giving her ass a light squeeze. Yeongmi chuckled and held his hand. Her hands were soft and smooth. “Later, baby,” she said seductively and winked at him.

Enticed by her teasing, Seungcheol smirked and nodded, licking his lips subconsciously before going back to his seat.

***

To say that Jeonghan was happy when he took a look at his friend’s face was an understatement. Jun, his best friend since diaper days, was standing a foot away from him, a grin was plastered on his face. He was posing like a model on magazine which made him chuckle. “Yah, stop it. You look funny,” he teased.

“I do?” Jun asked comically, eyebrows going up and down, his hands on his chest, obviously faking a shock. Jun sure knew how to act. “Well… won’t you give your best friend a hug?”

As if on cue, Jeonghan stood up and merrily embraced his friend. He made sure to hug him tight, because why not? This guy was as late as ever!

“Yah, Wen Junhui! You made me wait again. You’re such a diva as always,” Jeonghan muttered with a slight pout on his lips. Jun surely loves arriving late and if only he could bring a red carpet to walk along, he surely would because that’s how he just was.

Jun chuckled before he broke off the hug. “Ow, I think my bones were crushed, you must have missed me so much,” Jun whined, massaging his shoulders. “It’s just for ten minutes, angel,” he defended himself with a sly smile. Jeonghan rolled his eyes at the endearment and went back to his seat. Jun sat as well and when their eyes met, they just suddenly bursted out laughing without any specific reason at all.

Well, that’s how they were. Their friendship was one of the purest and weirdest in all ways possible. “So… how’s China?” he asked. His friend went back to his country for three months and he surely did miss his best friend so much though they never fail to talk over the phone.

Jun shrugged his shoulders. “Still the same, pollution everywhere, but still a happy place.”

“And Minghao?”

Jun blushed at the mention of the said guy which made Jeonghan chuckle. Jun pouted and answered, “Still chasing. That noodle-head is one heck of a guy, you know? He said he’s not into guys but I saw him almost drooling over my topless body one time we were at the beach, yet he said he’s straight. Just what the heck, right?”

Jeonghan furrowed his brows, confused. “Still chasing? But I thought you told me the other day that he’s your boyfriend—”

“—he is, but he just wouldn’t accept it.” Jun interjected. “I already considered him my boyfriend since that’s where our relationship will end one day, right? That I’m very sure of,” he explained, full of confidence. Jeonghan just shook his head in amusement and took a sip of his juice. “Yah, what’s with that reaction? If only I didn’t know you’re married, I would think you’re in love with me and you’re jealous,” Jun teased, his eyebrows bobbing up and down.

Jeonghan laughed and playfully punched him on his chest. “As if! You’re so not my type,” he said and stuck his tongue out to his friend. “You’re way too loud and annoying.”

“Oh, please,” Jun rolled his eyes. “I’m way too loveable than your husband who doesn’t seem to know how to smile at me whenever we meet.”

Jeonghan froze. He suddenly remembered a scene on their wedding day, during the after-party at the grand ballroom of one of the hotels the Choi family own. He was talking with Jun because he didn’t want to ruin the party’s mood through crying on one corner when it was his wedding day because of his husband’s _promise_ during the ceremony. Jun and he were talking about their childhood, and obviously were laughing at each other’s memories when a cold-looking Seungcheol suddenly went by his side and possessively grabbed him by the arm, creating a tensed atmosphere between the three of them. Jun awkwardly greeted his husband, sending his congratulations through offering a handshake but Seungcheol intentionally didn’t accept his hand. _“I believe that Jeonghan and I are already married, and your close friendship might be interpreted wrong by our guests.”_ was all he said before he bowed politely to Jun and took Jeonghan with him back to their parents’ table. He gave Jun an apologizing smile before he let himself be dragged away.

And just last week, Seungcheol mentioned Jun’s name again, in a manner that made him think he’s jealous of his friend. He was wondering why out of all his friends, Seungcheol was only suspicious with Jun? Not that he had something to be suspicious about his other friends, but really, that thought made him… _hopeful?_ Though he was already a hopeless case to start with.

“Jeonghan?” Jun called, waking Jeonghan up from his trance.

“Huh? You were saying…?”

“I said it’s you I really love, Jeonghan,” Jun said dreamily, his eyes were lovingly staring at him. “Would you like to elope with me?” There was mischief in his eyes that Jeonghan knew his friend was just being playful.

Jeonghan smiled knowingly. “Sure, but…” _Huh?_

Jeonghan shivered. What’s with the feeling that someone seemed to be watching him? It seemed as though there were eyes following his every move. He looked to his left, then to his right. But the couples who were eating beside them were busily chatting with each other. He roamed his eyes around but nobody was looking at him, except for the occasional glances the manager was giving each customer to know if they needed anything. Was he just imagining things?

“Angel, is there a problem?” Jun asked, concern was evident in his eyes. “I was just kidding, you know. I wouldn’t exchange Minghao for anyone, even you. Or do you want to order more food? This restaurant serves the most delicious prawns as far as I remember.”

Jeonghan shook his head. “No, the food’s fine. I just… I just thought that someone’s staring at me,” he honestly answered. He tried to shrug off the feeling and continued happily chatting with his friend in between eating their late lunch.

_But there really is, honey._

***

It was past nine in the evening, and Jeonghan was waving goodbye as Jun’s car sped off, leaving him alone in front of their house’s door. He exhaled. The evening air felt nice and cold against his skin.

He fumbled a key through the keyhole and in less than a minute, he was already inside. The lights were off and the only light illuminating the huge house was from the mini-bar. _Seungcheol must be drinking,_ he thought as he sauntered towards the said place. He decided to check him out in case he was too overly drunk to go back to his room.

If Jeonghan were to be honest, he didn’t like the idea that he and Seungcheol slept in different bedrooms. They were legally married, and they should share in everything, right? But Seungcheol insisted they sleep on different rooms, and Jeonghan had no other choice but to obey.

If Seungcheol wasn’t in his home office, then he’d surely be at his mini-bar. It was one of the most extravagant parts of their house which contained decades-old and expensive alcohols. Below it was a wine cellar, containing different flavours of wine from all over the world. Seungcheol’s father was a renowned wine collector, anyway.

When he reached the already opened entrance, the smell of strong alcohol were reeking in his nose. He was greeted by Seungcheol’s drinking figure, his back facing him. There were two bottles of alcohol at the counter and Seungcheol seemed to be planning on getting a third one.

“Seungcheol-ah, that’s enough,” Jeonghan stopped his husband’s hands from grabbing another bottle, causing Seungcheol to look at him. Seungcheol squinted his eyes, as if trying to recognize who he is.

“O-oh, my wife is finally home. How’s your day, honey?” Seungcheol tried to stand but the effects of alcohol must have taken control over him. Jeonghan immediately caught him and supported his weight and walked towards the nearby couch, carefully trying to lay him down. Seungcheol squirmed and fell down, and since Seungcheol’s arms were draped over his waist, Jeonghan toppled over his husband, their faces only a few centimeters away from each other.

Jeonghan’s heart was throbbing against his chest at their closeness, and he could smell Seungcheol’s minty breath along with the strong smell of alcohol, and his eyes met Seungcheol’s droopy ones. Seungcheol’s hands caressed his face, and Jeonghan was surprised when he saw adoration in his eyes, the first time in many months of their marriage it showed. Jeonghan’s eyes became misty. Had Seungcheol finally forgiven him? Was Seungcheol finally seeing his worth?

Jeonghan yelped when in an instant, their positions were reversed and Seungcheol was now on top of him, imprisoning his body with his. There was suddenly fire in his eyes, and Jeonghan wasn’t sure if it’s a good thing or not. But it was immediately confirmed when Seungcheol spoke, “My wife… my beautiful, cheating wife…”

_Beautiful… cheating wife?_ Jeonghan was taken aback. What was he saying?

“Oh! Don’t give me that confused look. I bet you had a good time today, hmm?”

“I-I don’t get what you’re saying, Seungcheol,” and that was the truth. He didn’t know what he was talking about. “You’re confusing me.”

Seungcheol’s eyes became dark. “You don’t know, or you’re pretending not to know?” He took his hands and pined them up his head. Jeonghan tried to resist, but it was a futile attempt for even if Seungcheol was drunk, his force was still stronger than his.

“P-please let me go. I don’t really know what you’re talking about. I just went to see Jun and—”

“Exactly! You went to see Jun, and as if marrying me is not enough to ruin my life, you also dated in a public place so people can take pictures of you and ruin my reputation too, right? You’re so sly, my beautiful cheating wife…”

Jeonghan’s eyes watered. He could take all of his harsh words, but accusing him of something he never did and would never even dare think of doing was too much. He loved Seungcheol so much he could never do such a thing. Cheating would never be in his vocabulary.

“I would never do such a thing, Seungcheol-ah, please believe me,” he whimpered, warm tears flowing down his cheeks. _“I love you too damn much…”_

He wasn’t sure if Seungcheol heard his last words, but his husband’s eyes softened. He thought he would be finally free from his grip, but he was more than shocked after hearing him speak. It was almost as if his heart was torn to pieces.

“Just this once, let me pretend that I have feelings for you… that I don’t hate you. That I married you because I love you… Let’s pretend we both love each other.” Seungcheol asked in a hoarse voice, almost begging. His request stung and felt like a painful wound inside his heart. A tear dropped from Seungcheol’s eyes and made its way on Jeonghan’s cheek, mixing his own tears with his.

It hurt. But Seungcheol’s drunken state, begging eyes, and miserable look made Jeonghan to just want to agree with everything this man would ask. Besides, when did he have the heart to refuse what this man wanted? Even if he asked him to give his life for him, he’d do it. Even if he asked him to give back his freedom, he’d do it. Even if it hurts, even if it kills him, even if Seungcheol didn’t learn to love him despite of the things he had done and was ready to do for him… Because what hurts most more than seeing the one you love hurt because of you? He’d rather receive all the pain than cause him more pain by just being with him.

When Jeonghan nodded, Seungcheol lowered his head and gave him a gentle kiss—the type of kiss he had long yearned for from him. He answered his kisses in a way that would convey his feelings for him, full of love and affection. Seungcheol started roaming his hands around his body, leaving hot trails on each part he touched, making Jeonghan yearn for more. And Seungcheol didn’t fail him, for his experienced hands made their way on Jeonghan’s most sensitive parts.

Their moans echoed along with the sound of the wet kisses they made. They explored each other’s body, leaving nothing but only a feeling of satisfaction. Jeonghan was so glad hearing Seungcheol’s lustful moans, for it only meant that what they were doing was pleasurable for him.

Seungcheol’s thrusts became deeper, faster, taunting his insides with pleasant and lustful feeling, making him want for more.

Jeonghan almost reached heaven, if not for Seungcheol who whispered someone else’s name as he climaxed. The name of the person he almost married, if Jeonghan had not come out of the picture.

_“I love you, Hyelim…”_

And Jeonghan’s world crashed right before his eyes.

Jeonghan was torn to pieces.

He couldn’t pretend, after all. Because he loved Seungcheol, really, he truly did, without any pretensions. And he couldn’t pretend that it didn’t hurt.

_But I don’t have the right to be hurt, just like the way I don’t have any right to love him, because his heart already belongs to someone else… Because of my selfishness, he couldn’t be with the one he really loves…_

_ ` **- - Diary Entry 301 - -** ` _

_ `Jun and I met at this very expensive restaurant. (Jun’s such a show off, as always!) We talked about lots of things and even promised to see each other again next time. (Our friendship has no malice, okay!)` _

_ `But when I got home, I found Seungcheol drunk, and he’s accusing me of something I did not do—which is to cheat. And on top of that, he thinks I’m doing it with Jun. I… find it absurd, really.` _

_ `Oh, and let’s just skip the part when Seungcheollie whispered Hyelim’s name after we <s>made love</s> had sex. I don’t want to break down again and bawl my eyes out. I’m so tired of it. Because what’s new, I’ve always known she was his true love.` _

_ `No, diary. I am not pissed. I am not hurt, and I am not mad. All at the same time, I am not, okay?` _


	6. CHAPTER 5 [Feigning Innocence?]

_“The wedding is in two days and… and I couldn’t do anything to break it off. I’ve thought of this for a while, but maybe, we could just secretly get married ahead and—”_

_ “I’m sorry, Seungcheol. Just go ahead with your wedding because… I can’t marry you.”_

Seungcheol woke up with a throbbing pain in his head. It felt as if someone was hammering it with different types of rocks it was almost unbearable. His eyes remained close for a while, trying to recollect what had happened that caused his head to ache like that. Sure, he knew he it was from a hangover, which wasn’t really new to him by the way, but the throbbing was on an entirely new different level he just had to remember what made him drink _that_ much.

He remembered he had a stiff meeting with the foreign investors from early in the morning until afternoon, he received a message from one of his flings and he asked her for a lunch date, their subtle flirtings… Then something caught his attention—the familiar long brown locks together with his slim figure, his back was facing him, and also the _guy_ who was with him. His face turned grim as he excused himself from his date and carefully went close to the two men, hiding behind the huge ornamental plant the restaurant used as decoration, and his suspicion was confirmed when he took a close glimpse of their faces and even accidentally heard their malicious conversation.

_"...it’s you I really love, Jeonghan. Would you like to elope with me?”_

_"Sure..." _

His eyes fluttered open. _Sure?_ So his cheating wife was not contented with him that he had to flirt with his _best friend_, too?

Don’t get him wrong, but he was not in any way jealous. Jeonghan might just look innocent and fragile, but he knew there was something in him, something strange and something dangerous. The way he still pushed through with their wedding despite his desperate pleadings—Jeonghan was really something dangerous.

Then he remembered he excused himself with his date, telling her he was suddenly not feeling well. But honestly, he just wanted to calm himself down and have a drink by himself for he was wary he might start doing something scandalous at the restaurant, like giving Jun a punch he deserved and dragging Jeonghan away from him because Jeonghan, his cheating wife, just agreed to elope with his best friend when it’s clear that Seungcheol was still not done making his life miserable, right? The amount of pain he inflicted in his wife was still not enough to make up for all the sufferings he had caused him. He still had to do more, and Jeonghan should stay by him until the end. Jeonghan should not, in any case, escape from him.

So with that in mind, he drank himself up until he absent-mindedly finished two bottles of vodka and was about to open another one when a hand stopped him; it was Jeonghan’s. It wasn’t clear to him how their conversation went, but he remembered he was enticed by his delicate features and they ended up having sex, the reason why he was lying naked on his mini-bar’s couch with only a blanket covering his nakedness.

Speaking of which, where’s Jeonghan, by the way?

The couch could fit at least two people, but he woke up alone and his _wife_ was nowhere to be found. He looked at the time from the digital clock at a nearby table and saw it was only 6:42 in the morning. Too early to get up for someone who slept at almost dawn.

He fidgeted when he heard a beep, his cellphone to be exact. It was inside his jeans’ pocket which was lying on the floor a few centimeters from him. He groggily reached for it and saw there was a message from his mom.

** _7pm tonight at the Yoon’s main restaurant, do not forget._ **

He inwardly groaned. He’d almost forgotten about their family’s monthly gathering. Ever since the Choi and Yoon families got bounded together by their marriage, it had become a tradition to gather at the Yoon’s restaurant every third Sunday of every month, which meant that he and Jeonghan should act all lovey-dovey to cover up what really was happening between them. And God knows how much he loathed being like that to his wife, even though they were all just an act. Encircling his arms protectively over Jeonghan’s waist, wiping the sides of his mouth when he sees remnants of food on them, smiling at him, dancing to a sweet music… _Ugh_. He would have to endure all of it again, for at least three hours of boring talks and observing eyes on them.

His parents seemed to have really developed an affectionate liking towards his wife a lot, especially his mother who was extra sweet and cheerful towards Jeonghan who seemed to be enjoying the attention. His father, who was a very serious and uptight man who rarely smiles, was surprisingly wearing a genuine warm smile on his face whenever he talks with the beautiful male.

And Jeonghan’s parents, in his opinion, were nothing different. They treat him equally with love and respect but the only thing he didn’t like about them was their constant query of _“When will you and my son give us a grandchild?”_ in which he would just answer with a nervous smile every time.

Was Jeonghan a witch? How could he easily tame his parents, making them love him in such a short period of time?

He couldn’t help but to compare how different his parents treated Hyelim from Jeonghan. He wouldn’t forget the time when they first met her, they were incredibly cold and treated her as if she was some sort of an air—nonexistent. No matter how many times they’ve met, all they would give her was a cold shoulder and would oftentimes scoff at her whenever they think he’s not watching.

And with Jeonghan… He really did not have to put any effort for them to like him, to accept him in their family. All it took was his ‘yes’ in their arranged-marriage and _poof_, they were suddenly a perfect example of a good in-laws relationship.

He sat up from the couch and stretched his arms, collected his pieces of clothing scattered on the floor and wore them, and decided to look for his wife to remind him of the gathering just in case he forgot. He lazily made his way towards his wife’s room, turned on the knob and was surprised to find it unlocked.

He was baffled with what greeted him upon fully opening the door. Decorating Jeonghan’s room’s wall was a huge portrait of their wedding photo. On the portrait was a photograph of them in front of the church where their wedding was held. He remembered the photographer strictly instructed them to pose all lovey-dovey, and he who happened to just want everything to end right away so they could go home and rest, obliged as they were told. He wrapped his arms around his wife’s body and smiled for the camera, pretending to be really happy.

Back then, he had no idea how the picture was captured, for he had already forgotten that they even took it. He didn’t know that Jeonghan took it and even displayed in his room. Odd enough, but it was the first time that Seungcheol had been into his wife’s room.

Averting his eyes from the portrait, his gaze went onto the huge bed at the middle of the room, where he could clearly see the sleeping built of his target covered with a blanket. Slowly, he walked towards the other male but was frozen in his place when he saw a glimpse of his sleeping face.

Jeonghan looked so serene and peaceful in his sleep. The way his long brown locks draped perfectly around his beautiful face made Seungcheol question himself “_How could I notice this just now?”_. He couldn’t help but to tuck a few strands of stray hair away from Jeonghan’s beautiful face. He noticed that his eyes were adorned with long, thick lashes. His lips, slightly pouting and swollen, were too unreal to be naturally as red as a tomato.

His wife possessed such an innocent face that could rival an angel.

He remembered the first time they met. With the other’s bright aura and outstanding looks, who wouldn’t take notice of such a beautiful creature? He was too pretty to be a male. When their gazes caught each other, he felt something awkward, something strange; something that he couldn’t put a name into. And it was Jeonghan who first averted his eyes from their contact, and Seungcheol remembered stifling a smile upon seeing his cheeks flush red. But he was sure it wasn’t attraction or anything of the like that he felt which drawn him to the pretty male, because he knew he was so much in love with Hyelim at that time. Whatever it was that he felt, he concluded it was just because of amusement of meeting a male whose beauty could surpass that of a woman.

Seungcheol’s hands formed a fist. Everything about his wife screamed innocence and purity. His face, his character, the way he talks, his actions—He shook his head. _No_. He was so far from being innocent.

An innocent person wouldn’t trap someone unwilling into marriage, would he? Jeonghan’s innocent charm was very deceptive, he thought.

His examining eyes went further, stopping at the other’s milky white neck. Was that… was that a hickey? His fists made a loose. The fresh reddish mark was very much visible in his exposed flesh. Was he that really aggressive last night that he even left a mark on him? Unknowingly, he inched closer to the sleeping cherub, lightly touching the red mark and felt a bolt of electricity surge through him, starting from the finger he used to touch the other up to his whole entire being. He immediately retreated his hand, perplexed at the kind of reaction he got.

That was when Jeonghan suddenly shifted position. The blanket covering his body slid down, exposing his bare chest. It wasn’t muscled or toned, or heavily busted like his fair share of women had, but the exposed porcelain flesh made Seungcheol feel desire, frustration, and anger—all at the same time. The desire to take him again at that time at that place was almost painful. The urge to kiss his inviting lips was overpowering, making Seungcheol question his sanity.

Was he still drunk? He shouldn’t be feeling that way. He taught himself to only feel anger towards Jeonghan. But now, how could he be lusting after him? The strong urge wasn’t in the list of things he planned to feel towards the other male.

He groaned inwardly.

He held the hem of the blanket to cover his wife’s exposed chest, and that’s when Jeonghan’s eyes fluttered open. Seungcheol immediately let go of the soft fabric and retreated a few steps back. He saw surprise and confusion in his swollen eyes. Did he cry in his sleep?

“S-Seungcheol…”

Jeonghan’s throaty voice shot him back to reality. Why did he care if he cried all night? He could cry a river all day if he wanted to, and Seungcheol couldn’t care less. This pretty male did not deserve any sympathy from him. He swore he wouldn’t be soft towards him—not now, not ever.

In an attempt to witness fear on the other’s eyes, he showed the coldest expression he could muster and in a harsh manner, he asked, “Do you know what time is it now?”

Seungcheol was expecting Jeonghan to get scared and apologize immediately, however, he was bewildered when all the other did was to give him a confused look as if he had no idea what to say or do. Jeonghan’s eyes were always filled with confusion and innocence._ Every time._ And that irked him to feel frustrated even more. Because when Seungcheol married him, he swore to make his life a living hell. But with Jeonghan’s unexpected reaction and his eyes which lacked fear whenever he was showing an angry façade, Seungcheol just couldn’t help but feel even madder, and he wasn’t sure if he’s mad at Jeonghan, or more to himself.

“What? Do you want me to cook breakfast for us?” he asked to cover up the vague emotions suddenly rising up in his heart. He shouldn’t be feeling confused, he wasn’t supposed to.

“I… uh—”

“Do not forget about the monthly dinner at 7pm.” Was all he said before he scoffed and turned his back, leaving Jeonghan alone who was tightly clutching onto the blanket, dazed and was staring off in space.

***

The drive to the restaurant was awkward and silent. Jeonghan was quietly sitting beside Seungcheol who was driving with a serious look on his face. He tried singing in his head just so he could distract himself from staring at his husband who looked so dashing on his black V-neck shirt.

It took them fifteen minutes before they reached their destination. The restaurant was closed for the public and was reserved for their monthly dinner. It made Jeonghan proud that their restaurant was one of the most popular on the whole South Korea. Not only it was of the best class, but it also served foods which were of their family recipe—foods which could only be found in them.

They made their way inside and found their parents already inside, complete and happily chatting with each other. They respectfully gave their greetings and sat down side by side.

Jeonghan sighed. _So, Seungcheol and I will pretend again, huh…_

“So, any news for us, honey?” Jeonghan’s mother asked, a playful and expecting smile was plastered on her face. Jeonghan fought the urge to pout. He knew where this was going, and Seungcheol would surely not like it. He knew, because he had observed him every time.

“Mom, we’re still too young…”

Mrs. Choi grimaced. “What young? I had Seungcheol when I was barely twenty-one, mind you,” she said as she pinched Seungcheol’s cheek which earned a frown from the male. Jeonghan stifled a laugh at the sight, and when he noticed Seungcheol’s warning eyes on him, he sat up straight and bit his lip, trying to look serious but still failed. “And you’re already twenty-five, Jeonghan-ah. Not too young for me.”

The other three parents agreed in unison, earning nervous laughter from Jeonghan and a forced smile from Seungcheol.

_You should ask Seungcheol about it…_

“See, Seungcheol-ah? Seems like Jeonghan was just waiting for you.”

Jeonghan’s eyes widened. He didn’t know he unconsciously blurted out his thoughts. He looked at his husband and saw ire in his eyes. He bit his lip. _Me and my big mouth!_

He felt a stabbing pain on his foot, and he knew it was Seungcheol’s warning to clean up the mess he made, or he’d regret it back home. He quickly thought of an excuse.

“W-what I mean is, Seungcheol and I are both not ready to be parents yet. Maybe a few years from now, who knows? Or maybe yet, isn’t it a lot better if we’ll just wake up one day, surprised that we already have it?” He bit his lip. What kind of lame explanation was that?

“Well, let’s not pressure the kids, shall we?” Mr. Yoon said and gave him an understanding smile. _Thanks, appa._

***

_\- - - **Diary Entry 302** \- - -_

_Will Seungcheol like a baby… with _me?_ Will I also be a good mother? I want to have a baby already, but I know Seungcheol detests the idea…_


	7. CHAPTER 6 [Wait! Did You Just Say…?]

“Jeonghan-ssi, are you sure you’re okay?”

Jeonghan flinched and stopped midway from scooping his favorite chocolate mint ice cream. He turned to Nanny Park who had a huge crease on her forehead. Puzzled, he asked, “Of course, nanny. Why?”

“Well, it’s already your second gallon of ice cream. Are you sure you’re not depressed or something?” There was so much worry in her voice that made Jeonghan slightly chuckle.

“Is it already my second?” he asked in a light voice and laughed, amused at his own actions. “I just missed eating sweets, I guess. There’s nothing to worry about, you know how I love chocolate mint ice cream.” _It’s my comfort food, _he wanted to add.

“I know it _is_ your favorite, but Jeonghan, you just finished eating ddeokbukki and pizza a while ago.” The nanny informed, her eyes slightly bulging in absolute disbelief. Jeonghan chewed on his bottom lip and sheepishly smiled, suddenly feeling bashful about being reminded of how much food he had eaten already.

“And there’s a box of take-out chicken and barbeque on the way.” The nanny continued, obviously amused and worried at the same time. She probably didn’t know whether to find it amusing that he was capable of eating a huge sum of food in just a short period of time and just let it off, or be worried because he might make himself sick.

Jeonghan heavily blushed. He wasn’t really that much of a big-eater, honest. But something, or better yet _someone_, just triggered his brain (and unfortunately, his stomach) to crave on different variety of foods and consume a huge amount just to satisfy himself.

_Stupid, idiot Seungcheol! ‘Making me feel like a pig…_ he thought to himself with a slight pout on his lips.

Truth be told, he was sulking. Well, not really sulking, but close to it. Upset, perhaps? And whenever he felt that way, food would save him from feeling sour all throughout the week. He didn’t want the people around him to be affected by his foul mood, so he learned that to cope up with the sour feeling, he needed to find a diversion, which happened to be in the form of foods. Only, _lots_ of them.

Why was he sulking, you ask?

Well, it was the third day that Seungcheol had gone overseas, _without telling him._ He woke up three days ago, prepared breakfast and all that Seungcheol would probably need, only to find out that his husband had already left the night before when he was already sound asleep, without even telling him beforehand.

Even though Seungcheol was not treating their marriage as real marriage, and that he hated him to the core, he should at least inform him of his whereabouts, shouldn’t he? Whether he was going to a province or a city nearby, he had the right to know. He was still his wife, for Heaven’s sake! What was so hard with saying ‘_Hey, I’ll be gone for a few days’_ or _‘Jeonghan, I’ll be overseas for a business meeting’_? It would probably only take about three to four seconds, or even less, but Seungcheol did not even bother to say anything. If Nanny Park had not seen him inside his husband’s abandoned room, he wouldn’t know he already left.

And that... that made him upset even more because how could Seungcheol tell Nanny Park and not him—his lawfully wedded wife? And to add a spark in his already igniting rage, just a few minutes after he discovered his husband’s disappearance, his mother called, asking him whether he would do well without his husband around or would he want to spend the days at their house instead.

Infuriating, wasn’t it? He told his mother-in-law, but not the wife.

So, tell him, was he being illogical for feeling that way or not?

“Jeonghan?”

Jeonghan woke up from his thoughts and looked at the old woman, smiling meekly. “I… I just felt like eating a lot today, nanny. Like, treat myself because I’ve been a good…” Jeonghan tried to think of a good fitting word, but his mind was not cooperating and was only giving him a huge blank. “…citizen of the country?”

Jeonghan was baffled when the nanny turned to her back and saw her shoulders violently shaking. Confused, he tapped the woman’s shoulder and asked, “Uhm, what’s wrong, Nanny Park? Did I… did I say something wrong?” _Did I make her cry?_

The woman turned around and Jeonghan confirmed that she wasn’t crying, but instead was having a fit of laughter which got him more confused.

Wiping the brims of her crinkled eyes, the nanny said, “I’m sorry, Jeonghan-ssi. I just realized something,” and she gave him a knowing smile, like she discovered something he didn’t know and she _wouldn’t_ let him know.

Just then, the doorbell rang. “Oh, I’ll get it. Continue your food.” The nanny walked away, which looked more of happily skipping to him than walking. Jeonghan found it weird. What was the nanny talking about? And he swore he heard something along the lines of _“First trimester cravings”_ from the old woman while walking away. What did that mean?

***

Jeonghan was lazily slouching on the couch and was rubbing his tummy because he felt so full when the doorbell rang. Expecting it to be his husband, he eagerly rose up from his seat and happily skidded to open the door. But what greeted his sight was not the grayish hair or the usual stoic handsome face of his husband, but a Chinese diva’s burgundy locks and cat-like grin.

Jeonghan suppressed the urge to scowl in disappointment because hey, it’s still his best friend, sans his dramatic entrance.

“Goodness, angel! You look kind of bloated today. Your cheeks! It’s so fluffy you could be Pikachu’s doppelganger!” Jun exaggeratedly exclaimed, fawning over his now swollen cheeks which resulted from his never ending munching spree just a while ago.

Jeonghan fought the urge to kick his friend. Should he really state the obvious?

“Jun, you’re overreacting,” Jeonghan said and rolled his eyes while consciously touching his cheeks. He discreetly tugged the hem of his dress shirt to loosen it up a bit, making sure the soft fabric was not sticking to his tummy. He was just making sure because Jun’s eagle eyes might take notice of his slightly enlarged belly, and he did not want to be compared with yet another pokemon again (or whatever creature Jun would think he looked like). When he was sure his tummy was safe from judging eyes, he quirked his eyebrows and playfully asked, “Why are you here again? Did I invite you or something?”

“_Oh_, I invited myself,” Jun huffed and shoved him away from the door frame and let himself in, comfortably propping himself at the couch Jeonghan was just sitting before he came. Jeonghan sat down across his friend and looked at him dubiously, making the _intruder_ fake a frown.

“What? Am I not allowed to visit my best_-est_ friend ever? It’s been a **_month_** since we last saw each other! I’m so hurt.” The Chinese then pouted and touched the sides of his eyes, seemingly wiping the invisible tears only he could see. In Jeonghan’s eyes, his friend suddenly looked like a duck, a pouting one if that’s even possible.

This time around, Jeonghan managed to keep a straight cold face for only a few seconds before he let loose with a loud boisterous laughter. Jun’s acting skills never fail to make him go crazy!

“Ah, your face is so funny,” Jeonghan mused in between laughing and pointing at his friend’s face. He brushed away a few strands of hair that was constantly sticking on his face, making a mental note to go to his favorite salon and have his hair cut shorter soon.

Just then, he heard an exaggerated gasp, taking his attention away from his hair and back to his friend.

“My face looks funny?” Jun asked incredulously and moved his hands on his hips. Feeling insulted, he lifted his chin up and with a proud expression he said, “You know, every time I look at the mirror, I couldn’t help but to develop a crush on myself. Why? Because the mirror reflects my handsome face. Now, how dare you say I look funny?”

Jeonghan laughed again.

_Jun, his overly-love-for-himself speech, and his diva attitude,_ he thought while virtually rolling his eyes._ A narcissistic prince indeed._

“Do you know who you should date aside from Minghao?” he asked rhetorically instead of refuting back once he’d calmed himself from laughing.

Jun’s eyes gleamed in high expectation, hands clasped together. “Who?”

Instead of answering right away, he scanned his friend from top to bottom, then bottom to top. Nodding to himself, he replied, “A psychiatrist.” Jeonghan answered flatly. “You two would be a compatible couple. No doubt about it.”

Jeonghan was not expecting it when a pillow suddenly hit his face. He groaned as he rubbed his forehead which was the target of Jun’s throwing ability. “Yah!” he growled as he threw the pillow back to Jun. But the menace seemed to have foreseen what he’d do so he just nonchalantly avoided the flying object and threw yet another pillow at him.

Jeonghan must admit, Jun had a good aim. He was again attacked by the object only this time, he was smashed square on the face which sent him tumbling down the couch.

“Yah, Wen Junhui! I could sue you with physical abuse, you know,” he said while glaring at the grinning visitor, hugging the pillow tight on his chest to prevent himself from throwing it again. At that moment, he learned a new lesson the hard way, which was to never engage with a pillow fight with his best friend. Ever.

Jun stood up and sat beside him. “You can do that to me?” he asked, each syllable sounded like they were coming from a three year old kid: slow, innocent, and pure—the exact opposite of his real self if you may ask.

Jeonghan inwardly groaned and slapped his forehead in frustration. With Jun’s infamous puppy eyes and innocent look, how could he expect him to make his threat true? Jeonghan indeed was a weakling for his best friend.

“Whatever. Why are you really here?”

Jun crossed his legs and rested both his arms at the couch. “Hah, I’m here to confirm Nanny Park’s suspicion,” he replied with a mysterious glint in his eyes. “She phone-called me a while ago.”

Jeonghan had a bad feeling about it. The way his friend maliciously smiled ear-to-ear, he knew something bizarre would pop out from his mouth.

“Suspicion? And what is tha—” Jeonghan froze, his stomach suddenly churned and beads of sweat started forming on his smooth forehead. He bit his lip to distract himself from the sudden discomfort, but to no avail. He could clearly feel how upset his stomach was.

_The effect of my munching spree!_

“Jeonghan?” Jun asked, his brows knit together in mix of confusion and concern.

The pretty male forced a smile, but he was certain it looked more of a cringe than an assuring smile. “I-I’m okay…” he lied.

** _Ding dong._ **

Both of them flinched at the sound and turned to the direction of the door. In hopes that it would finally be his husband, Jeonghan motioned his friend to just remain sitting down when he saw him about to stand to probably open the door for him.

“I’ll get it, Jun. Just stay there,” he said and hurriedly sprinted towards the door, setting aside the growing pain in his stomach. The excitement in seeing his husband overpowered the discomfort that he managed to mask on a smile.

When he fully opened the door, Seungcheol’s tired eyes greeted his vision. He noticed the dark bags under his dark brown orbs, but those did not make him any less perfect in Jeonghan’s opinion.

“Will you move?” Seungcheol asked with irate in his voice.

“O-Oh, I’m sor—” Jeonghan wasn’t able to finish his words when he suddenly felt nauseated. Gagging, he covered his mouth with his hands and immediately headed straight towards the kitchen without any explanation, unable to witness Jun’s seemingly triumphant smile and the confused look Seungcheol had while his eyes trailed towards his disappearing figure.

He hovered towards the kitchen sink and started releasing the contents of his stomach. When he finally felt better, he washed his face and dried it with layers of tissue. The aftertaste in his mouth brought him disgust so he gargled once more and took a few pieces of grapes from the kitchen counter and popped them in his mouth while heading towards the living room where he left the two males.

_I hope they’re not being violent with each other..._

Feeling slightly better and refreshed, he prepared a smile on his face. When he finally reached the living room, he was greeted by a scene he did not think he’d witness.

Jun was still in his place, comfortably sitting and a playful smirk was tugged on his lips while eyeing Seungcheol whose eyes were fixed on Jeonghan, seemingly dumbfounded; surprise and confusion were evident in his expression.

Even though he felt uncomfortable with being stared at, he walked closer to his husband until they were only a few centimeters apart, with Seungcheol still staring at him intently. Their eyes met, and there was something in the way he looked at him that made his breathing speed up. His husband had an unreadable look in his eyes, like he was searching for something on his face, and Jeonghan wasn’t sure if he wanted Seungcheol to find it. He just wanted to cherish that very moment, where Seungcheol was looking at him in the eyes without any trace of hatred and sadness, for his eyes to linger at him a little bit more and forget their issues and just stare at each other.

But of course, he knew that was impossible.

“What’s the matter, Seung—”

“Is it true?”

Jeonghan looked at him, puzzled. “Is it true _what_?”

“That you’re… pregnant?” Seungcheol reluctantly asked, his voice a little softer than his usual rough one.

There was a moment of awkward silence (for Jeonghan, it was really awkward) from the both of them. Jeonghan swore he could almost hear the way his heart pumped blood because of the silence that had enveloped the whole place. As realization of the seriousness of the matter finally dawned on him, his eyes bulged as if they were about to get out of its sockets. Where did he get the idea from?

“J-Jun here told me you are.” Seungcheol answered as if he had read his mind.

Jeonghan quickly averted his gaze to his friend, his eyes full of questions. He never told him he’s pregnant, how could he carelessly say such a thing?

“Well, Nanny Park told me about this interesting suspicion of hers. She said you’ve been eating a lot, like _really really really _a lot, and she suspects you are having cravings like how pregnant people do. And just now, you just had your morning sickness, didn’t you? Only, it is evening right now. But according to what I read, morning sickness can also occur in the afternoon and night.”

_B-But I just over-eat and got my stomach upset! _he wanted to refute but found himself unable to speak. The idea of him being pregnant sent excitement in his heart, though he already knew it was impossible because he had valid excuses to every suspicion they had that led them to think he had conceived. But still…

“I… I’m sorry, Jeonghan. I think I left something at my office. Let’s talk about this later,” Seungcheol said as he walked away with hurry, as if he was being chased by a creature they couldn’t see. Jun raised a brow while his eyes trailed on the man’s disappearing figure.

“Jun…” he called his attention.

“Congratulations, angel! Here, I brought a few packs of pregnancy test kits!” the Chinese exclaimed, unable to hide his excitement at the thought of his friend being pregnant. When he didn’t take the packs, Jun forcefully shoved them in his hands and softly patted his shoulder. “It’s okay, Jeonghan. I know you’re scared because it’s your first time. But I swear, I’ll be a very supportive friend!”

Good Lord. He’s doomed.

***

_ ` **- - - Diary Entry 331 - - -** ` _

_ `Diary, you wouldn’t believe what happened today! I couldn’t believe it either!` _

_ `Let’s start off with my munching spree — which was my way to relieve myself from being upset. Ah, I’m upset because Seungcheol went overseas for a few days without telling me ㅠㅠㅠ So I ate and ate and ate, not knowing Nanny Park already made a conclusion and phone-called Jun about it (really Nanny, why Jun out of all the people? ㅠㅠ). Then Jun came to my surprise, I wasn’t expecting a visit at all! Though I could already feel the consequences of my rapid eating, we talked and exchanged a few banters, which I really love doing with him because he’s really fun to tease ㅋㅋㅋ Then Seungcheol came back! But my upset stomach caused me to feel nauseated and I had to run to the sink to do my business. Ah, I didn’t know Jun would be voicing out his conclusion to Cheollie, which is I am pregnant — but that’s not true at all! REALLY!` _

_ `To my dismay, I couldn’t find the words to deny the ridiculous allegation, so Cheollie left thinking it’s true. And to my horror, Jun handed me packets of pregnancy test kits. That idiot! I tried to explain to him it isn’t true, and to prove it, I took the test and showed him the results.` _

_ `I would have laughed at his reaction when he saw the single line, which proves I am not pregnant, but I did not because I suddenly remembered I need to clear things up with Seungcheol. And I don’t know how it happened, but I found myself confessing to Jun about the real state of my marriage, that it isn’t a happy one to start with. Of course, I didn’t tell him that Seungcheol is kind of jealous with him, I don’t want him to feel bad. Besides, I am not sure if he’s jealous at all.` _

_ `Jun, of course, was enraged and wanted to torture my husband until he dies. But I told him I’m fine with the way things are right now (of course that’s a lie). I laughed at his silly suggestions, like seduce my husband, or give him a love potion. He also suggested to just go along with the drama that I am indeed pregnant, because he thought Seungcheol might change the way he treats me if he knew I have his child. I laughed at the idea — wouldn’t that just make things worse?` _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A kind of feel-good chapter. Honestly, writing angst is draining my brain cells lol. I hope you enjoyed Jun and Jeonghan's banter! I had fun writing them \\(^0^)/ I'm now introducing the other side of Jeonghan only Jun diva can trigger :D


	8. CHAPTER 7 [Mouth versus Mind: The Ultimate Battle]

The travel took more than fourteen hours unexpectedly; the delay in the flight and his sleepless nights studying their company’s presentation for an important bidding made him earn dark circles under his eyes. Funny, but _‘a bag under a bag’_ was the perfect description for his tired eyes. The drive back home also made him feel light-headed—the traffic jam was no joke! He was thankful that his mother insisted he should be picked up by their driver, or else he would’ve collided with the other cars due to fatigue and lack of sleep.

The overseas business trip was not planned at all. He was only informed about it an hour before he hurriedly went to the airport and booked for the nearest flight available.

It should be the Vice-President who should be going instead of him, however, due to health reasons, Mr. Koo wasn’t able to go. And him, being the acting Chairman of their family’s corporation who had to review the presentations for every biddings even though he wasn’t the one to present, was appointed by his father to replace said man as he already knew how the presentation would go. So he had no choice but to leave even though the scheduled flight was at midnight. It was a good thing Nanny Park went down the kitchen to get some drink that he was able to tell her about the unplanned trip.

The bidding of course went perfectly as exactly planned. He managed to get the approval of the largest company in Los Angeles, with having more than ten competitors he had to win over. Then when he reached home, it was no surprise to him that his wife was the one to open the door for him. But as soon as he opened the door, Jeonghan retched and hurriedly ran away, leaving him astonished, but he still continued his way inside the house. His bad mood rose up when he saw Jun sitting comfortably on their couch, a smug smile was tugged on his lips. What was he doing in their house?

“Oh, so the husband is finally here,” the Chinese sardonically greeted, his legs crossed together in a manner that was almost inappropriate for someone who didn’t even own the house.

Seungcheol chose to ignore the guest’s annoying smirk, but instead he snappishly asked, “What’s wrong with Jeonghan?”

Jun waved his hands dismissively as if what he just asked was too hilarious to even answer. “Oh, just a morning sickness at night. You know, _preggy_ problems?”

His brows furrowed, unable to comprehend what the guest replied. “What in the world are you saying?”

Jun’s lips quirked an annoying grin. “Jeonghan… pregnant... baby?” He answered as if he was talking to a kindergarten pupil, but Seungcheol purposely ignored his sarcasm as the news he just broke out caught him off-guard.

Seungcheol contemplated Jun’s every words and a flashback of retching Jeonghan came to mind.

He said that his wife was pregnant.

Come to think of it, it had been almost a month since they last had sex, and he wasn’t able to use protection since it was unplanned and he was drunk. It’s not impossible for him to be carrying their child right now.

He tensed up.

_Our… child?_

Just then, Jeonghan’s lanky figure appeared. His eyes first landed on his still flat tummy before they focused on his confused face. He didn’t know what got to him, but he found himself staring at the pretty male as if looking at him would give him a definite answer on how he should feel about the matter. And when he couldn’t take the silence anymore, he finally asked the credibility of the news his friend just broke out.

Jeonghan seemed taken aback and did not confirm anything, but he also did not deny the matter. They say silence means yes, and that also probably applies to his wife. He didn’t know how to handle the sudden surge of emotions in his system, so he had to excuse himself and say the lamest excuse he could think of: _“I… I’m sorry, Jeonghan. I think I left something at my office. Let’s talk about this later.”_

When Seungcheol said he left something at his office, what he really meant was that he needed some time off to think, and the only peaceful place he could think of was his parents’ house. The flight from Los Angeles to South Korea was already tiring enough, but what he discovered just moments ago seemed to drain his energy even more than the long hours of travel.

He did not know how to react, the news brought him a mixture of different emotions he wasn’t sure what stood out the most. Was he happy? Was he confused? Was he mad? Disappointed? Regretful?

None of them seemed too clear, but one thing’s for sure: the news brought excitement in his heart, though he just couldn’t fathom how much.

He was going to have a child with his unwanted wife, and he was surprised to find that the idea did not sound bad to him at all like he used to think it would be.

He found his way on their mansion’s poolside. Oftentimes, swimming would be his way to relieve his stress, but he didn’t feel like doing it that time so he contented himself with dipping his feet at the pool and just savor the damp coldness of the water. Just then, he heard footsteps approaching him and he already had an idea who the owner was even without looking.

“The maids told me you’re here,” Seungcheol’s mother sat down beside him, her feet also dipping in the clear water. “Did you and your wife have a fight?”

Seungcheol shook his head slowly. He was contemplating whether to break out the news to her or just let Jeonghan do it by himself. But what excuse would he tell her why he came there unannounced, without his wife? Besides, it would be better if there’s someone who would listen to his dilemma.

“He’s pregnant,” he revealed, his voice almost incoherent but his mother clearly understood for her eyes suddenly sparkled like the small waves of water in the pool. Her hands clasped together in excitement.

“Well, aren’t you happy? You seem sullen, though.”

“I’m confused, I—”

“Do you know that a person’s life is already at risk once they get pregnant?” Seungcheol shot her a curious questioning look. Mrs. Choi chuckled and ruffled his hair like she used to do when he was a kid. But instead of getting pissed with the action now that he’s an adult, he chose to smile at her, urging her to continue what she was saying. “When I got pregnant with you and your brother, not once our family doctor had warned me about the possibility of me losing my life. Why? I had a weak heart, I might die giving birth.” She let out a laugh as if she suddenly remembered something funny. “Your father was so worried he even went as far as suggesting I should just abort you and your brother. But I threatened him I’ll divorce him if he insists, so he just became a supportive husband to me and not once had he ever left my side.”

Seungcheol was surprised. It was the first time he had heard of that story.

“Then I gave birth to you, I was comatose for two weeks. It was a miracle I survived, your dad was crying when I woke up. He was blaming himself, but I laughed and told him I wanted another child. He got mad, but guess what? I gave birth to your brother a year after.”

A fit of laughter ensued from the both of them as he tried to imagine the scenario where his father was surprisingly and unexpectedly a wimp for his mom, a character he never once thought he would be since the aura he emits was very authoritative, magisterial, and could never be opposed.

Their laughter slowly faded until the only sound heard was from their own breathing.

“But you have to know that there are also cases that even though the pregnant person is healthy, he or she is still not safe. Stress during pregnancy and complications after giving birth exist. So I want you to be there for your wife and take care of him well,” she took one of his hands and held it tight, her eyes were telling him that she’s putting all her trust on him, making his chest feel heavy.

“The fact that Jeonghan is willing to put his life at stake just to bear your child is a proof of how much he loves you that he wanted a part of you in him. You should appreciate your wife more, do you agree?” she let go of his hands and stared off at the sparkling waters of the pool, a small smile was decorating her face. There was something in the way his mother spoke her words that got him thinking she was not clueless at all with how badly he treated his wife.

“Jeonghan is such a sweetheart, son. He could easily make everyone love him with just a smile. He’s also full of bright colors, his ultimate charm. People around him loves him so much because he loves them, too.”

Seungcheol dozed off into space, with his mind lurked into the deepest of his thoughts.

His marriage was a real chaos—it was filled with his anger and thirst for revenge that sometimes, he now admitted, his reasoning had become illogical. He was consumed with so much anger he had not realized it was not solely Jeonghan’s fault. It was also partly his, for lacking the guts to disobey his parents and relied on his wife to end the deal.

Seungcheol’s heart clenched. Guilt and regret suddenly enveloped his heart. Flashbacks of how badly he treated his wife played on his mind like a movie on reel, sequenced and unaltered. Realizations also started making their way, making it a little difficult for him to breathe.

That very moment, a decision was made and although he was hesitant about it, he knew it was for the best.

For the sake of his yet to be born child.

***

Jeonghan was pacing in his room, anxious and wary of the situation he was currently in. The consequences that might occur once he spilled out the truth brought him more worries. He just hoped that Nanny Park or even Seungcheol himself had not told anybody especially their parents about the misunderstanding yet. It would just make him feel guiltier when he sees the disappointed look on their parents’ faces who had been constantly excited about the time he gets pregnant.

“Oh God, what should I do? Seungcheol thinks I am pregnant, and I did not have the chance to deny although I clearly know I am not!” he brushed his hair with his fingers in frustration, causing pain in his scalp but he didn’t mind. The frustration was growing bigger with every minute that passed by.

When he felt the effect of pacing nonstop on his feet, he sat down at the edge of his bed and buried his face with his trembling hands.

“What if he hated me even more if I kept this lie going on?”

There was a burning sensation at the pit of his stomach upon thinking of the possible scenarios that might occur. He had already done enough damage to Seungcheol: first was to take him away from his ex-girlfriend, and second was through marrying him. He had not told him his reasons yet, and if he learned he was tricked again by him, it would officially ruin his chances of making Seungcheol accept him in his life.

He groaned and pushed his back flat on the bed with a loud thud, the softness of the mattress and its fabric helped him calm a little. He took in deep breaths and closed his eyes shut, thinking of ways on how to resolve the situation he was currently in, and an idea finally struck him. His eyes suddenly fluttered open.

“I knew it! I’ll tell him the truth right now and—” The door swung open, revealing an awkward Seungcheol who was holding bags of plastic.

Jeonghan froze, eyes wide in surprise, not having any idea on what to say. He wasn’t really expecting the sudden appearance of the person he wanted to have a talk with.

“Uhm… A-Am I… disturbing you?” Seungcheol asked hesitantly. His eyes were looking everywhere but him. He looked unsure and uncomfortable, he noticed.

Slowly, Jeonghan rose up from the bed and tried to catch the other’s eyes. “Huh? No, I was just… Uh…”

Seungcheol quietly closed the door and walked towards him with unsure steps before he awkwardly stopped in front of the pretty male. There was a slight blush on his cheeks and Jeonghan’s brows furrowed, confused why his husband was acting weirder than the usual. He wasn’t the type to stutter, especially in front of him, and his face also showed reluctance in what he was doing. He was blushing, too. Was he sick? 

“Here. I bought vitamins, fruits, milk, and other stuff that you’ll probably need—I mean, stuff good for our baby and… _y-you,_” the pink tint on his cheeks grew a shade darker as he lay down the contents of the bags on his bed, seemingly oblivious of the growing anxiety that Jeonghan was feeling.

Jeonghan’s heart beat started racing, the sound of his beating heart was almost making him deaf. The words _‘for our baby and you’_ sounded too good in his ears he wanted to hole up in his blanket and cry. The way Seungcheol muttered his words with utmost concern raised a hope within him. Maybe, just maybe, Seungcheol was trying to soften his heart for him?

“I also want you to stop doing the house chores and just take care of yourself. I already asked mom to give me two of her maids, so…” Seungcheol scratched his nape, looking lost and seemingly unable to find the right words to add.

“Why are you doing this, Seungcheol? I-I thought you don’t like the idea of me being pregnant with your… c-child…” he bit his lower lip a little too hard when he realized the impact of what he just asked. It was as if he just confirmed he was indeed pregnant.

_You suddenly ran away when you heard that I am pregnant, though. I just want to know why… and later I’ll tell you the truth._

There was an awkward silence before Seungcheol’s eyes finally met his—his brown orbs were seemingly trying to tell him he didn’t know the answer either. He heaved a deep sigh before he answered, “You’re having my child, it’s just right that I take care of you from now on. As your… _husband_.”

Jeonghan fought the urge to squeak a cry. They were the words he had long wanted to hear—Seungcheol finally recognizing him as his wife. But even though what he said was tempting and brought warmth in his heart, Jeonghan knew it was not right to make him think that way.

He did not have his child.

He grabbed a pillow and hugged it tightly against his chest, as if doing it would give him the courage to do what he had to do.

“I-I need to tell you something…”

“Sure, spill it.”

A few seconds already passed but Jeonghan’s mind couldn’t formulate the right words to say. Looking at his husband’s soft expression and the sudden change in his treatment were making him doubt if he should tell the truth or not.

_Don’t be such a coward, Jeonghan! You have to tell the truth or you’ll lose everything once you get busted!_

“Jeonghan?”

“C-Chocolate ice cream!” he randomly blurted.

Seungcheol looked confused. “What?”

“I-I want chocolate ice cream and watermelon. I’m… craving.”

_Shit._ _Shit. Shit._

Seungcheol stared at him, eyes filled with amusement. “That’s it?”

Jeonghan reluctantly nodded. “Yeah…”

_What is this? I was ready to tell the truth but why did my mouth tell things differently from what I think? How do I resolve this? You’re so damned, Jeonghan!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LET’S ALL HUG MAMA CHOI! Chapter 6 and 7 both happened at the same day/night. But Jeonghan was not able to write a diary entry for Ch7 because he was busy thinking of ways on how he would kill author in her sleep. (okay I was just kidding lololol I just think it's unnecessary to write an entry for this chap)
> 
> Anyhow... I already expect violent reactions so I gotta hide myself from you guys (because it's not fun and plain boring if JH just admitted the truth easily) And there's Seungcheollie who seemed to have a 180 degree spin on his treatment towards our angel!
> 
> Isn’t that amaaaaaaaaazing?!


	9. CHAPTER 8 [Disaster, Burnt, Reconciled – Begin!]

Jeonghan’s nose scrunched up upon smelling something burnt. The sleepiness still left in him all flew away the moment he realized something indeed was burning. With hurried steps, he sprinted towards the source of it and saw Seungcheol standing in front of the kitchen’s stove, his face filled with obvious frustration as he stared at the burnt eggs and bacon with his brows forming a single line that Jeonghan wasn’t sure if they were really eggs and bacon to begin with, if not for the cracked shells and empty packets with a bacon label scattered messily at the table.

They looked more like bits of charcoal than they originally were, and that made his mouth form a cringe.

The sight of Seungcheol cooking in the kitchen was very unusual, but Jeonghan found himself laughing so hard that Seungcheol’s face became deprived of color as he finally noticed him guffawing at his failed attempt to cook breakfast.

“J-Jeonghan? Stop laughing! You’re hurting my ego,” Seungcheol tried to speak arrogantly but failed when he noticed the sheepish smile his husband was trying to stifle. Seungcheol averted his gaze towards the burnt foods then back at him. With a retreating sigh, he mumbled, “I specifically made this for you. I guess the trash bin will eat this instead.”

Jeonghan’s heart went thumping crazily. Seungcheol muttered his last words with so much tenderness it brought warmth and peace in his heart, and it’s really something new for him.

He liked it. He liked how it sounded so good and true in his ears. The disappointment in his voice knowing what he cooked for him would go into waste…

_‘I guess the trash bin will eat this instead.’_

He felt a violent protest in his heart.

“No, I want to eat it!” he insisted, determination was written all over his face.

Seungcheol looked at him as if he’s some sort of a mythical creature who suddenly appeared before his eyes. Jeonghan virtually rolled his eyes and strode closer, examining the foods which screamed ‘danger’ and ‘upset stomach point two’, but to his eyes, they looked perfect—because Seungcheol said that he cooked it specifically for him, and yeah, he cooked it.

“I want to taste them,” he said with a slight pout, hoping his charm would work on the other man.

Seungcheol shook his head and pushed his hands gently away from the burnt foods when he tried to pick up a piece of charcoaled bacon. “No, I’ll just cook again. This time, I swear I already got the hang of it. I already learned that I need to lower the fire, thanks to Google.” Seungcheol bashfully said, turning away with his cheeks slightly blushing in embarrassment.

Jeonghan stood frozen.

_Is this just a dream? A product of my wild imagination?_

“A-Are you sure? I could help, you know,” he offered with sincerity.

Probably feeling insulted with his persistence, Seungcheol scoffed and dismissively waved his hands. “Come on, cooking isn’t that hard. Just do me a favor by sitting down at the counter and wait for me to finish.” He gestured his hands towards the kitchen counter but Jeonghan remained still.

_This is just a dream. I knew it. I’ll wake up anytime soon and Seungcheol will be back to his normal self. This is too good to be true!_

“Jeonghan? ‘You okay?”

_Seungcheol, I should be the one asking you that. Are you okay?_

“H-Huh? I’m—”

“—_crying_. You’re crying.”

Jeonghan flinched when he felt his husband’s palm on his cheeks, gently wiping the tears he didn’t know that fell down from his eyes. Seungcheol’s face was deprived of any expression, but he could clearly see concern clouding in his eyes.

_If this is just a dream, I’m glad I got to have you in it…_

Jeonghan held the other’s hands and cupped them with his own, savoring the warmth they emitted on his face. He caught his eyes and softly smiled, eyes still brimming with warm tears.

“I’m okay. I just couldn’t believe this day will come…” he mumbled with a grateful smile, gripping the other’s hands tightly.

Seungcheol surprisingly answered his smile. “Me, too.”

“Can you pinch me? So that I’ll know this is real.” Then he let go of the other’s hands, waiting eagerly for the pain that would determine the reality of their situation.

Seungcheol reluctantly lifted his arms and gently pinched his cheeks, too gentle he was not sure if it was a pinch or a caress. But still, the touch felt real. The Seungcheol in front of him was real.

“I… I know it would be hard to believe, but I think I want to start anew with you. For our baby, and also for… our marriage.”

Jeonghan’s mouth went agape.

He completely forgot about the illusory baby on his tummy!

“Mom told me things last night that made me realize a lot of things. I’m getting tired of being mad with you, anyway. It’s already here, we’re already married, so I thought let’s just compromise and see where things will go.” Seungcheol slid a finger under his chin and slowly lifted his chin up, creating a contact within their eyes. “So… would you like to start anew with me?”

Seungcheol’s stare was very much different from the usual glare he gave him. His eyes were now looking at him with tenderness that he felt that there were too many raging butterflies inside his stomach wanting to get freed.

“I…” _am not pregnant_ “…want to, Seungcheol.”

Seungcheol’s lips quirked a thankful smile and in his utmost surprise, the other leaned in closer, kissing him full on the lips. The squeak that Jeonghan wanted to release was trapped by the kiss his husband was giving him. Unconsciously, Jeonghan’s arms wrapped around his husband’s neck to deepen the kiss.

“To seal our new beginning.” Seungcheol said as their lips parted, both of them catching their breaths with a smile.

***

_“What do you mean by sleep over? That’s just for teenagers!”_

Jeonghan quirked his head up from the book he was reading and stared at his husband’s distorted face while talking someone over his phone. His voice raised and he suspected he was having a bad time with the one he’s talking with. He focused his eyes back on the book again, but his attention was not on it anymore and instead he decided to eavesdrop in hopes of getting an idea who he was talking to.

They were currently at the living room, with him reading a book and Seungcheol with his laptop, quietly sitting side by side with a reasonable amount of distance between them until his husband’s phone rang. They decided that for starters, they should try bonding together so the awkwardness between them would gradually decrease. It was Seungcheol who suggested the idea, though.

_“What? Two nights? Isn’t that a bit long—”_ He seemed like he was interrupted.

Jeonghan watched him through side glance with more curiosity.

_“In an hour? But why so sudden—Hello? Hello?!”_ Seungcheol distanced the phone from his ear and stared at it with frustration. It seemed like the caller already ended the call. He stifled a chuckle when his husband sighed deeply in defeat, dropping his phone carelessly beside him.

“What’s the matter?” he put the book down beside him and tried to appear as if he wasn’t eavesdropping just moments ago.

Seungcheol sighed once more and inched closer to him, making his breath hitch. The smell of his perfume filled his lungs—the musk scent of his perfume mixed with the natural scent of a man. He looked up to him and finally noticed he was sitting too close, too close he could already feel the warmth emanating from his body. He fought the urge to close his eyes and savor the comfortable contact.

“Mom called and said they’ll be sleeping over, she and your mom.”

“What?” _But why?_

“Your mom and my mom,” Seungcheol closed his eyes and massaged the bridge of his nose. “They’ll be here in an hour, after they bought baby toys and stuff, that’s what she said,” he opened his eyes and took one of Jeonghan’s hand, rubbing relaxing circles on his palm with his thumb. The act was gentle and calming but it did not make Jeonghan feel relaxed.

His body tensed.

_Oh no!_

Seungcheol seemed to sense his growing tension and mistook it for something else. “Hey, it’s okay. We could just bring your things in my room and let them use yours. Besides, it’s… it’s high time we do that, right? I mean, sleeping in one room?” he awkwardly asked, his other hand unconsciously drumming on his lap while the hand that was holding his subtly let go, making Jeonghan suddenly miss the warmth of the contact.

Jeonghan loved the idea, but the reason behind it made it hard for him to feel any triumph.

“W-Why are they sleeping over?” he managed to ask.

Seungcheol shrugged his shoulders and muttered, “Excited grandparents?”

Jeonghan bit his lip. Paranoia had started engulfing him since last night, and the fact that he was not used to lying made his situation even harder. If only lying was easy…

“Shall we ask the maids to arrange our things now? It’s not like an hour is long enough, right?” Seungcheol lifted his hand and tucked a few strands of hair behind Jeonghan’s ears. The gesture was friendly and safe enough, but it gave a different effect to him.

It was the first time that his husband was acting like a real husband. He was loving the new Seungcheol, probably just the old Seungcheol that was now making his return. He was now returning to his old loving self like how Nanny Park had described him whenever she told him stories about his husband. The sweet Seungcheol he was not able to witness because he morphed into a monstrous Seungcheol the moment he married him.

Unknowingly, a bright smile found its way on his lips.

_Let’s just cross the bridge when we get there,_ he thought with resignation. _Let me just savor these moments, yeah?_

With a brightened mood, he stood up and said, “Let’s go!”


	10. CHAPTER 9 [The Sleepover: Mothers’ Intrusion Pt. 1/2]

“Your house is spacious, huge even, but there is definitely _something_ that lacks in this household…” Mama Choi mumbled with furrowed eyebrows, her eyes were scanning the whole area and her arms were crossed over her chest. Jeonghan stood beside Seungcheol, eyes following Mama Choi’s line of vision. Meanwhile, Seungcheol’s arm was draped over his waist as if protecting him from the two mothers.

Jeonghan blushed at the thought.

_Stupid! Why would you even need protection from them? Seungcheol must have put his arms around me unconsciously. Yeah, that’s it!_

“…but it is not the least child-friendly, and it lacks the family vibes,” Mama Yoon mused, earning a delightful smile from Mama Choi for her help.

Mama Choi clasped her hands together, seemingly getting excited. “Yes, you got that right! Our grandchild would probably just opt to _float_ rather than to crawl in this house when he reached eight months! I mean, look at those sharp edges?”

_Float, really?_ Jeonghan cringed at the two mothers’ exaggeration.

“Baby-proofing, and what else? Oh, a baby room and a playroom!”

“Yes! That and—”

“Hey, the baby isn’t even born yet,” Seungcheol finally decided to intervene. There was an amused smile tugged onto his lips as he looked at the mothers. “As much as we would like to hear about your _suggestions_, Jeonghan and I will do something about that once we’ve already decided on what to do. Right, Han?” Seungcheol looked at him with a smile, showing off his cute set of dimples that Jeonghan had started to develop a fascination to. He liked seeing how his cheeks would produce the cute curves whenever he smiled. It’s as if that whenever those creases show, Seungcheol was genuinely happy. And that thought brought rays of sunshine in his heart.

“Yeah, I agree with Seungcheol. I mean, we’re already thankful enough for the _truck of toys _and_ baby clothes_ you bought for us today…” Jeonghan couldn’t help but to emphasize the product of the mothers’ excitement, voice filled with both amusement and glee.

Come to think of it, they were already this excited even with just a thought of a baby on his tummy, what more else if the actual baby was _born_?

Well, it’s not that he actually had a baby inside his tummy to give birth with. But still… “Uhm, so yeah, we’ll talk about it soon.”

Mama Choi scoffed and clung her arm onto Mama Yoon’s and looked at her with unbreakable determination in her eyes. “These two need our guidance the most. I was thinking if we should just stay here until our Jeonghannie gives birth?”

“Mom!” The two of them chorused in protest, eyes bulging due to the unexpected thought.

Mama Choi’s eyebrow raised before she started walking onto the expensive couches and sat down, with Mama Yoon quietly trailing on her and also sat down. The two of them had no choice but to sit down side by side as well.

“We just want to make sure that Jeonghan and the baby will be safe until he gives birth. Is that too much to ask?” Mama Yoon asked in a solemn voice that Jeonghan felt a burning sensation at the pit of his stomach. He felt guilty for making his mother feel sad and unwanted.

“But what about our privacy?” Seungcheol asked, now already calmer than he was a while ago.

“We promise not to invade your privacy, son,” Mama Choi quickly answered. “We’ll just be here to make sure that—”

“Still a ‘no’, mom. I’m sorry,” Seungcheol said with finality but was not anything disrespectful. Suddenly, he looked uncomfortable and slightly tensed up. “Jeonghan and I… we’re… we’re building our own family. And by ‘own’, I mean just the two of us. I mean—ugh! You get it already, right?” Frustration was evidently written all over his face and Jeonghan clearly knew why he was feeling that way. Unconsciously, he took one of Seungcheol’s hands and held it tight.

The way Seungcheol had badly treated him before was only known by Seungcheol, him, and Nanny Park. The nanny had long been wanting to tell their parents about it, but Jeonghan would always beg her not to, saying he could handle it and that he didn’t want Seungcheol to look bad in their parents’ eyes. He didn’t want to put his husband in a situation where in he would be criticized for doing something that was just normal for a person who felt betrayed and was deeply angered. Call him stupid and ignorant, but he clearly understood Seungcheol’s actions.

The mothers looked at each other with a sigh.

“I’m sorry to you both. We’re just so excited we forgot that you’re all grown up,” Mama Choi mumbled apologetically, a regretful smile was plastered on her face while Mama Yoon gave them an apologetic look as if she just finally realized that they were indeed all grown up. “But since we’re already here, I hope we’re at least allowed to sleepover?”

Jeonghan beamed and nodded his head a little too hyper than usual. “Of course! You’re very much welcome to our house. I missed bonding with you both,” he genuinely replied. He looked at his husband and meekly smiled. “Seungcheol-ah, you wouldn’t mind, right?”

“Of course, if it’s okay with you then it’s okay with me as well,” Seungcheol answered and he fought the urge to squeak when his husband suddenly lifted their entwined hands and kissed the back of his hand. Jeonghan swore he could feel the blood in his neck go upwards up to his whole face.

“Omo! Sanghee-ssi, you didn’t inform me that your son is this sweet,” Mama Yoon commented which made his cheeks feel so hot, so hot that he could rival a volcano eruption. He immediately retreated his hands from Seungcheol’s grasp and covered his mouth with his hand, avoiding his husband’s gaze.

“Y-yah…” he shyly mumbled, his free hand lightly hit Seungcheol’s chest.

A stifled laugh emerged from Seungcheol, followed by the mothers’ boisterous laughter. Jeonghan lowered his head and bit his lip from embarrassment.

Why was he embarrassed? He did not clearly know why.

Maybe, it’s because he just was not used to Seungcheol being overly sweet, plus the fact that their mothers were openly teasing them about it. Also, maybe because a part of him had long been wanting to experience the sweet gesture. And now that it had come to life, he did not know how to react because he had never once thought that it would come true. Never.

“I like it when you blush, babe,” Seungcheol whispered as he leaned closer, his hot breath tickled his neck which made the hair on his nape all stand up. His eyes automatically closed and as exaggerated as it may seem, he felt the need to catch Seungcheol’s minty breath and put in inside a bottle. It’s… addicting.

“Hey, stop being too lovey-dovey, you two. Bring our luggage to our room and let’s have a showdown in your entertainment room!”

***

The showdown, as it turned out, was a thrilling karaoke session. The mothers were too eager to sing that they even made a bet on who’s going to have the highest score.

Jeonghan couldn’t believe at how high-spirited their mothers were, for it was the first time that he saw his mom like that. And Mama Choi was even more unexpected, because she was too glamorous that he thought all she could do was to be a prim and proper lady whose idea of having fun was going to spa parlors and hair salons.

“Yah, Seungcheol! It’s your turn now!” Mama Choi spoke as her eleventh song finally ended. Jeonghan looked at his husband expectantly, his eyes were filled with excitement for it would be the first time that he’s going to hear him sing. Nanny Park once told him that Seungcheol had a great voice, and since then, he wished he could at least hear him sing. And it looked like it would finally happen.

Excitement and anticipation filled his heart.

“But mom, it’s been a while since I last sang. I don’t want to break your eardrums,” Seungcheol declined politely.

Jeonghan’s arms immediately went down. Looks like his most awaited dream wouldn’t be fulfilled…

“Oh, come on! You’re a natural, son. Here, sing your favorite song,” Mama Choi forcefully shoved the microphone into Seungcheol’s hand and she started pressing the buttons. Seungcheol, without having any power against his mom, just held onto the microphone with a retreating sigh while watching her manipulate the device.

Jeonghan’s ears clapped and he internally squealed._ Kyaaaaa. I’m going to hear him sing!_

Though it might seem like Jeonghan was ‘betraying’ his own husband for feeling that way, for being happy that Seungcheol was doing something against his will to be exact, he felt really thankful for Mama Choi’s persuasive capabilities. Or better yet, her mother authority against his son.

Seconds later, a familiar tune of Monday Kiz’s A Man was played.

** _Imi dareun saram gyeote niga inneunde_ **

_(You’re already at someone else’s side)_

** _Geuui soneul japgo inneunde _ **

_(You’re holding onto his hand)_

** _Hangeoreumdo motgago neul jejariin geol_ **

_(Unable to take even a step, you’re always in that place)_

** _Tto oneuldo harumankeum meoreojineun geol_ **

_(Again today, we’re growing a day apart)_

Jeonghan was mesmerized. The husky voice of Seungcheol blended well with the tune. It’s as if the song rightfully belonged to him for him to sing, and Jeonghan wanted to close his eyes and just savor the beauty of his voice. Without putting much effort, Seungcheol managed to convey the right amount of feelings needed for the song.

Effortless singing, that’s it.

Truth be told, and without any biased judgment, Nanny Park was right—Seungcheol had a voice that could make someone feel special. He had a nice, sultry voice that could make anyone swoon over him.

**Naega doel sun eomneunji neol saranghal saram **

_(Can’t I become that person, the person to love you?)_

**Babocheoreom nunmullo samkyeobojiman **

_(Like a fool, I try to hold it back with my tears, but…)_

Jeonghan was enjoying the song when Seungcheol suddenly turned his way, his expressive eyes were staring at him as if he’s singing the song for him. Only for him.

He felt his heart skip a beat. Confusion and delight clouded his eyes as he stared back at him, unable to take his eyes off him while he also did the same. It’s as if they were the only people inside the room and the mothers weren’t there—no one’s there except for them, in their own world, feet on the clouds instead of the marbled floors, eyes locked with each other, unmindful of their surroundings...

**Gaseume niga kkok eonchyeoseo nungae niga tto maechyeoseo**

_(Because you’re so clearly placed on my heart, because you keep forming at the rims of my eyes)_

**Ipgae sueobsi maemdon mal neol saranghandago**

_(The words linger endlessly about my lips, I love you)_

**Ijeuryeo balbeodung chyeobwado jiuryeo sure neul chwihaedo**

_(Even if I throw a fit to forget you, even if I drink every day to erase you)_

**Geuriul neojanha chajaol neojanha**

_(You’re the one I’ll miss, you’re the one who’ll find me)_

_Thump thump thump thump! _

Jeonghan’s heart was in a state of chaos. His heart was beating so crazily it could almost jump out of its ribcage. His stomach was also churning from the different mixtures of emotions engulfing him.

The bubble that was created which separated them from the two mothers had immediately vanished when they heard a series of “Oohhh, what a lovely voice!” and “Wow, they must be really in love!” from the mothers.

Jeonghan immediately broke the eye contact and pretended to be drinking his iced tea, albeit the fact that he couldn’t really taste the drink due to embarrassment. Seungcheol, on the other hand, continued his song until it was finished and his score of a perfect 100 was revealed.

All of them clapped enthusiastically, excluding Seungcheol who had a smirk on his red lips as if he was too proud to be the first one to get the perfect score.

Jeonghan didn’t mind. He had all the right to act that way because he really was amazing. It was another shocking discovery that would probably be added on his list of things of what he loved about his husband.

“Jeonghan, you’re next!”

.

.

.

_Eh?!_

***

` **- - Diary Entry 333 - -** `

` _Diary! Oh, how do I start this? Seungcheol and I had a truce, and we’re starting over. I love the new Seungcheol—he’s full of surprises and I just wish he would be like that always! He takes care of me like I’m made of glass, fragile and worth taking care of. I just can’t explain how happy I am, that I am tearing up while writing this! That’s how happy I am, and I’ll make sure to appreciate every little thing that my husband would do for me._ `

` _It’s… it’s weird how my love for him seem to grow each day. I thought I already love him to the fullest, so how come my feelings for him are still growing? Is that even possible?_ `

` _But hey, enough of that. I know you already know how much I love him because every page of you contains my professed love for him_ _ㅋㅋㅋ_ `

` _I just hope… that before he knew about my lie, he’s already in love with me so at least I’ll have a chance, even a little, that he’ll forgive me soon. If he already loves me, I know he’ll find it in his heart to forgive me. I’m not expecting anything, I’m just wishing that at least, he could offer me forgiveness._ `

` _Don’t worry, I know that it’s bad to lie. I’m just finding the right timing and gaining some strength to admit the truth. Just give me some more time... because I don’t really feel good about fooling people. Especially the one I love and of course, our parents._ `


	11. CHAPTER 10 [The Sleepover: Mothers’ Intrusion Pt. 2/2]

Jeonghan was anxiously drumming his fingers on his lap, eyes focused on the two mothers who were busy singing their hearts out to the tune of a popular old song from their time, but his mind was not really with them. His mind was filled with so much thoughts and wary it was hard for him to relax.

Well, who wouldn’t be?

He and his husband were surprised when one of the mothers challenged them into a ‘duet competition’ wherein he and Seungcheol were teamed up against the two.

It’s not that he did not have any confidence in his husband, but rather, he had no confidence in himself. He knew his voice was not that bad, but it was not that good either. In other words, he’s just an average singer. And compared to Seungcheol and the mothers, his ‘average’ singing skills were nothing against their superb singing skills.

And why was he _that_ nervous, if you may ask?

Well, it was not just a simple challenge, because the mothers made sure they’d take it seriously so they placed a bet.

If they win, the mothers would cut their stay for only a night instead of two, thus giving them more privacy. While on the other hand, if the mothers win, Seungcheol had to piggyback ride him all throughout the house. And that added more to his worry. And guilt.

Because in his mind, he so desperately wanted to lose the challenge, because he had to admit that the _prize_ was really tempting. The moment he heard about the catch, he had already imagined himself positioned at the back of Seungcheol while wrapping his arms on his neck, bodies too close while exchanging body heat. And who knows if… 

He blushed.

Was he being a pervert? It’s not like he was desperate for the skinship, anyway. It’s just that… he was already offered a chance to be closer with Seungcheol, and who in their right minds would let that pass? Not him, definitely! So imagine the burden he was feeling at that moment. He was torn between wanting to win because it’s a challenge and he wanted to impress Seungcheol, but a larger part of him _(like, 99.99 percent of him)_ just wanted to lose because the punishment was much more tempting than the winning prize. It also didn’t help the way their mothers look at them as if saying ‘See this? You can’t beat us!’ while singing. They were a great duo, honest.

And Seungcheol was just a few centimeters away from him, all relaxed and confident and calm unlike him.

He bit his lip and lowered his head unconsciously.

“Hey, we can beat them. Don’t be anxious because you have to trust me, like I trust you, alright?”

Jeonghan flinched when he felt Seungcheol’s hand wrap around his, gently massaging his palm with his thumb in soothing circles in an attempt to make him feel relaxed.

Was he that obvious? But Seungcheol got it wrong—he actually did not want to beat the mothers, anyway. He had another agenda.

He lifted his gaze and met Seungcheol’s eyes. “Y-You trust me?” _As in really, really, really trust me?_

Seungcheol chuckled. “Of course! Your mom has an amazing voice, it’s not hard to guess you also have the same,” he said with cocked eyebrows.

Jeonghan did not know why but he was unhappy with his answer.

_“Hey, it’s your turn now. Beat our score or lose, our little babies!” _ _Upon hearing one of the mother’s voice, Seungcheol immediately released his hand and they both turned towards the TV screen._

Flashing in the screen was a big and bright ‘93’, and the butterflies inside Jeonghan’s stomach went havoc. The confident smiles on the oldies’ lips added more pressure to what Jeonghan was feeling.

Should he… or should he not?

If he were to write an essay about what he was currently feeling, the paper would surely just be filled with erasures and punctuation marks and ugly scratching(s). Why, he just did not know what to do anymore!

“Nice try, mom,” Seungcheol spoke with a smirk. He finally stood up and offered him a hand in which he reluctantly accepted and finally stood up. The moment his hand touched his, it was as if all the hesitations and worries in his system all flew away; the warmth his hand emitted and the confidence in his eyes were all enough for him to finally calm down and function properly.

With a smile, he stared at his husband who surprisingly smiled back at him, his cute gums and dimples showing. He felt butterflies in his stomach. But because of that, he finally know what to do. He had decided.

Seconds later, an old, romantic music finally filled the room.

_Ready?_ Seungcheol mouthed and Jeonghan nodded his head, face filled with confidence and determination while tightly holding the microphone, eyes focused on the TV screen.

***

“Hah, we already told you to prepare your feelings—”

“—and also Seungcheol’s back.”

“Yes, because he’s going to give our Jeonghannie the sweetest piggyback ride all throughout the house!”

Seungcheol’s lips curled into an amused smile. Were they really this childish, more childish than their sons who were a lot younger? That day really was a surprising day for discovering new things about their moms, especially his mom. He never knew she was capable of being that way, forgetting her poise and all just to be a diva.

Bemused, he turned his way towards the long-haired male who was quietly sitting beside him.

He was expecting for him to look all guilty and such, with his personality it was not hard to guess it’s what he would feel, but he was more than surprised to find out he seemed to be so… calm? If you can call smiling to himself calm, that’s it.

Jeonghan’s aura was somewhat off for someone who had just lost a bet, for someone who was so worried and anxious before the bet began. He also seemed to be lost in his own world, ignoring his mother who was initiating a conversation until she gave him a weird look and finally gave up and just chatted with Seungcheol’s mom instead when she got no reaction from her own son.

_Something’s not right here._

Seungcheol scrunched his nose and scooted closer to Jeonghan, tapping his leg lightly to get his attention. Jeonghan looked up to him in surprise. “Hey, out of all the people who lost, it’s just you who looks so calm and happy. I wonder why?” he managed to ask, stifling the urge to smirk when Jeonghan’s plump lips formed a tiny ‘O’ and he suddenly looked alarmed.

The playfulness in Seungcheol arose more when Jeonghan’s face gradually turned pink, and the suspicion in his mind got bigger. _Aha!_ “Well...?”

“W-What are you saying? Of course I am sad that we l-lost!” Jeonghan stuttered with a defensive expression on his face., his eyes were looking at everywhere but him.

His eyebrow raised. “Really? I just saw you smiling to yourself a while ago, as if you were imagining something… like you being on my back, perhaps?” he replied in a playful tone.

Jeonghan averted his gaze and stared at his own tangled hands as if it’s a lot more interesting to look at than him. “I wasn’t s-smiling, you were just imagining things!”

Seungcheol started to notice the beads of sweat that were starting to appear on Jeonghan’s smooth forehead. He triumphantly smiled to himself. _A little torture teasing wouldn’t hurt a pregnant person, would it?_

Feigning innocence, he asked, “Oh, yeah? I thought you intentionally made yourself out of tune so you can ride on my back.”

Seungcheol’s only intention was to tease him a little, so he was surprised when Jeonghan’s already pink face grew a shade darker and his already big eyes grew even wider they could almost pop out of his sockets as if he was caught doing something illegal. His facial expression was weird, and he was more than amazed when Jeonghan took a throw pillow beside him and buried his face with it with a loud grunt.

“_Oi_, what did you do to your wife?” he heard Mama Choi ask, curiously watching Jeonghan wrestle his face with the pillow while squirming and making those weird sounds.

Seungcheol shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know? I was just teasing him that maybe he intentionally sang out of tune just so we could lose… and then he went that way,” he answered as he pointed Jeonghan whose face was still buried in the soft pillow.

Mama Yoon chuckled and strode closer to her son, gently massaging his shoulders but he wouldn’t even budge. Like a normal loving mother, she said in a calming voice: “_Jeonghannie,_ it’s okay. That’s what I’ve been thinking when I heard you sing, either. I know you intentionally made your team lose, so you could, _you know_, have the most enjoyable piggyback ride of your life?”

All of them, excluding Jeonghan, burst into laughter when they clearly heard a muffled _“Traitor mom!”_ followed by a loud _“Waaaaah!”_

“I knew it,” Seungcheol managed to say in between fits of laughter.

***

To say that Jeonghan was embarrassed was just an understatement.

He was, in fact, _very very very_ much embarrassed—thanks to his own idea. He never expected to be caught that easily. He never thought Seungcheol would be that sharp and playful enough to make him just want to be swallowed by the ground and hide in its depths forever to avoid the embarrassment.

And their mothers… their moms! He felt like he was sabotaged. Just thinking about what happened earlier was enough to give him an embarrassment that would probably last for a life time.

But of course, as much as he wanted to deny, the piggyback ride felt… _wonderful_.

It was wonderful in a sense that he was able to be in closer contact with his husband. It was only one of the few times when he felt so carefree around his husband. It was a simple yet wonderful memory he would love to treasure for the rest of his life.

Simple things make him happy. But Seungcheol makes him happier.

He sighed dreamily and tried to stifle a huge smile while hugging his pillow, eyes closed tightly. Seconds later, he felt the other side of the bed sank. “What’s wrong, Han?”

Counting in his head from one to five to calm himself, he slowly turned towards his husband and meekly hummed, “Hmm?”

“Your face is kinda pinkish. Are you feeling hot? I could lower the air condition unit’s temperature if you want,” Seungcheol offered with genuine concern as he gently cupped his cheek, making him want to close his eyes and savour the feeling of his warm hand against his skin.

“Hey there, love birds!” Both of them broke eye contact and immediately rose up from their shared bed, eyes staring wide at the intruders who were currently smirking at the door as if they caught them doing ‘something’. Jeonghan clutched his hands under the blanket and unconsciously heaved a long breath through his nose.

“We aren’t interrupting something, are we?” Mama Yoon asked with a malicious glint in her eyes. Jeonghan felt his whole face burn.

Seungcheol cleared his throat. “Uh… is something the matter?” Seungcheol asked with creased forehead. 

Mama Yoon clapped cheerfully. “Ah, we just want to wish you two a good night sleep!”

“Yeah, that and we also want to see you kiss each other good night!” Mama Choi enthusiastically added.

Jeonghan’s jaw almost dropped upon hearing his mother-in-law’s request. “E-Excuse me?”

“You disturbed us just to see us kiss each other good night?” Jeonghan nodded when Seungcheol voiced out his exact thought.

Mama Choi scoffed. “Just kiss already, okay?” she said in an authoritative tone, making Jeonghan gasp in a mix of surprise, nervousness, and excitement all rolled into one. On the other hand, Seungcheol only looked at the as if he found them insane.

Jeonghan tried catching his mother’s eyes which he successfully did, silently asking what was that all about, but she only playfully winked at him in return.

He bit his lip in (slight) anticipation.

“We already kissed before you came,” Seungcheol said nonchalantly. His voice was so firm and convincing that had Jeonghan not known the truth, he probably would believe what he said without any doubt.

Upon hearing what his husband said, there was a huge protest that arose from Jeonghan because why not? They haven’t kissed yet, for Pete’s sake!

Both mothers chuckled. “Oh, Seungcheol. Your mothers want to see it live. Can’t you just gratify our simple request? You will just kiss like normal husbands and wives do, is all,” Mama Yoon said with a little bit of… wait, is that _aegyo_?! Jeonghan mentally facepalmed and bit his lip in embarrassment, for himself or for his mom—he couldn’t figure out.

He flinched when he felt Seungcheol’s familiar warm hand against his. It was only a simple touch, but there was a jolt of electricity that ran throughout his body, but not enough to kill him. In fact, it was a kind of electric shock that felt so good.

“Can I?” Seungcheol reluctantly asked, his brown orbs staring deep into his.

Right at that moment, Jeonghan felt like he was drowning. He was drowning deep into his husband’s eyes that even though it was not quite clear to him what he was asking permission for, he found himself nodding, ignoring the soft squeals coming from their parents when Seungcheol smiled and slowly inched closer to him, aiming for his lips.

Jeonghan’s breath hitched when he finally felt the soft and warm lips against his. And because he wasn’t expecting it, the kiss abruptly ended just as when he was about to close his eyes and respond. _W-What? That’s it?!_

Seungcheol crossed his arms and raised a brow towards the squeaking mothers. “Happy now?”

_No!_

“We are, but it seems like Jeonghan isn’t,” Mama Yoon said teasingly, pointing at Jeonghan who had an obvious annoyed look on his face. He immediately covered his face with a pillow when Seungcheol turned to him.

“M-Mom! What are you saying? We already k-kissed, so please go to your room now!” Jeonghan shouted, face still hiding behind the soft pillow. He suddenly felt hot, his face felt hot. His breathing also increased its pace. He couldn’t face Seungcheol or their moms because he’s embarrassed. Embarrassed at how he felt annoyed about their moms’ childish request, yet irritated when his husband just kissed him for a mere second.

Their room was filled with the women’s boisterous laughter. And even though he couldn’t hear Seungcheol’s voice, he knew he was smiling ear-to-ear and was probably giving him a mocking laugh inside his head. Jeonghan dug his face deeper to the pillow and lied flat on his back, ignoring the mothers’ wishes of ‘good night’ and ‘sleep well’.

When the room was finally quiet and dark, Jeonghan removed the pillow from his face and turned away from his husband, his back facing him, a silent gesture that meant he didn’t want to talk anymore.

But Seungcheol seemed not to get his silent request.

“Hey, I could give you more than just a kiss. They already left, no need to sulk and—”

“SHUT UP!”

“—let me just kiss you?”

“Goodnight, Seungcheol!”

“But the kiss—”

“My fist will surely kiss your face if you don’t shut up, Choi Seungcheol.”

And the room was finally quiet.

_Finally. Uwaaaaaa._

* * *

**And a little add-on for this chapter:**

When Jeonghan noticed that Seungcheol was finally asleep and his breathing was already slow and stable, he slowly inched towards his face and gave him a light but long kiss as a punishment for teasing him. When he felt that the kiss was already enough to compensate for the embarrassment he made him feel, he giddily went back to his position and prepared to sleep. But what he heard next made him jump and fall down from their shared bed, butt first FYI.

"You molested my lips. I never thought that angels could be this naughty."

_Oh. My. God._


	12. CHAPTER 11 [Love is an Endless Sense of Guilt]

“Hello?”

_ “Jeonghan.”  _

The beautiful male’s eyes widen, “Seung… Seungcheol?”

_ “Yes, it’s me.” _

_ Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. _

Jeonghan’s grip on his phone tighten in anticipation as his heart was making this funny heartbeat marathon again. “Uh, what’s the matter? Did you leave anything? ‘Want me to bring it you? Where is—” Jeonghan’s words were interrupted by a chuckle from the other line. Had Seungcheol been there, the other would probably be eyeing him weirdly for looking like a human tomato. 

_ Stupid. Idiot. You sounded so eager back ther _ _ e.  _ _ He might think that you’re overly excited! _

“U-Uhm…?”

_ “Relax, wife. I just want to ask you out for a dinner date later. That is, if you want to _ _ ? _ _ ” _

“Of course! I-I mean, yeah, I would love to have a dinner date with you…” he excitedly answered, his voice trailing off as his mind started to imagine the scenes he wanted to happen on their said date.

Seungcheol would arrive in their house to fetch him, looking so dashing and breathtakingly perfect in his three-piece suit, brush up hair, and a very sexy smile while looking at him like he was deeply mesmerized because he, too, prepared for that event so he dolled himself up in the best way he possibly can. Then Seungcheol would gently reach for his hand, intertwine it with his as he guided him inside his car, their smiles never fading…

_ “…so what do you think?” _

Seungcheol’s voice woke him up from his trance.

“H-Huh? Come… come again? The line was… was a bit b-broken so I couldn’t quite u-understand what you’re saying…” Jeonghan stammered, biting his lip as he silently reprimanded himself for not taking attention. He felt terrible by letting his imagination take him away and missed what his husband was saying. He had to lie just to cover himself up. His heart clenched.

Just how many lies did he need to say just to save himself? He grew up loathing telling lies, because he was told that lies lead to big, unexpected, terrible things. So lying even for the sake of the smallest of things was already a huge deal for him. And since then, Jeonghan’s feeling of barely-controlled anxiety was always with him wherever and whenever he went.

He let a silent sigh out. He’s a hopeless case, wasn’t he?

_ “I said, can you go to ******Jeongsik Dang by 7PM? I wouldn’t be able to fetch you because I had my car fixed and the car services manager who happen to be an old acquaintance told me they would just drive my car by the restaurant at around 9PM. We wouldn’t want a very late dinner, right? So if it’s okay with you…” _

“Y-Yeah, of course it’s okay! No biggie, I can go there by myself, don’t worry,” Jeonghan faked a chuckle even though a pang of disappointment had already started to occupy his heart. “I’ll just take a cab and be there at 7PM sharp. Is that all?” He tried hard not to show his disappointment, defending in his mind that Seungcheol’s excuse was acceptable and not made in purpose. Because if his car was in good condition, he probably—100 percent sure—would fetch him. And that thought made him relax again.

_ “Please be there, that’s all,” _ Seungcheol answered in a soft voice, as if he didn’t want him to hear but he still heard. _“A-Alright, I’ll hung up now. Bye!”_

Even though the call had already ended, Jeonghan was still holding his phone on his ear, smiling too wide his lips almost touched his forehead, looking directly at nothing.

_ ‘Please be there.’ _ If he had deciphered it right, Seungcheol was subtly begging for him, out of desperation, perhaps? 

He felt giddy. A surge of emotions ran through his whole being. He felt all the blood in his face go in his cheeks. He felt his legs go wobbly.

All because those three words meant so much to him. 

_ **Jeongsik Dang is a Korean fine dining restaurant located in Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam. _

***

A few hours before his date, the doorbell rang and Jun’s lanky figure appeared, confidently letting himself in even before he told him he can. He stifled a grin as the newcomer sat on the couch as if he was the owner of the house.

“Angel, have a seat please,” Jun said as he pointed a finger at the free space beside him. Jeonghan’s brow quirked in amusement, but he obliged nonetheless and strode lazily beside him.

“Okay, so what’s with this invasion of privacy?” he joked, crossing his arms together to make it look like he was seriously castigating him instead of really enjoying his peculiar way of visiting him.

Jun huffed. “’Thought you’d say _unexpected visit_, that’s the proper way of saying it. Invasion of privacy is too much, you ungrateful brat!” he exclaimed, wearing off a look of betrayal. Jeonghan knew him too well so he just chuckled and gestured a peace sign to make up with him. But Jun just gave him a sullen glance and continued, “Well, just so you know, I am deeply bored and I want to unwind. Minghao is giving me too much stress lately! Let’s watch movies and dine out later. My treat, of course. _Howbowdah_?”

Jeonghan shot him a guilty look as he bit his lower lip. As much as he wanted to spend time with his best friend, he knew he had to sacrifice it.

“What’s with that look? You already have plans for later?”

Jeonghan nodded slowly. Jun raised a brow and almost hysterically, he said, “And it’s more important than mine?”

He nodded his head again and mouthed a silent ‘Sorry’.

Jun crossed his arms together and eyed him seriously. He felt uncomfortable being stared upon by his friend, because he felt guilty for not being guilty. He declined his friend’s invitation when he knew the other was feeling stressed, and he wasn’t feeling any remorse at all. Such a friend he was…

He was surprised when he saw the corner of the Chinese’s lip curve up into a smirk. He was baffled for a moment, because he was already half expecting him to throw tantrums (that only Jun could manage to do without looking like a brat kid — such talent he had) and demand that he should be with him instead and that he should just cancel his prior engagement because his stress-relieving activities were much, much, much more important than any other thing in the world. Yep, that’s the Wen Junhui he knew.

And yes, that’s how their friendship worked for the past years, and he still found it amusing especially when Jun starts doing the cute puppy eyes imitation just to make him change his mind. 

But right now, he was acting differently.

“Hey, stop giving me that look and start explaining,” Jun demanded.

Upon remembering what he would be doing later, Jeonghan gave him a sheepish smile. His cheeks started feeling warm and he knew he looked like a teenager blushing at the mere mention of his crush’s existence.

“Well…?” Jun impatiently blurted.

Jeonghan cleared his throat and started, “W-Well, you see, Seungcheol asked me out for dinner…” He couldn’t stare back at his friend so he looked down and played with his fingers instead, feeling his whole face boil in heat.

“Please elaborate, angel.”

Jeonghan’s face suddenly lift up. “Eh?”

“Please be more detailed, will you? Like, why would he ask you out — is it his birthday, your three-hundredth day, seventh month, or something?” Jun asked, looking so keenly interested.

Jeonghan beamed as he excitedly started talking, “I really don’t know why. I don’t recall having this day to be special. He just called and asked me out, is all.”

He was surprised when the house was suddenly filled with the sounds of hands clapping together so merrily. “Very good, very good!” Jun exclaimed as he slowly nodded his head, smile reaching his small eyes. “That is such a big improvement, isn’t it? Him asking you out on a _date_ without any known specific reason — _that’s perfect!_ Ooh, I can already smell love permeating in the air…” he naughtily added with a malicious grin.

Jeonghan froze.

Love? Does Seungcheol really love him now?

_ “I know it would be hard to believe, but I think I want to start anew with you. For our baby, and also for… our marriage.” _

_ Baby! _ Now he remembered…

_ “Is it okay if I go with you on your prenatal care check-up? Mom told me I should accompany you on those times so I could understand you much better, like when you suddenly have mood swings and I have to remind myself why you’re like that… Or when you want to do something but I’m not sure if it’s okay for you to do it. I also have to hear what your doctor is advising you, right? So I could take care of you better.” _

He bit his lip and muttered, “Junhui, I need your help…”

The other raised his brow, silently asking him to explain further. He closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, composed in his mind the right words to say, and said, “L-Last night while we were about to sleep, Seungcheol asked if he could come with me on my prenatal check-up… I felt so guilty and ashamed while I was making excuses on why he shouldn’t come, and I don’t know if he’s starting to doubt me now because he just fell silent while eyeing me as if he’s pondering whether I look suspicious or not, then he just nodded with a small smile saying _‘OK’_,” he paused when he felt his eyes start to dampen with tears. 

“God knows how much I wanted to tell the truth. I don’t like feeling anxious anymore, about this false pregnancy. I don’t only fool my husband, but also my parents and his. But every time I already made up my mind to just tell the truth already, there’s this evil voice inside my head telling me not to reveal anything until Seungcheol tells me he loves me. In that way, I can already have an assurance that once he knew the truth, there’s at least three percent chance that he can forgive me because I already occupy a part of his heart. That tiny percentage is much, much better than nothing, right?” He covered his face with his hands as warm tears started to flow endlessly. 

No one knew how miserable and disgusted he felt with himself. No one knew of the anxiety he had been going through when everyone just presumably thought he was carrying a child on his tummy; no one _tried_ to _know the truth_, for they all just presumed the legitimacy of the accusation without having presented enough evidence. They want _it_ to be the truth, and somehow along the way, Jeonghan eventually wanted _it_ to be the truth, as well. Thus, the lie was growing wilder and bigger like a fire, and it was getting harder and harder to control. Damage control seemed to be too impossible now.

And the burden in knowing that it was only _him_ who can put out the _fire_ just made it even harder…

Jeonghan’s attention was called when Jun cleared his throat and said, “Well, I understand your point and I think you just need to seduce him as what I have been telling you since the start, and make sure you’re fertile,” he said matter-of-factly, as though he was just sending him out to supermarket to buy a carton of milk. “If you indeed get pregnant after that, nobody would notice if you give birth two or three weeks later than your expected delivery. Other people give birth more that forty weeks, right? It will be the best solution, angel, without sacrificing your beautiful relationship now,” Jun continued in the tone of someone explaining that one apple plus one apple makes two apples.

Jeonghan pondered, and he doubted very much whether his friend could really help him now. As far as he knew, his dilemma started because of him and his uncontrollable mouth – if he had not come to their house and opened his big mouth about Nanny Park’s suspicion… Jeonghan virtually shook his head. No. Had Nanny Park not presumably thought he was pregnant, things wouldn’t go further than this…

Jeonghan now physically shook his head and closed his eyes. Now’s not the time to point fingers and blame. What he needed now was a clear plan that could save his getting-better-relationship with his husband once the truth was out, or if it would really get out at all (assuming that he would risk Jun’s idea).

“Well…?” Jun asked expectantly with a toothy grin, as if waiting for him to hear that his idea was brilliant. Jun’s insouciance irritated him so much that he yearned to throw a punch right at his jaw. 

Unconsciously, his jaw clenched and his stare became angry as his breaths grew irregular.

Should his matter really be taken lightly? How could the other still grin when everything was going so wrong in his life and—

“Oi, please don’t think that I am not taking you seriously, angel.” Jun muttered in a serious tone, eyes looking softly at his. “This is the only best solution that I could think of, as your best friend and as your almost brother.”

For the first time in a while, Jeonghan’s lips quirked into a genuine smile. ‘Almost your brother’ was their jokingly way of describing each other, for they were almost brothers born with different mothers with the way they treat each other. He flashed him a guilty smile, and Jun just nodded his head in understanding and embraced him as tight as he could.

“I’m sorry…” he said, drowning himself with the warmth of his friend’s embrace, not realizing that he just badly needed someone’s hug to think clearly again.

“It’s okay. Whatever your decision is, I always got your back, alright? Good or bad decision, it doesn’t matter since at least once in our lives, we need to learn our lesson.”

Jeonghan immediately broke free from their embrace and oddly eyed the other. “Who are you?”

Jun smirked, “Angel, I am your daydream disguised as your nightmare.”


	13. CHAPTER 12 [The only thing worse than guilt is fear of getting caught]

Jeonghan’s planned _dressing-myself-up_ activity before his best friend came had come into a halt before it even began when Jun volunteered himself_ (albeit forcefully)_ to be his fairy godmother. He just found himself shoved inside his friend’s car and then they were headed to the nearest mall. He wasn’t even able to protest because of utter shock, mind you. And now they were inside a well-known boutique, assisted by at least four sales staff, all of whom were cheekily smiling with sparkling eyes due to knowledge of how much clothes Jun buys from a single shopping and thus, their sparkling high commission at the palm of their hands.

“I appreciate your kindness, but… darn it, Jun! Have some consideration, please? We are not going to play Barbie Dress Up where you can just freely choose the clothes you like for me just because it seemed appealing to _your_ eyes. Once again, _your eyes_,” Jeonghan fumed irately when his friend tossed him a hundred pile of clothes which were all either pink, purple, orange, or combination of the three colors. Those colors were Jun’s favorite and he started to get suspicious the moment he tossed him the first garment, which was a very bright purple dress shirt.

Jun’s face turned paper white, obviously appalled by his sudden outburst. Jeonghan then realized how ungrateful he acted. “J-Jun, I… I’m sorry, you know I’m not really this obnoxious. I was just too nervous—”

Jun raised a hand to stop him from explaining.

“Angel, there’s no need to explain,” Jun said as his expression softened, offering him an understanding smile. “I understand how you just want everything to be perfectly done. I’m sorry, too, because I got too excited that I forgot I should pick clothes for you and not for me,” he continued and sheepishly chuckled.

Jeonghan felt relieved that Jun did not take his outburst to heart.

“Come to think of it, why don’t I just leave you with these beautiful ladies so they can assist you better, then I could shop for my own?” Jun suggested with a mischievous grin which made him roll his eyes.

He crossed his arms together and faked a disgusted look, “I knew the moment you dragged me here that you were just using this opportunity so you can have someone to carry all your shopping bags for you when we go home, you opportunist.”

All of them, including the four sales staff, laughed in unison. They ushered him to the new arrival section and started voicing out their suggestions in which he gladly considered. Meanwhile, Jun started fitting the tons of clothes he picked, assisted by two giggling ladies. He assumed they were trying to hit up with him with the way they were giggling at every nonsense his friend was spluttering and the obvious ‘shy’ flipping of their hair every time Jun was looking at them, plus the ugly smitten look they were wearing.

After what it felt like a lifetime of picking up the right clothes, Jun suggested, albeit with finality, that he should undergo hair makeover since his hair had always been styled plain and long since their puberty days. He skeptically agreed, doubtful whether a change of hairstyle would be good for him or not.

“Mild… or _wild_?” the hairstylist asked once he was settled on his seat. He gulped down a huge lump of nervousness as he watched their reflection on the mirror – him covered with red cutting gown, the hairstylist grinning beside him while inspecting his long, loose hair and seemingly ready to chop off all of it any time, and Jun smiling slyly. His heart started thudding against his chest, thudding so heavily that his throat seemed to vibrate along with it with every second that passed.

Jun then chuckled and coolly said, “I like it wild. Style it drastically wild!”

Jeonghan’s eyes bulged and he cried Jun’s name with a hint of a warning, but the Chinese ignored him and instead he added, “Too wild it would make it seem like he’s a different person, yet a lot more handsome and prettier, alright?” He winked at their reflection on the mirror and Jeonghan shuddered while the hairstylist nodded his head rather enthusiastically.

He sighed in retreat as the hairstylist started cutting the edges of his hair. He closed his eyes and convinced himself that it’s just hair, it will grow back in no time if he did not like the result. The hairstylist explained that it will be a lot shorter than it originally was, and that he would love it so he just had to trust him.

Trust? Wasn’t the best way to find out if you can trust somebody was to trust them? So he really had no choice… He had to accept the result, whatever it was, with a blind eye.

He stayed still and silent as he prayed for the outcome of his hair.

_It will grow back, Jeonghan._

After more than half an hour of hair makeover, Jeonghan was finally able to witness the result of the hairstylist’s experiment. His eyes couldn’t leave his reflection on the mirror, as if it was glued, that he wasn’t able to see the triumphant exchange of glances of Jun and the hairstylist, with Jun giving the other two thumbs up. He touched his now shorter, bob-styled hair which barely reached the end of his nape.

If he were to compare himself from the present and the past, he would definitely say that he looked years younger now than he did before. As what the hairstylist had said, his new look completely suited him, disregarding the fact that he was still yet to be used to the lighter weight of his crowning glory.

“I… I—”

“—like it?” the hairstylist interrupted.

Jeonghan shook his head, “No. I _love_ it!”

“See? I told you it’s high time you change your preferences. Change is a good thing.” Jun said as he played his hair with his fingers. “Soochan,” he called the hairstylist. “What style do you think would make anyone swoon over me, especially a hard-headed, noodle-haired Chinese guy? Well, it’s not like I’m not swoon-worthy right now. I just want to make sure I get everyone’s admiring eyes every time I walk by.”

Jeonghan squinched up his eyes in disgust at his friend’s overconfidence.

The hairstylist examined Jun’s hair (and face) for a few seconds before a smirk was drawn on his face, “I think I have the perfect hairstyle just for you. Should we do it now?”

Jun shook his head and apologetically smiled, “Sorry, but let’s do it some other time because this guy here,” he said and motioned Jeonghan who flinched at the mention of his name. “He’s got a date with his husband in a while and I can already feel his murderous glances boring holes in my skin. So, if you excuse us, Soochan?”

The hairstylist clasped his hands, “Oh, yeah, sure. Until next time. Thank you for dropping by, Sirs,” he answered and bowed respectfully. The two of them thanked the other and finally bid their goodbye.

***

Jeonghan still had two hours before the date; an hour and fifteen minutes if you’d minus the forty five-minute travel time he needed to get to the restaurant. He wanted to laugh at Nanny Park’s expression when she opened the door for them – she seemed really surprised by his new look that she didn’t even move to make way for them and instead, with bulging eyes she stared at Jeonghan and gasped.

“Jeonghan, is that really you?” she spoke and finally moved sideways so they can enter.

“Yes, Nanny, this is still me, just with a shorter hair. Does… does it not suit me?” he asked nervously, wincing in embarrassment. So far, he only had two people saying it looked good on him. He still needed more opinion to feel secure and less insecure.

“Of course not!” The nanny and Jun exclaimed simultaneously. The two looked at each other and chuckled.

“It suits you really well. Your new hairstyle accentuated the shape of your face and emphasized your beautiful, soulful eyes. You look different in a very good way, and I think Seungcheol will love it, too.”

Jeonghan blushed at the mention of his husband’s name, “R-Really?”

“Uh-huh. Believe me, he’ll be so smitten with you that you won’t be able to eat properly later because Seungcheol will keep on staring at you like a lovesick puppy,” the nanny teased and high-fived Jun whose eyes were also glinting with mischief. “So, what are you still doing? You should start prepping by now and make sure that your husband won’t be able to take his eyes off you. Now off you go!” she excitedly said and motioned her hands as if to cast them away.

Jeonghan sighed dreamily and gave her a thankful smile and the two of them finally ascended the staircase leading to his room.

“To tell you what, I’ll conclude that Seungcheol is mentally ill if he does not show any sign of adoration once he sees you,” Jun mumbled as he plopped down the bed, head buried in his arms. “Because to tell you what again, I don’t admire other people’s looks aside from mine easily. But a while ago after I saw your new look, I think I admired you for, like, a split second,” he added with a hint of seriousness in his voice.

Jeonghan snorted. “It’s just the hair that changed. And oh, by the way,” his eyebrow raised, “are you aware of the difference between ‘confidence’ and ‘arrogance’?”

Jun raised his head and shot him a lazy, confused look, “Why are you suddenly asking?”

Jeonghan crossed his arms and stated, “_Confidence_ is when you know you’re good, while _arrogance_ is when you think others know you’re good and that you are greater than others,” he explained as he crossed his arms. “Do you know where in those two you belong?”

“Of course! Confident,” Jun answered with a cocky smile.

Jeonghan heavily sighed, patience reaching the size of a microscopic organism. “No! You’re arrogant. You’re overconfident and arrogant, Jun. You love yourself way too much I’m thinking you’re going insane.”

“Nope! Seungcheol’s the one who’s insane. I mean, how could he not appreciate your efforts in all those time since you got married? I’m still pissed by it, mind you. But well, at least now he’s making up for it.”

Jeonghan fell silent and stopped rummaging through the pile of shopping bags. He quietly sat down beside Jun and stared at the marbled floor. The excitement and nervousness that he had been feeling since his husband’s last phone call all vanished, leaving him only with his guilt.

“Rather than saying that Seungcheol is insane…” he murmured quietly. “More than not appreciating me enough, the one who’s at bigger fault here is _me_. He just reacted like how someone who’s got a potential wife but then trapped into marrying a stranger would do. I came and ruined his potential family, remember? And now, the _misunderstanding_…” he sighed, feeling his heart clench too tight as if his guilty conscience didn’t want him to breathe anymore. “Therefore, I am the one who’s insane, right?” he asked bitterly.

Barely a few seconds passed when he felt Jun’s reassuring touch on his shoulder. He lifted his head and had not noticed that his friend had already shifted his position and was now sitting side-by-side by him. Jun was about to open his mouth when he raised his hand to prevent him from voicing out his thoughts. “I don’t need you to tell me that I shouldn’t feel bad because it’s not my fault. Things got out of hand because of my own lack of action,” he stopped and breathed deeply, “b-but now I’ve decided that this night won’t end without me telling the truth. And by telling the truth, I meant the _whole truth_, including why I married him, even if it means he would hate me even more.”

Jun clicked his tongue, as if a realization suddenly dawned upon him. “Is that the reason why even though you seem excited, you still don’t look genuinely happy all day? Your guilt?”

Jeonghan smiled bitterly, “I don’t know, Jun. I don’t want to feel so happy today. You know what they say? That it’s hard to be really happy because it feels like you owe it to the world to be so. One moment you’re the happiest person in the world, then the next second you’ll be the loneliest. It’s like you cannot be truly happy without getting sad in the end. And I’m afraid of that sadness. It might… it might be the end of _us_, Jun.”

Silence filled the room. Nobody dared to speak, even Jun who always had an opinion with everything. If the other was still just absorbing the words he said, or merely just speechless, Jeonghan wouldn’t know and dare to find out for he was deeply immersed in his own thoughts, too.

The determination to finally spill the truth out did not just come out of a sudden – he had thought about it completely, battling between the rational part of his mind and self-interest. Of course, in the end his rational part won, for his winning argument was that he had been selfish for far too long that it’s starting to gradually become his habit to put himself first. Besides, he couldn’t handle any further the emotional impact his conscience was giving him.

If Seungcheol got so mad at him after learning the truth, he would accept it. He would accept his punishment, the cold treatment, and his anger. But then he would try even harder to persuade him, to earn his forgiveness, to win him over. And when he finally gets it, he would gladly surrender his love, honesty, and whole life to him. He’s sure that Seungcheol wouldn’t let it go easily, but now he’s determined to make everything right, even if it meant he had to sacrifice their newly-formed good relationship.

“Jeonghan,” Jun finally spoke as he held both of his hands, gently squeezing them together in a manner depicting that he got his support. “Whatever your decision is, I’ll always be here for you. I will not judge you nor scrutinize your actions. You won’t even hear a single _‘I told you so’_ from me. I’ll be a good friend you can rely on,” he said, eyes filled with sincerity that made Jeonghan’s heart feel warm.

Right then, he’s finally convinced he made the right decision.

“Thank you so much, Junhui. I really need to hear that.”

***

Thirty minutes before the clock strikes seven in the evening, Seungcheol quickly shoved all the paper works he was working with in his drawer, not minding the fact that he still had piles over piles of papers to review. He glanced at his watch with impatience and anticipation.

“Oh, come on…”

He picked up the phone connecting to his secretary’s intercom, “Hey, Yoogyeong? I’ll be out early so anything that needs my signature will have to wait by tomorrow,” he said with urgency and ended the call before the secretary could even reply. He straightened his back through the swivel chair and stretched, feeling the effect of whole day’s hard work. He’s tired, but that didn’t stop him from the exhilarating feeling of what was to come later.

His lips formed a smile when he thought about what could happen in the next thirty minutes. Well, he somehow felt guilty because he couldn’t come home and pick up his wife for their date. He had his car towed in the morning to have it fixed. Well, he could take a cab, but it would be too much of a hassle, considering the traffic condition during that time of the night. He wasn’t sure if they could arrive at the restaurant the time he had it reserved, so thankfully, he sought for another plan although it cost him too much of his pride.

Left with no choice, he asked for Nanny Park for Jun’s phone number and yeah, asked him to bring Jeonghan safely to him. Jeonghan knew how to drive, and there was a spare car at their home, but Jeonghan had a faint heart when it came to driving in the busy city so he wouldn’t risk it to ask him to drive by himself. Besides, he’s pregnant and they wouldn’t know when_ morning sickness_ would come.

_“Why are you suddenly asking me? And why can I not tell Jeonghan that **you** asked **me** to do that?”_

_He cringed, and he was sure that the other had his eyebrow raised very high. Indeed, this was his first time when he reached out first to him. And he’s already asking for a favor. He cleared his throat and tried to sound as casual as possible, “Because… because you’re the only person I could trust with that? And I want everything to be a surprise for him. Besides, I think he misses you. Don’t you miss him, too?” _Please work!

_There was a loud clunk at the other end of the line. “Stop laying guilt trip on me! You know how I’ll do everything for Hannie, even if it means I have to be his driver when in fact I very much look like a Hollywood celebrity myself.”_

_It took him huge effort not to try to roll his eyes. Based on how Jeonghan cheekily described his friend, he should have had expected to hear that. Besides, he needed his help so he should just indulge him. “Yes, of course. I agree with that,” he coolly replied as he affixed his signature on the paper he was reviewing a while ago. “By the way, I’ll have my secretary go over your place to bring you my cards. Just message me your address. Max them all you want, just make sure that my wife is safe and has a leisure time before our date. Have fun shopping. Thank you, bye,” he said and finally hung up the phone._

What made him say all that, he could still not decipher. But what he clearly knew was that asking his wife for a date brought happiness and delight in him.

Besides, what’s more delightful than fulfilling the desires of the heart?


	14. CHAPTER 13 [Dreams vs. Reality: The Calm Before the Storm]

Jeonghan quickly ran at the far end of the restaurant where he saw Seungcheol’s familiar figure. “S-Sorry I’m late!” he apologized as he bowed his head really low when he finally reached his husband. “We didn’t expect we’d get stuck in a traffic—”

“Please, just sit down, Jeonghan,” Seungcheol dismissed in a cold, harsh voice. Although taken by surprise by the other’s coldness, he decided to follow him and tensely pulled out the chair in front of him and sat down. Clasping his hands tightly under the table, he lowered his head so he could avoid Seungcheol’s ice-cold, piercing eyes.

He’s almost an hour late due to a traffic accident in which _thankfully_, he wasn’t in. Two cars collided and when that happened, they were barely just five blocks away from home, still too far from the restaurant to just walk his way through. Besides, walking was not a really good option because the weather was bad. It had been raining so hard since they left the house, and the sound of roaring thunders and the scary appearances of lightning in the dark sky with its many branches and fork scared him so much. He also left his phone at home, and Jun’s phone was drained so he couldn’t inform his husband.

Perhaps because of all the misfortunes they encountered, Jun suggested he should just cancel the date, but as soon as he heard it, his heart, mind, and mouth protested. Opportunity knocks only once, he believed. When they finally reached their destination, he didn’t even dare to check how he looked at the mirror to check if he looked fine, nor bid his friend goodbye and to thank him for driving him safely. All that was in his mind was a prayer that Seungcheol was still there, waiting patiently for him to arrive. And oh, he felt a couple of relief when he saw his familiar figure. He quickly dragged his feet towards him, expecting his husband to be worried _(albeit a little pissed, that’s understandable),_ but he didn’t expect him to be like that – cold, scary, and intimidating.

He knew it was his fault for making him wait for an hour without notice, but he was expecting his husband to at least show some concern and worry since he’d never know if he was actually the one who’d been in the accident, right? What if he was in one of the cars that collided? Had that thought never occurred to him? He wanted to be upset, but he just fought the sprouting feeling for he knew it would do no good in the situation.

He slowly lifted his head and his eyes met Seungcheol’s – they were fuming with rage. Jeonghan opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out for he didn’t know what to say in the first place. In the end, he closed his mouth and waited patiently for his husband to speak his mind, disregarding the fact that he was trembling in nervousness for what was yet to come.

Seungcheol cleared his throat. “First of all, you look _terrible_ in that new hairdo,” he told him tersely, “I wonder what made you do that.”

Jeonghan’s face turned pale in shock, hurt, and embarrassment. He wasn’t expecting to hear those hurtful words out of his husband’s mouth first hand.

Tears started brimming in his eyes.

“Second, I already found out that you are _not_ pregnant,” Seungcheol spoke slowly, emphasizing every word as he crossed his arms together and gave him a daunting look, as if challenging him to oppose. But Jeonghan just froze with horror, and if only his face could possibly get any paler, he’d surely camouflage together with the white cotton tablecloth and the linen napkins.

Seungcheol smirked dangerously. Voice filled with sarcasm and mockery, he added, “Why? You think I will not find out about this little scheme of yours? I am not that dumb, my dear wife. I already found out a day after you spread your lies. I had you investigated.”

“S-Seungcheol…” Jeonghan’s whole body was shaking, his vision unclear because of uncontrollable tears.

Seungcheol chuckled darkly, “Ah, it was fun seeing you try so hard to make us believe that you indeed carry my child. But now, _playtime is over_. You know what that means?” he leaned over the table and lifted Jeonghan’s chin with his fingers. “It means we are getting _divorced_,” he whispered softly which sends shivers down Jeonghan’s spine.

Although the way Seungcheol spoke those words was calm, on the other hand, his mind was far from being calm. His mind was filled torturous thoughts it was hard for him to create a coherent explanation. Automatically, his hands moved as he grabbed Seungcheol by the arms and held them tight, “P-Please, hear m-me out. I have an e-explanation. Please…”

Seungcheol’s eyebrow raised questioningly, “Please what? Please make you really pregnant, as what your friend suggested?”

There was a loud boom inside his head, like a bomb which detonated specially inside his ears. “No! Please listen to me—”

_ “—Jeonghan?”_

“It wasn’t my intention, Seungcheol. I was just—”

_ “Yoon Jeonghan! Wake up!”_

Jeonghan’s eyes fluttered open upon hearing Jun’s panic-stricken voice. Gasping for breath, his eyes roamed around to find out where they were. Realizing that they were still inside his friend’s car, he finally concluded that everything was just a _dream_.

“’Seemed like you were having a bad dream, Jeonghan. You got me so worried.”

Relief flooded him, his breathing slowly coming back to normal.

The dream seemed too real – Seungcheol’s rage, his embarrassment, the pain and sadness he felt… Was that how he had always imagined Seungcheol’s reaction would be?

_ It’s too scary…_

“What did you dream of?” Jun asked as he eyed him both with curiosity and concern.

Jeonghan heaved a deep sigh, “I dreamt about Seungcheol. In my dream, he already found out the truth before I even tell him and he was asking for a… _d-divorce_…” he stuttered, the word ‘divorce’ seemingly became too hard for him to speak.

Jun shook his head sympathetically. “Paranoia really got you, angel. Remember, whatever happens, you’re already making a progress about winning his heart—”

“But can we really have our happily ever after?” he asked, like a child asking his parent for an assurance that the needle from a syringe doesn’t hurt too much.

“Well, I really don’t believe in happily ever after because it’s just made for fairy tales, to make children believe in something good,” Jun chuckled nervously, then kept a straight face on as he caught Jeonghan’s eyes. “But to calm you down, _yes_, I believe that you and Seungcheol are really meant for each other, honest. Nothing’s impossible, Jeonghan. Improbable and unlikely, but never impossible,” Jun meaningfully said, eyes showing utmost sincerity. If he was just saying that because he’s his best friend and that’s what he wanted to hear, then he succeeded in making him relaxed.

“Thank you so much, Jun—” His eyes caught the luminous signage of the restaurant.

_ “S-Seungcheol!”_ he gasped, rather hysterically. “What time is it?”

Jun smirked, “Six minutes before seven. Just in time, angel.”

***

_ Will he come? _Seungcheol asked himself for the ninety-seventh time.

_ Or did he change his mind? _

He shook his head violently.

_ Ah, I think I’m going crazy for talking with myself!_

He checked his phone for any message from Jeonghan, but all that he read were messages from his secretary informing him about the new batches of meetings he had in line for the next two days. Sighing anxiously, he turned off his phone and decided to take one last look of everything he had prepared. When his eyes were contented, he straightened his back on the chair and took a quick glance at his wrist watch.

Eleven minutes before seven in the evening.

He wanted to dial Jeonghan’s phone number and call him, ask him where was he, or was he on his way. But if he did that, wouldn’t that be as good as an admission that he’s afraid he’d get stood up by his own wife, on their very first date?

That’s uncool and embarrassing. And very unlikely of him. He’s a man of confidence, everything he risked for shall be made with confidence. That’s how businessmen work.

Sighing deeply, he decided to just relax and wait patiently. Not too long after that, he felt a presence beside him. “Sir, I think the car you told us about were already parked outside,” the head waiter informed.

A tiny smile made its way on his lips, “Thank you. Please make a final check on everything now.”

The head waiter bowed and did as he was told. He could hear the small ruckus the staff were making as they did their final check, but he didn’t mind them at all. His fingers were busily drumming on the table, chest filled with anticipation and excitement.

_ What are you, a teenager on his first date?_ A part of him teased.

_ Oh, shut up._

For what felt like eternity, he finally heard the staff’s enthusiastic greetings of ‘Good evening! Welcome to Jeongsik Dang, Sir!’, ‘Wow! You look so handsome, Sir!’, and ‘This way, please!’

Seungcheol made a mental note to remind them to be a little quiet the next time he booked their restaurant.

_ The next time?_

But he didn’t had the time to think over when he finally heard a very familiar voice.

“H-Hi, I hope you have not been waiting too long.”

He immediately looked up, and how he wished he had prepared himself on what he saw. He was star struck.

Now styled with a shorter bob-cut hair, in his eyes, his wife suddenly looked… _refreshing_.

He’d admit, he never cared less about how Jeonghan looked before. His temper rises whenever he sees him, so he couldn’t help but to splutter hurtful words whenever the younger tried to speak to him. For him, whatever kindness the pretty male showed, Jeonghan had already destroyed him and his future. And what angered him the most was the look of guilt in the other’s eyes whenever he chanced upon meeting his gaze. He thought that that look was an admission that he actually liked the marriage and that he didn’t even try to stop it despite of his pleas.

He never tried to appreciate his appearance, whether he looked pretty dolled-up or not, his eyes just would never stay staring too long at his face. Because whenever he did, the painful truth that he could not marry the girl he loved would always pop up in his mind. And not just that, he was also afraid that if he stared long enough at the pretty male, he would forget that he hated him. He didn’t want to be enticed by his beauty. He didn’t want to appreciate him.

Except maybe for that very one time when they first met…

“S-Seungcheol?”

His trip down to memory lane came into a halt and immediately snapped back to reality.

“Oh,” He smiled and stood up, pulling the chair in front of him and gestured Jeonghan to sit. “Don’t worry, you’re just in time, wife.”

Jeonghan beamed and his face glowed; and for a while, just for a while, beyond his control or understanding, Seungcheol thought his heart did an amazing somersault.

Jeonghan was wearing a two-buttoned red blazer jacket which hugged his slender body perfectly. Under it was a simple, white V-neck shirt. It was nothing spectacular, but the way Jeonghan carried the outfit with class and grace made him look extra ravishing in his eyes.

But Seungcheol realized, even if the other was clothed in a very masculine way that night, Jeonghan still looked fragile and very delicate. It must be because of his eyes. They were in between somber and sparkling—perfectly matched with his beautiful face. And it just felt so, so right to put on a sign board onto his forehead and scribble, _‘Handle with care’_.

He shook his head gently.

What’s happening with him? What was he thinking? That was so cheesy. Cringe-worthy. He was so mesmerized with Jeonghan all of a sudden it somehow scared him.

***

When they were finally settled down, Jeonghan thought he could finally relax, but he was too far from being like it at all. He noticed that Seungcheol had been staring at him, like he was a specimen under a microscope, and it did not make his heart any calmer.

He was so nervous because he couldn’t tell whether the other liked what he was seeing or not. Seungcheol wore an unreadable expression—he was always hard to read. But there was something in his eyes that told him this time, it was different.

“Jeonghan,” his husband called softly, in a tender tone of a voice very different from his usual one. “Uhm, you look… you look different.”

He finally smiled. In his mind he knew the other meant something positive. Finally, his heart was beating in a peaceful rhythm.

“In a good way or bad way?” he confirmed, the corners of his lips twitched lightly.

“In a good way, of course!” Seungcheol answered without hesitation. “You look very charming.”

This time, this time he was a hundred percent sure he saw adoration in his eyes.

Jeonghan smiled. Seungcheol was charmed, wasn’t he?

“T-Thank you. You do, too. You look dashing,” he shyly complimented, feeling his cheeks burn.

Seungcheol chuckled. “Enough of the compliments. I’m glad you came,” he said as he brought up a bouquet of purple, pink, and blue roses from under the table and offered it to him.

Jeonghan’s belly flip-flopped and his heart pounded.

Indeed, this was how it felt to receive a bouquet of flowers from the person you love, huh.

With shaking hands, he gladly took the flowers and thanked him with a smile. He sniffed the beautifully-arranged roses, but instead of the scent of flowers registering in his nose, what he noticed was the state of the restaurant.

With a gasp, he asked, “Y-You rented the whole restaurant?”_ Just for me?_

Seungcheol toothily smiled, his dimple proudly showing. Jeonghan froze as he stared at the heart-warming scene in front of him.

It was the first time that Seungcheol cracked a genuine smile in his presence, not forced, faked, or obliged, and Jeonghan’s heart went overboard—it was thudding crazily like a bass drum. In his eyes, Seungcheol suddenly went from just being plainly handsome to drop-dead-gorgeous-and-perfectly-sculpted-Greek-god-who-walked-down-on-Earth handsome with just a single twist of his gorgeous lips.

If it’s still possible to fall for him even more, then he must be two hundred million miles deeper in love with this man as of the moment.

“I thought we deserve to have the best date tonight, so…”

Seungcheol clapped his hands. A few seconds later, a red curtain which he didn’t notice was there before opened. The lights dimmed and surprisingly, a group of five musicians began to play their instruments - a violinist, harpist, saxophonist, pianist, and their singer. The music they were making were like serenading his ears. They sounded lovely.

"They're the best Quintets out there, and I believe that good music is very important to create the right ambience for our first date, so I just knew I had to hire them," Seungcheol explained. "Well, do you… love it?"

_ I love you!_

"Of course! I love it very much." Jeonghan answered, grinning from ear to ear.

It didn’t take long enough before a group of uniformed waiters and staff went by their table. They arranged a beautiful candlelight dinner and served them mouth-watering dishes which Jeonghan knew just by their appearance and smell tasted very delicious and expensive. In the midst of their dinner and casual talks, a popular chef who Jeonghan didn’t know Seungcheol had a connection with came by and asked them about the foods.

To say that he was surprised by the extent of Seungcheol’s preparation was an understatement. His heart was filled with so much joy he’s afraid that it would burst out in any moment, so in order to contain the wild feelings of happiness and glee, he excused himself while the two were busy chattering.

While walking away, he decided to take a quick glance at Seungcheol’s back figure. His hair, which reached the bottom of his nape, was now longer and stylishly disheveled more than the usual. He remembered while staring at the other’s face when they were eating that Seungcheol’s eyes were barely visible through the gaps of his bangs.

It was so cute, yet so masculine at the same time.

His cheeks flushed. He sounded like a lovesick puppy, didn’t he?

But to tell the truth, Jeonghan’s most favorite part of Seungcheol’s body _(aside from his eyes) _was the back of his neck. The ends of his natural bed hair where the fringes sticks out always fascinated him. They looked… _sexy. _Whenever Seungcheol wasn’t looking, he would always position himself where he could take a peek of his nape and admire how it looked so good.

When they lost against their mothers during their sleepover and Seungcheol had to piggyback ride him, he was so happy they lost because that just meant he could stare at his nape for as long as he wanted and also, sniffing him was a plus.

Yeah, he’s weird that way.

When he finally reached the comfort room, he immediately sprayed his face with the water from the lavatory. Surely he wasn’t just dreaming, right? Everything that happened that night were all real—very far from the dream he had in Jun’s car.

The corners of his lips twisted into a cheerful grin, but then it soon faded as he remembered what he had promised himself: _‘Tell the truth now or you’ll feel miserable all your life’_

He forced a smile to motivate himself.

_ If he got mad, you’ll try to understand because he is hurt. If he hurt you, verbally or physically, it’s because he is more hurt than you are. You will accept his anger, and you will repent to it. You will become better for him, Jeonghan, _he convinced himself.

“Hey, wife,” Seungcheol greeted as soon as he came back to their table. The chef was now gone and they were left alone again. “You were gone too long I was afraid something bad happened to you. I was about to get you, though.”

“Sorry about that. I guess it’s because I ate too much,” he apologized. He couldn’t elaborate even further because that’s the hardest part in lying—it’s very hard to add more details.

Seungcheol nodded. “Uhm, would you like to dance? That is, if it’s okay for you to dance with someone who dances sloppily.”

Seven heart beats passed before they realized they were staring at each other, grinning.

“Wow, is that a warning that I should watch out for my feet?” he joked.

Seungcheol’s cheeks turned pink.

Ah, the almighty Seungcheol could blush!

“Sort of. I really don’t fancy dancing since I was little,” he bravely admitted, his dark brown orbs staring directly into his. The way Seungcheol's dark eyes looked at him had disturbed the equilibrium of his state of mind for a moment.

And instead of getting turned off, Jeonghan found himself admiring the older even more. To admit one of his weaknesses… wasn’t that just adorable? He was now opening himself more to him, and he couldn’t quite believe that time would come.

Filled with glee, he took the initiative to stand up and take the other’s hand.

“Let’s dance, Seungcheol.”


	15. CHAPTER 14 [Your voice is heaven but it hurts; your words are memories but they burn]

Jeonghan smiled as he snuggled closer to the source of the comfortable warmth enveloping him in a hug. With his eyes closed, mind disoriented and half-asleep, he squirmed as he adjusted the position of his head until he finally found the perfect spot which made his smile even wider. He liked the minty cinnamon scent and the comfortable touch of _it_ against his skin. It was warm and nice and relaxing and very, very comfy. He could live forever curled up against it and never complain, he thought.

_ Ah, this feels nice… _

He unconsciously sniffed and buried his face deeper into it, relishing every second of the good feeling.

“Enjoying yourself too much, sleeping beauty? Your drool’s all over my chest,” a teasing voice interrupted the evanescent bliss he’s absorbed into.

Slowly opening his eyes, he was greeted by the most handsome face he had ever laid his eyes on. Sporting on a teasing smile was Seungcheol whose eyes were filled with mischief, like he knew something he shouldn’t. “You were slobbering, wife.”

_ Huh? _

Jeonghan’s face was painted bright pink as Seungcheol’s words finally dawned upon him. It also did not help how close their bodies were, or rather, how _he_ was affectionately curled up against the other. And just as fast as his heart was beating, he swiftly detached himself from the other, wiping the sides of his mouth furiously with his hands in embarrassment. But he froze in bewilderment when his husband’s amused laughter filled the four corners of the room. 

It sounded like a beautiful music in his ears that he felt the urge to get his phone and record every sound of it, make it his ringtone and listen to it every single second of the day to alleviate his mood. He fought the urge to smile.

_ All these crazy emotions only Seungcheol can trigger. Ah… _

He jerked when Seungcheol lightly pinched his cheek, so light he almost did not feel it if not for the natural reaction of his body. “I was just kidding, Han. You weren’t drooling, not even a single drop,” he chortled, wiping the corners of his eyes. Seungcheol’s cheeks were slightly pink when he finally calmed down, but playfulness was still visible in his eyes, though.

“_Argh!_ Seungcheol, y-you’re already teasing me first thing in the morning!” Jeonghan scowled, attempting to show he was pissed, to hide his flustered face. He pulled the duvet covering their nakedness to hide himself. His face felt so hot, and his heart was beating erratically.

“Oh, now you want my naked body exposed, huh? I bet you’re aiming for _another_ round.”

Jeonghan gasped, feeling scandalized at Seungcheol’s vulgar words. 

“Seungcheol!” he cried._ What in the world is happening?!_

A boisterous laughter once again filled the room, but as much as he wanted to hear the other’s melodious and hypnotizing laugh, he couldn’t bear the embarrassment any longer. He was too flustered to even let an inch of his face show up from the shield of the duvet. Although he was wondering why Seungcheol was in a sudden playful mode, his whole being just wanted to stop the other from teasing him any further.

It also did not help how they were both naked, though he’s pretty much sure it’s just a normal thing for a married couple. And that’s the problem, they weren’t just a _normal_ married couple, so waking up lying side by side with nothing underneath was something unusual for him. Because usually, after they did _it_, Seungcheol would automatically tell him to leave his room immediately. So technically, after the sex was over, Jeonghan would normally wake up alone in his own room as if nothing happened.  But the circumstance was different today, plus the fact that Seungcheol’s mischief was causing his system (and his feelings) to go haywire.

He wondered if it was because of their date last night.

_ Last night… _

Memories of the other night whirred back to him. The lustrous moans, the delightful way of being taken… He felt his face turn beet red.

The events that occurred last night was a dream come true. From the foods they ate, the musicians his husband hired, the romantic ambience of the restaurant, the sweet melody from the music that led them to dance…

While they were dancing, something about the touch of their skin against each other sparked an igniting flame within their bodies, and Jeonghan clearly observed that. After the dance, they decided to immediately head home, and they both clearly knew why there was an urgent need to do that. 

A heated kiss sealed their silent understanding of what they wanted to do upon arriving at their room. They touched, groped, and caressed each other while moaning each other’s name, drowned into the heat of the moment. Jeonghan clearly remembered how gentle the other was, yet never making him forget to feel the intensity of his desire, of how much he wanted him. Seungcheol made him feel like he’s the most expensive gem to exist – desired, loved, and taken care of. Every touch that Seungcheol did tickled him in a very arousing and sensual way that he found himself moaning louder than the usual.

Indeed, it was a night filled with passion and he hoped, with love as well. It was almost perfect, if not for the lack of the words he had long been wanting to hear.

People say often that actions are more important than words, but to Jeonghan, if there’s a lack in words then he might just assume, misinterpret, and misunderstand. He needed an assurance because after all, since the beginning of their marriage, he found out—albeit the hard way—that Seungcheol oftentimes acted the opposite of what he was feeling. Those times included the days when Jeonghan fell ill, and although Seungcheol wore an expression as if he wanted to murder him, he would still call the family doctor just to make sure he’s okay. 

Or when Jeonghan thought that Seungcheol was happy whenever he went home because he would smile at him and gave him lustful looks. But it would turn out that he was just drunk and he just wanted his body all night long to appease his sexual needs until they were both too exhausted to get up, especially him. He thought that when they have sex, he would at least finally feel special because Seungcheol seemed to be worshipping every part of his body, but no, he actually felt the exact opposite. Those times made him feel so low of himself, like he was just a prostitute in his husband’s life – only needed to attend to his sexual needs. And then when the other fell asleep, he would murmur his ex-girlfriend’s name and Jeonghan’s heart would break into pieces.

But last night was really different. And special, at least for him it was.

“Hey, what are the _naughty things_ you’re thinking that makes you so red?”

Jeonghan flinched as he didn’t realize that Seungcheol had already pulled the duvet off his face and was already staring at him as he reminisce about the events last night.

“My pervert wife.”

Jeonghan clenched his fists as he frowned and glared at the other. “You—”

But he didn’t manage to finish his words for Seungcheol suddenly enveloped him into a warm embrace. And with their bodies so close to each other, their warm skin brushing against each other, Jeonghan’s heart was thumping crazily he was afraid it was trying to escape from his chest.

He felt the other kiss the top of his head. “I’m sorry, I just like seeing your flustered face. You look cute when you’re in between flustered, pissed, and shy. I couldn’t help myself,” he explained as he buried his face in his hair. Jeonghan’s body quivered because there was a tingling electric sensation that ran throughout the course of his whole body.

“S-Seungcheol…”

“Hmm?”

“Stop sniffing my hair.”

The other chuckled, but didn’t really stop. “I’m sorry. Your hair smells so good. _Hmm._”

Jeonghan’s face scrunched up in disbelief. “Weirdo, I haven’t even taken a bath yet.”

“Oh, are you suggesting we go take a bath together—_aw!_” Seungcheol immediately let go of him and massaged his tummy which Jeonghan nudged with his elbow. 

“Stop teasing me already!” he shrieked, frustrated and face very red. “My fist might just kiss your face in an instant.”

Seungcheol smilingly raised both his hands, “Okay, okay. God, I’m honestly starting to think you’re turning into a _wifezilla_,” he said with a chuckle as he slowly got up from the bed. “I’m just going to take a shower, I’ll be quick.” And off he went.

Watching the other’s retreating back, Jeonghan took a deep breath and let out a long sigh, suddenly feeling so tired, yet so elated at the same time.

_ Calm down, dear heart. You’ve been waiting awfully long for this kind of moment to happen. _

A small smile made its way onto his lips. So this is actually what it feels, huh?

_ And it felt really good, to wake up and find your husband lying next to you, tease each other and just be comfortable that you are around each other… _

A loud beep interrupted his thoughts. He knew it was his phone so he lay down on his stomach and lazily fumbled his hand through the night stand next to the bed and took his phone. He turned the gadget on and saw a text message from Jun.

_ ‘Morning! How’d the date go? Tell me, tell me!’ _

Jeonghan cringed. “Huh, isn’t it too early to disturb me, Jun…” he whispered, but typed a reply nonetheless.

_ ‘Everything’s great! Will call you later, okay?’ _

“Your mom?” 

Jeonghan flinched, almost dropping his phone. He turned his face around and found his husband’s face just a few inches from his, leaning and squinting as if trying to read his conversation with his friend. “Hey, how light are your footsteps that I didn’t even hear you coming?” he hit the other lightly on his chest as he tried to sound mad but he knew he failed big time. There was a smile on his lips that seemed to never fade away starting that day.

“Eh, is it my fault you seemed too engrossed in your phone you didn’t even hear me coming?” the other hissed as he massaged the part of his chest that Jeonghan hit. “Ouch. Your hands must be made of stone.”

Jeonghan pouted, “Stop exaggerating. I didn’t hit you that hard!” _Or did I?_ His chest cramped as he felt a little guilty.

But instead of answering, Seungcheol sat beside him and leaned down. He was leaning so close that he could smell him clearly – soap, aftershave, and sunshine. _The love of my life._

“Say, what if I cook breakfast today, what would you like?”

None of the words clearly registered in Jeonghan’s mind. He was too busy watching the other’s luscious lips as they moved, suddenly remembering how sweet they tasted against his. Suddenly, there was a rising urge to grab the other, have a taste of those lips and indulge himself.

“Earth to Han? Hello?”

He blinked, “W-What?” _Those sinful lips’ fault!_

Seungcheol boyishly smiled, as if he was luring him more to lose control and just indulge himself. “I was asking what you want for breakfast, since I already practiced enough to cook confidently. But it seems like _I_ am the one you want for breakfast with the way you were looking at me,” he said with an eyebrow raised, challenging him to deny.

Jeonghan rolled his eyes. “Wow! Talk about narcissism here,” he sarcastically remarked. “I thought I was seeing a descendant of my best friend.”

Seungcheol heartily laugh. “We’ll have our own descendant in a few months’ time, don’t worry. I hope she’s a girl, and she’d look like you. But whatever gender is fine, I’ll still love our little _Cheol-Han_ no matter what.”

Bam!

How could he forget? He was too absorbed in too much happiness he already forgot what his mission really was. His face turned pale with fright. Can he do it?

“Hey, are you okay?”

He tried to muster a tiny smile. “I-I’m okay. I’m just hungry, I guess. Cook for me? Anything is f-fine.” _Leave first while I muster up enough courage to tell you what had been long overdue already._

From a perfect one hundred, his energy level suddenly died down to a negative.

“Alright! I’ll be back real quick.” Seungcheol beamed and gave him a quick peck on the lips then excitedly left. Jeonghan was left staring at the door where his husband disappeared. With rugged breaths and tightened chest, he decided to make a phone call. He dialled Jun’s number.

After two rings, his friend picked up. “Angel? Hey! I was about to call you!” Jun’s excited voice greeted, but the other’s enthusiasm did not help ease the anxiety he was feeling. “So, what happened? Was it how you imagined it to be… or was it _more_ than that?”

Jeonghan took in and let out a long breath. “It’s perfect.”

There was a squeal on the other line. “Kya! Was it so romantic? A dinner over candle lights and stuff?”

“Y-Yeah, that’s right…”

“Hah, I knew it! I knew there’s at least a tiny romantic bone in your husband’s body. Probably in his ossicles, but at least it’s existing,” Jun chuckled, still failing to notice his discomfort and sullen disposition. “Oh, in case you don’t know, ossicles is the name of the smallest bone in the human body. It is located in our ears and is divided into three parts—”

“Jun,” he interrupted, hand tightening its grip on the phone as tears were starting to well up in his eyes. The other person on the line fell quiet, and if not for the rhythmic breathing he was hearing and the absence of the beeping tone, he would start to believe that the other had already ended the call.

“Yes, Hannie, go on. I’m listening,” the other finally spoke after a few seconds of silence. His voice was not mad or criticizing or anything in between, but was rather encouraging and seemingly promising that no matter what he would confide, he would not judge him.

Jeonghan’s heart lightened a bit.

“Last… last night felt like I was living in a fairy tale dream. Everything was perfect and romantic. The place was beautiful and the musicians were exemplary. Seungcheol was perfect, he was my prince charming and maybe, I was his Cinderella,” he started, a little smile escaped from his quivering lips. “I was Cinderella, because like her I am also a f-fake.” _But unlike her, I’d probably not get my happy ending._

“Jeonghan…”

He wiped the tears that were starting to blind his vision. “I am a fake like her, Jun. She faked being a princess for the ball when in reality, she was just a poor, helpless servant. And here I am, faking my pregnancy because I want my husband to stay with me…” _Hopeless and selfish, I am._

A minute of silence and Jeonghan’s silent weeping passed before the other finally spoke. Jun sighed, “I thought when you said that everything’s perfect, that already included the fact that you already confessed and Seungcheol gave you a positive response, though I also know that the probability of that is just about a fraction of one and a half percent,” he said with a spiritless chuckle. “I’m sorry for being insensitive, angel. Excitement had gotten all over me. What do you plan to do now?”

_ The most obvious thing to do. Be truthful and accept the consequences. _

He heaved a deep sigh. “I’ll do what I should have done a long time ago…”

“I hope it includes telling me the truth instead of deceiving me more than ever, Yoon Jeonghan,” a new voice said dryly.

Jeonghan’s heart slammed against his chest. His whole body felt numb and his hand involuntarily dropped the phone as he sat frozen. He felt all the blood in his face leaving and his whole body felt icy cold he almost believed his tears turned into ice drops. Like a mouse cornered by the cat, Jeonghan was too scared to do anything. One wrong move, just one, could ruin his chances of forgiveness.

Filled with worry and fear plus a racing heartbeat, he slowly lifted his head and there he met the most dangerous stare Seungcheol had ever given him. His expression was blank, but his eyes said everything he had been fearing the most – anger, betrayal, loathe, disappointment, and hurt. _I hurt him…_

Seungcheol took a step closer.

“I can’t believe you can go as far as that, Jeonghan. Isn’t it enough that you trapped me into this marriage? Isn’t it enough for you that I lost my freedom? That I lost the woman I truly love?!” Seungcheol shouted, voice gradually raising in controlled anger, both hands formed into fists. 

Jeonghan bit his lower lip until he tasted his own blood. 

_ After all the good times we’ve spent, it is still her that you love…  _

Why was life so unfair? He’d been married to Seungcheol for a long time now, but his heart was still longing for someone else. He had been beside him for so long, but his heart was still beating for someone else—his ex-girlfriend. An old, familiar ache spread from his chest up to his throat. He swallowed a huge slump in his throat in an attempt to fight off the bitterness.

A few rugged and loud breaths and panting passed before his husband continued in an exasperated tone, “Why do you have to lie to me, to _us_? I thought you’ve changed! I was about to give us a chance—hell no, I was already giving us a chance! You made a fool out of me, and you did that for what, Jeonghan?” Seungcheol slammed his hand on the wall.

Instead of answering, Jeonghan stayed still as he blink away the tears drowning his face. There were so many things that he wanted to tell, too many explanations he wanted to be heard, but his voice seemed rather uncooperative. He just found himself staring at the other’s face, unable to move nor speak. 

_ It’s not the right time for cowardice, Jeonghan! _

Seungcheol eyed him dangerously.

“What now? Cat got your tongue? Or you need more time to think of useless alibis?” Seungcheol asked, obviously just forcing himself to remain calm and not hurt him. His eyes were murderous, like a lion’s which caught sight of its potential prey, but even then, Jeonghan knew the other wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. At least, physically.

Jeonghan sobbed. He couldn’t muster the right words to respond, so he stayed silent still. He knew it was not the wisest thing to do, but the intensity of his husband’s anger plus his guilt and the loud banging of his heartbeat were preventing his mind from thinking of anything coherent to say.

It’s funny and strange that no matter how you dread something to happen, no matter how much you would give just to decelerate the time, it always had a surprising and forceful habit of rapidly coming – a surprise attack he did not wish for. He should have seen it coming, should have been prepared, but he realized that when you were finally confronted and was in the actual situation, all the things you rehearsed and thought carefully would be the hardest things to do and say, and you would just end up wishing for the floor to crack down and break in two and let it take you to its depths – just to avoid the confrontation.

He flinched when he heard a loud bang together with a loud, frustrated shout.

Seungcheol punched the door and his knuckles were bleeding. There was a medium-sized crack on the wooden door which he knew was made from the finest woods, so to have it destroyed by just his husband’s fist… It must have had hurt him so much. 

“S-Seungcheol!”

He immediately stood up and attended to his injured husband. He took his bleeding hand to check, but Seungcheol harshly pulled it back then pushed him, leaving him slumped on the floor, groaning softly as he felt the sharp pain on his elbow that he used to support his fall. But the pain was nothing compared to the pain he was feeling upon seeing the amount of hatred in Seungcheol’s eyes.

Indeed, if eyes could just kill, he’d probably be lying at the morgue already.

“Don’t you dare touch me! You disgust me so much! I hate myself for giving you a chance, for giving _our marriage_ a chance. I should have just continued the way we were before. I should have never trusted you,” Seungcheol hissed, panting in fury. Regret and disgust were obviously written on his face. “You’re a pathetic, scheming bitch I wish I never met. You’re always lying, you manipulative, crazy whore!” he spat.

Jeonghan's heart twisted in a very painful way it almost rendered him breathless. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if Seungcheol just punched him on the stomach instead of hearing those words. The verbal attacks were fine, he understood because he was mad. But the fact that he regretted giving their marriage a chance was a huge blow in his feelings.

Ignoring the sharp pain on his elbow, Jeonghan slowly stood up, determination was written all over his face. _It’s now or never._

“I’m sorry I did not tell you the truth. It wasn’t my intention, believe me,” he started, hoping that the sincerity in his eyes would convey his feelings toward the other. “When everybody thought I am pregnant, I was too speechless to deny because the idea was so beautiful, that I am carrying your child. All of you were so happy that I couldn’t find it in myself to break that happiness. And when you thought I was pregnant, you were so kind to me that I found myself being selfish that I don’t want it to stop—”

“So you are saying it’s my fault?”

“No! No, of course not,” Jeonghan frantically shook his head. “I was just saying that I got carried away by all the good feelings your kindness and concern were giving me. I got so caught up in the moment that even I sometimes wanted to believe that I am indeed pregnant. I was just trying to find the perfect timing to reveal the truth. I also thought that since I’m already in that situation, I might as well use it to change your view about me, to show you my good points, so you can see how important you are to me,” he explained and wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. “I want you by my side, Seungcheol. _I love you_,” he confessed, filled with sincere emotions that he hoped would help him reach his husband. He tried to smile despite of a heavy heart. 

Finally, he finally told him how he truly felt.

Seungcheol smirked, shaking his head in disbelief. “And by deceiving me makes you believe that I’ll stay by your side?” he sarcastically asked. “How can you play with others’ feelings?”

Jeonghan shook his head weakly, his energy and hope suddenly dropping down negative. “N-No… Believe me, there was never a time I did not feel guilty. I’ve always wanted to tell the truth, but I don’t know how and when the perfect timing is. I’m also scared – scared for something like this to happen…”

Seungcheol scoffed.

“Scared of what? Scared to reveal yourself as a liar, when you’ve always made us believe you’re a Mister Goody-Two-Shoes who was too gentle to even hit a fly? Jeonghan, there’s still so many things I don’t know about you. So many _bad_ and _scary_ things about you. You’re so capable of doing things we didn’t expect you can do,” Seungcheol said in a tone of mockery and sarcasm.

Jeonghan bravely met the other’s eyes.

“I-Is me being pregnant the only reason for you to give our relationship a chance?” he asked out of nowhere.

Seungcheol scoffed but averted his eyes. “Of course! What else could it be?”

Jeonghan’s shoulders dropped low. “I’m so sorry…”

“No, I am sorry for _you_, Jeonghan. Who in their right minds would fool the person they love? That just means that you only love yourself. Because if you love me, you would never, ever do things that can hurt me. Besides, what can your sorry make? Will it change the fact that you lied to everyone? To our parents who are so excited for a grandchild? To me who was so ready to start anew with you, because once in my life I thought, _‘Hey, my wife seemed like a good person so I should give him a chance’_ only to prove otherwise? How can I also be assured that what you’re telling me now are all true?”

Jeonghan’s eyes widened. “N-No! Please believe me, this time I am telling the truth—”

“You deceived me. You broke my trust. You’re fake. That fact will never change no matter how many times you’ll apologize. So please, do me a favour and never speak to me again,” Seungcheol said coldly before he turned his back and finally left the room.

The room that witnessed the start of Jeonghan’s agony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest shit I’ve ever written so far (4.2k+ words!) LOL.  
I hope this chapter broke your hearts. *crosses fingers*  
Also, this chapter was mostly written while listening to Say Goodnight by The Click Five, hence the title ^*^


	16. CHAPTER 15 [Tears Are Words The Heart Can’t Express]

Several weeks passed and Jeonghan’s routine remained the same. Waking up early to prepare breakfast that his husband would not even touch, prepare his clothes for work _(which Seungcheol always ended up not using),_ wake the other up _(only to be pushed away),_ greet him and try to have a conversation _(only to look like as if he’s talking to an imaginary friend),_ listen to Seungcheol’s annoyed grunt as he tried to fix his necktie _(only to have his hand swatted away),_ and many more.

It’s as if things went back to how they were before, but only for worse. It was worse because Jeonghan already experienced how it was to be treated special by Seungcheol, so to have him treat him the same way as before… It was just so heart breaking.

But whose fault was it, anyway?

Truthfully, the first two days were the worst for Jeonghan.

After their heated confrontation, Seungcheol took his car and sped away without telling them where he would go. After Seungcheol stormed off from their room, Nanny Park rushed to his aid, curiously asking what happened between them. He told her the truth in between sobbing and apologizing. He thought the nanny would have a hard time understanding him but he was glad the old woman clearly understood his story, albeit oftentimes asking him to repeat some of his explanations.

Jeonghan thought that the elderly would be mad at him, too, because she was one of the victims of his deception. But he was surprised when the nanny started tearing up and apologized, hugging him so tight. He remembered her words clearly, _“I’m so sorry, Jeonghan-ah. I think all of this is my fault, had I not called your friend and told him about my suspicion… I should have just kept it to myself. I’m so sorry for putting you into this situation.”_

Jeonghan couldn’t bear the guilt he saw on the woman’s wrinkly eyes, so he told her it’s not her fault and all the blame should be on him because he did not confirm or deny anything that led anyone to think it’s true.

At least, the old woman clearly showed him that she’d forgiven him. Unlike his and Seungcheol’s parents…

_ “Yoon Jeonghan, how could you do that to us? We were so hopeful, we were so excited to know there’d be a baby coming in a few months’ time…” his mother said, looking hurt and disappointed at the same time, occasionally taking glances over Seungcheol’s parents who were just silently listening, faces devoid of any emotion. Whether they’re shocked or mad, he couldn’t tell._

_ He called his and Seungcheol’s parents, told them to come over their house for he had something important to say. A few hours after the nanny comforted him, she advised to call over their parents and tell them the truth. He thought it was a good idea, so even though he was so afraid and nervous, he mustered up the courage to do what he was advised. It was a good thing that the four elderly were free during that time._

_ “You should have told us the truth from the start,” Mrs. Choi finally spoke, and like his mother, there was also a pained look in her eyes. One could obviously tell that she’s upset._

_ “How did my son react to this?” Mr. Choi asked, cold, piercing eyes directly looking into his that made him swallow a huge lump in his throat._

_ “H-He’s so mad, he drove off somewhere and I-I don’t know when he will come back,” he answered in a tiny voice, bowing his head low. He felt so little of himself, he felt so afraid and unworthy of everything good that his and Seungcheol’s parents had shown. He felt so bad for deceiving them._

If only I could turn back the time… _he thought._

_ “I-I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. I hope you can forgive me…”_

_ But the forgiveness he was asking seemed to be so out of reach at the time. The elderly Chois walked out of their house without any word, not even excusing themselves from his parents. The elderly Yoons, however, stayed a little more without saying anything, only giving him looks as if discerning if he’s on a proper state of mind._

_ His mother exhaled a deep, long sigh. “I don’t know what made you do that, but I know you had your reasons. Your ways are wrong, but you’re my child so whatever wrongful things you do, I’ll try to understand you. But I hope you learned your lesson, alright honey?”_

_ Jeonghan nodded his head and gave his parents a thankful smile. He stood up and sat between them, and the three of them were enveloped in a warm hug._

_ “Little by little, try to earn your in-laws’ forgiveness. I’m sure they’re not mad at you, they’re just disappointed like us. On the other hand, your husband surely is the one who’s hurt the most.”_

_ Jeonghan bit his lip._

_ “I-I don’t know how to earn his forgiveness, Mom, Dad…”_

_ “Everything will be alright, honey. Do the things that you know are right this time.”_

But the right things that his father advised to do were not anything useful. Day by day, his husband seemed to be getting more and more further away from him. He was so near, yet he was so out of reach. He was just beside him, yet he felt so far away. Seungcheol distanced himself from him so good that he sometimes wished that everything was just a dream, that he would wake up one day to find out that everything had just been a product of his imagination and he would find his husband lying next to him, looking at him again as if he’s the most important person in his life.

But sometimes, wishing for something really good for himself became really hard for him to do anymore. Because his heart was filled with guilt, he thought that he didn’t deserve anything good anymore, and all the things he deserved were just pain, pain, and more pain.

***

A week after the revelation, his in-laws finally started talking to him after all the coldness and silent treatment. They said they somehow finally understood why he did it, and that they had already forgiven him. They were sorry, too, because pressuring them to have a baby every time they met might have had an impact on why he had chosen to lie about being pregnant.

Jeonghan opposed, of course. Everything was from his own decision, and no one influenced him to lie except for the selfish part of him that wanted to be closer to his husband, to feel how it was to be taken care of by the person he wished would be there for him until the last second of his breath.

_ Seungcheol…_

He took a deep breath as he leaned over the balcony overlooking the pool area, chin resting on his arms as he watched his husband silently drinking alcohol on the pool side. It was already past twelve o’clock in the morning, and the continuous rain and thunder didn’t help to aid his worry.

His husband had been there for about two hours now, feet soaked in the water and several empty cans of beer on his side, yet there’s no sign that he would be leaving anytime soon. It was freezing at six degrees Celsius, yet Seungcheol seemed not to mind it at all. It had also been raining for a few minutes already, and his husband was already soaked from head to toe.

_ Wasn’t he freezing at all?_ Jeonghan thought, filled with worry.

Deciding it was time for the other to get out of the merciless hands of the cold and rain, Jeonghan swiftly left the balcony and took a thick blanket and umbrellas then headed straight to the pool area.

“Seungcheol?” he carefully called as he placed the umbrella over the other and wrapped the blanket over his shoulders, trying to calculate the other’s mood. But Seungcheol did not move or flinch a little as if he did not recognize his presence at all. He did not even cast him an angry look; he just remained seated and eyes fixated on the crystal-clear water of the pool which was now being tortured by the rain.

“It’s so cold, please get inside. You’re all wet…” Jeonghan tapped the other’s shoulder, offering the other umbrella _(for he knew Seungcheol wouldn’t like to share the same umbrella with him)_, and it was only then that Seungcheol looked at his way. His eyes were blank and his face was devoid of any emotion. His lips were formed into a thin line, and Jeonghan could not read his mind at all.

Jeonghan was shivering, but the coldness of the temperature seemed not to affect his husband at all.

“S-Seungcheol-ah, you might get sick—”

“Does it matter?”

Jeonghan flinched, “W-what?”

There were blinding branches of light that illuminated the sky followed by a loud roar of a thunder. The rain also got heavier and heavier with every minute that passed. Jeonghan shuddered and his lips started to quiver in fear – both from the lightning and the seemingly rising tension from his husband.

The weather was the exact replica of three weeks ago’s monstrosity of a confrontation. Lightning over dark clouds, heavy rain, and thunder could be seen and heard in the background as Seungcheol and Jeonghan converse.

Seungcheol lifted his feet from the pool and stood up, inching closer to him but still left a few distance away. He was already out of the shelter of the umbrella. “Whether I get sick or not, it doesn’t really matter, right? All that matters to you is _yourself_, and how you’ll be happy. A typical spoiled brat you are.”

Jeonghan shook his head, blinking away his tears, ignoring the sharp pain in his chest. “That’s not true! I admit, what I did was so selfish, but I didn’t mean to—”

“Shut up! I don’t want to hear any of your well-thought made-up excuses anymore,” the other said as he eyed him dangerously.

“But Seung—”

“I said shut up!” Seungcheol roared through clenched teeth, hatred was visible in his eyes.

Jeonghan bowed his head low, unable to meet the other’s gaze. He felt too low of himself as he felt a piercing sensation in his heart.

“I don’t want you near me again, okay? Do not touch my things, do not prepare my foods, just… Just disappear from my sight! I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Let’s just get divorced!” Seungcheol shouted and stormed off, leaving him bawling his eyes out and calling his name as he watched the other’s retreating figure.

_ Once again, you just made it worse, Yoon Jeonghan…_

Seconds later, his sobs and cries were mixed with the noise of the rain. His umbrella was already carried away by the wind and was now floating on the pool. His whole body was soaked and wet, but instead of feeling the chills, he’s a hundred percent sure he couldn’t feel anything anymore. It was like Seungcheol’s words had made him numb from the cold and he was instead just filled with pain and hurt.

Sure, Seungcheol wasn’t the best person in the world, he got the worst temper and he sometimes acts without thinking, but for him, no matter how bad the other was, the only person who can make him feel whole and complete was only _him_. It did not matter whether he frequently spits out hurting words, for as long as he still had the chance to be with him, then it’s still okay.

_ “Just disappear from my sight! I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Let’s just get divorced!”_

Jeonghan bit his lip.

Divorce? Was it finally the end of their story?

Why was Seungcheol so cruel… _We can still fix it, right?_

His heart was screaming ‘yes’, but his mind already knew a definite answer.

It’s hopeless.

He’s hopeless.

Their marriage was hopeless and was now falling apart.

When he felt all the strength in his feet go away, he stumbled to the ground with a loud thud, not minding the pain from the fall. He looked up to the dark sky, as if looking for something but didn’t know what exactly it was. His tears were drowned together with the rain.

Just then, a realization suddenly dawned upon him.

He realized that in this cruel world, there was something which cannot be forced. Fate or destiny, regardless of how hard you try to steal a certain fate, you wouldn’t be able to fully have a grasp on it. And even if you managed to grab a hold of it, it just wouldn’t stay the way you want it to be. If you dared to want a fate which does not originally belong to you, you will get punished, you will get hurt. In other words, you will not get what you want even if you worked hard for it.

If it didn’t originally belong to you, it will just be lent to you for a short time, but you cannot have it forever.

Just like his fate with Seungcheol. He wasn’t originally his in the first place, because he belonged to Hyelim. But he intervened with their relationship, and now he’s being punished. No matter how much he had worked up to save their marriage, his efforts were just a waste. He cannot fully have Seungcheol.

They were not destined together, he finally admitted.

_ Should_ _I_ _set_ _you_ free... _or_ _should_ _I_ _still_ _hold_ _on?_

_ Should I still claim that you're destined for me, or should I just accept that we're not meant to be?_

_ Should I just give up this love and let you be with Hyelim again?_

_ God, please just give me a clear sign, and no matter how hard the decision would be, I'll do it. If it's Your will, I'm not going to go against it..._

Because according to a song, 'sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY! This chapter lacks in so many ways.. but I need to publish this already or else I wouldn't be able to write the next remaining chapters. I need to start a new chapter so I just decided to finish this (as it is since I already finished this 2 months ago and no matter how long I stare at this, I just cannot add more words or even polish it so I just decided to publish this as it is).


	17. CHAPTER 16 [A Bad Beginning Always Ends in a Bad Ending]

****

Exactly two months passed and nothing really changed between Jeonghan and Seungcheol’s relationship. Jeonghan could not even get a simple nod from the other, or even a short glance to acknowledge his presence. The only consolation he got was his husband not bringing up the topic about their divorce again. It seemed like Seungcheol only blurted it out out of drunkenness then completely forgot about it when he’s already sober.

What lifted his spirits up _(just a little)_ were their parents who were obviously trying to help them patch things up, which meant that they still liked him for Seungcheol. But their efforts always ended up with the other leaving them with an angry remark which was always redirected to him.

To be honest, he was starting to get mad, too.

To Seungcheol.

To himself.

To his wrong decision.

And to the situation.

He cried, he begged, he tried to explain and apologize – but Seungcheol seemed to turn deaf when it came to him. None of his words were heard, and as much as he wanted to stop trying because of the emotional torture it was giving him, he just _couldn’t_. He can’t, because it was so important for him for Seungcheol to hear him and believe his words because in his heart and mind, he knew that if he just kept on trying harder, Seungcheol will finally listen to him.

He wanted the older to believe in him for once and for all. Not until the day that Seungcheol hands him a divorce paper will he give up. He still had a chance, and he would take it. A heart that loves never loses hope, and as long as there’s enough love in his heart, he’d still continue to hope for a better future for them.

But sometimes, he thought that Seungcheol was just… _too much._

Was it really his fault that people presumed he was pregnant? He did not deny, but he did not confirm it, either. _They just assumed._ People always assume with their eyes more than their ears. The confirmation that he was pregnant did not really come from his mouth, did it? So why was he so, so, so mad at him? Seungcheol always assumes the worst in him! Didn’t Seungcheol know that he was hurt in the deepest part of his heart, too, knowing that he could only be kind to him only because he knew he was carrying his baby? So what if that abominable situation did not happen and he still didn’t bear a child for the rest of their marriage, would that mean that Seungcheol would never be kind to him?

Did it ever cross his mind that he had feelings, too?

Why was it that during the first few months of their marriage, when Seungcheol oftentimes went home smelling like a woman’s perfume with lipstick stains on his shirt and all, not once did he confront him about it? More than lying, more than deception, the case of adultery was much, much worse, right? Goofing around with different women as if there was no Jeonghan he married waiting for him at home… Fooling around with women as if he was single! And not an ounce of effort to be discreet about it. Yet, Seungcheol did not receive any hurtful words from him. That’s so unfair, right?

Sometimes, he felt as if Seungcheol was doing it on purpose – to hurt him and make him feel bad about himself. He endured everything, and not once did he confront him about it. He acted as if he didn’t see it, didn’t notice it. He acted as if he didn’t care, but the truth was, an immeasurable pain always enveloped his heart every time. He was able to hide the pain, but it didn’t really mean that he was able to forget it. It was always there to haunt him, to taunt him about that fact that Seungcheol would never go willingly to him.

His jaw set and his lips formed a thin line.

_Argh!_

He irritably shook his head and tried to discourage the negative feelings and thoughts arising from his head. It would not help his situation if he got mad, too.

_So frustrating!_

Oh. _Oh._ He froze. Why was he suddenly so moody? He’s not the type to be easily pissed. Jun labelled him as ‘the guy with unlimited patience and the guy who always sees the beauty in others which was so impossible to see without the use of 120x zoom power’, and now what’s just happening to him?

He sighed as he plopped his body down on the couch with a sigh, looking so restless and pathetic.

Lately, he noticed that the amount of tiredness he felt was doubled no matter how little he worked his body off. He also noticed that only a second after he rested his head on anything, his eyes would automatically close and then he was off to a deep sleep. It was as if no matter how long he slept at night, he still needed more. And more.

_Do I need to go on a healthy vegan diet and exercise? I don’t think I’m that healthy anymore. My stress-eating shall stop now!_

He clicked his tongue.

_I’m super stressed. When will this stress end? And why do I keep talking to myself?_

He rested his head on the couch, eyes drooping in slow motion…

“Jeonghan, there’s a mail for you,” Nanny Park’s voice boomed. “The sender’s name is not written so I guess you have to open it to know who it is from.”

Jeonghan’s eyes automatically opened and his eyebrows furrowed as the nanny handed him a suspicious brown envelope. ‘Suspicious’, because he was not expecting to receive anything, much more a document from an unknown sender. He took the envelope from the old woman who immediately excused herself for she said she still had to finish preparing their lunch. He thanked her as he curiously eyed the mail.

He was about to open the envelope when the telephone beside the couch he was sitting rang. He put the mail aside, deciding it could wait while he answered the telephone.

“Hel—”

“_Hi, angel!_” Jun’s excited greeting almost made his ear lose its function. “Would you want to go on a shopping spree with me? Three of my colleague’s boutique and accessories shops just opened, and I’ve got VIP cards! Isn’t that amazing? I’ll be there in twenty minutes, okay? Bye!” the other continuously said and much to his surprise, he really did hang up.

_Wow, what a weirdo…_

He put the cordless phone back to its place and decided to just indulge his friend’s weird way of asking him to hang out. Besides, when was the last time that he went out of their house? Ever since the day of revelation, he isolated himself from his friends and locked himself inside their home, rejecting every offer from Jun and his other friends to hang out.

Exactly twenty minutes later, a knock on the door stopped him from brushing his chin-length hair for finishing touches. “Jeonghan-ah, Jun is here.”

He gave himself one last look at the mirror. His brows furrowed as his eyes focused on that particular part of his face.

Had his cheeks always been that bloated?

He shook his head and took his wallet and phone from the dresser then left his room.

***

Jeonghan appreciated all of Jun’s efforts to divert his attention. Not once did he ask him about the status of his relationship with Seungcheol, or just mention his husband’s name at all. He also told him that it’d be his treat, so he should choose whatever he wanted because it would only happen to him once. So to tease the other, he picked a lot of the most expensive things in every shop they went into. Jun didn’t seem to mind, after all.

Two hours later, both their arms and hands were filled with shopping bags that Jeonghan couldn’t believe they all bought in just a span of two hours.

“Wow, I can’t feel my arms and legs anymore,” Jun complained, blowing a strand of hair that dared touch his cheek.

He chuckled. “And whose fault is it? We literally went inside every shop this mall had! How many credit cards did you use today, anyway? I can’t believe you paid for mine as well. This isn’t so you,” he teased, a grin was carved on his lips.

Jun pouted as he rolled his eyes. “I’m just being a generous best friend today. You can just say ‘thank you’, you know!”

Jeonghan laughed. “Alright, alright. Thank you so much, Jun! But right now I am starving. Come, it’ll be my treat this time!”

Jun’s face brightened as if the mention of ‘starving’ just made him realize that he was starving himself, too. “Great! I missed eating in that restaurant with the very gorgeous maître d’ who never fails to make my day any brighter,” he said with sparkly eyes and a smile as wide as the Pacific Ocean.

He snorted. “Minghao won’t like it if he heard you saying that.”

“Hah! He’s on the other side of the world, he wouldn’t care less.”

Jeonghan decided not to press any further and just started walking towards the fine-dining restaurant that he and Jun frequently visits.

***

While waiting for their foods to be served, Jeonghan noticed a pair of newcomers who were walking close to each other, so close that they could almost be molded as one. Only their backs were visible from his vision, and their tables weren’t noticeable from the newcomers. There was a nervous tug in his heart, the familiarity from the pair made his hands and whole body feel icy cold.

He could easily identify the guy, no matter what he wore or what he was doing, but the woman he was with…

He closed his eyes to try to remember that face, the very same face he only saw for a few times, yet he was dreading to see. When he opened his eyes, the woman was now facing his direction without really seeing him. And right there and then, his gut feeling was confirmed.

He felt all the blood in his face leave.

_God, is this the answer to the sign I was asking you? Wow, you answered so fast…_

“Angel? Are you okay? You’re so pale,” Jun asked, eyes filled with concern.

Jeonghan’s eyes started to water. “J-Jun…” he murmured without averting his gaze from the pair.

He felt like he was slapped by reality, and what’s worse was he wasn’t able to dodge it. He felt Jun’s grip on his arm. With a tear-stricken face, he looked into him and saw anger in his eyes as he glared at the direction he was looking just a while ago. His eyes clearly showed anger, unlike his who were obviously painted with hurt.

“L-Let’s go, Jun…”

His friend’s eyes turned hard and cold, and his lips formed a thin line, all the playfulness in his face was gone and all he could see through his eyes were just anger and sympathy. Jun clenched his fists so tight before he took his wallet and left a plenty amount of cash on the table before he gathered all their shopping bags and stood up.

“Let’s go,” Jun said with repressed anger bordering on hatred as he started walking away.

To be honest, Jeonghan would have been scared if he saw his friend’s angry face if they were on a different situation. But since it was all about him, his focus was all on the pair sitting across from them, looking so happy together, not even aware of the other people in their surroundings. Jeonghan followed, and with his head hung as low as possible, they walked quietly without attracting the attention of the customers, especially Seungcheol’s and Hyelim’s.

Yes, his husband was with Hyelim, his first love and his true love. The woman he snatched his husband away from. He couldn’t mistake that face from anyone else, for it was the face that he longed wish not to see anymore. The guilt in his heart doubled. He was the one who had stolen her fiancé away.

Jeonghan found themselves seated inside Jun’s car, both of them were enveloped in a tension-filled silence. His tear ducts were working efficiently, for they had been spilling tears non-stop since they left the restaurant. Jun had not said a word, and he was thankful for it. Even if he had not told him who the woman was, he knew that his friend already knew. His reaction to the scene gave it away. He wouldn’t have cried that much if she was just an ordinary woman, an ordinary fling.

He didn’t really care much about other women; he’d just be hurt for a while, but then it’ll pass when it’s over. But the woman he was with then was Hyelim, the woman that Seungcheol truly loved and almost married. He felt so hurt. And jealous, too. There was also guilt, because no matter how he’d justify his reasons for marrying Seungcheol, no matter if marrying him was the best option at that time, the fact that he took him away from her still remained. He ruined their almost perfect relationship.

Seungcheol was never his, and would never be his.

And that’s what hurt the most, because he couldn’t really claim him as _exclusively his._ Their marriage was only bounded by a piece of paper; there was no love between them. His love was not enough, because when it comes to love, it should be reciprocal, both party must be loving each other. In his case, it was only him.

He only had Seungcheol’s name, but his heart and mind still belonged to his ex-fiancée. He can never replace her in his heart.

And the scene just a while ago proved it true.

Were they back together again? How long have they started seeing each other again?

He felt his heart be stabbed by millions of knives. He closed his eyes as his sobs become louder. He felt a hand on his shoulder as if pacifying him, but no amount of sympathy can calm him down. Jun offered him a box of tissue which he gladly accepted.

“S-She’s Hyelim…” he informed his friend after a few minutes of weeping. He decided he must start talking. “S-She’s—”

“The _ex_,” Jun finished, gone was the anger clouding his eyes. They were now filled with sympathy and sadness. Sadness for his situation, maybe. He heard him click his tongue. “So he started seeing her now, huh. Or had they been meeting for a long time now already? Wow, your husband is such an idiot. A two-timing jerk! An unfaithful scumbag!”

Jeonghan was surprised when Jun suddenly held his cheeks and made him look at him. “Listen, angel. I know you love that son of a bitch so much, but can this please be a wakeup call to you? He’ll never change! He will always be a bastard. You’ve done so much for him, don’t you think? You did your best to save your marriage, but if Seungcheol won’t ever cooperate, doesn’t it just make sense if you give up?” There was annoyance and frustration building up in his friend’s voice.

His eyebrows furrowed. “Are you… are you suggesting we… we separate?”

Jun nodded slowly.

_No!_ “B-But—”

“Listen, you are not the kind of person to be treated like a trash. You’re the brother I never had, and seeing you being played at by that creature you fondly call your _husband_, I don’t think it’s right. You should be treated right, and no matter how you often make mistakes, Seungcheol has no right to do this to you!” Jeonghan wanted to feel touched by his friend’s words, but he couldn’t because of the anger he saw in his eyes. Anger for Seungcheol or for his martyrdom, he didn’t know.

“Stop this martyrdom before you crumble down and be crushed with no dignity left behind. If Seungcheol couldn’t see your worth, then I guess it’s high time you start to find someone else who can see how worthy you are, someone who can offer you the stars and the moon.”

“It’s not that easy!” he snapped. Didn’t Jun know how much he loved Seungcheol? He already endured too much, should he just give up that easily? Sure, he was so hurt by seeing his husband and Hyelim together again, but the thought of them separating was too much…

_“God, please just give me a clear sign, and no matter how hard the decision would be, I'll do it. If it's Your will, I'm not going to go against it...”_

He stilled. _The sign. _Confusion and hurt was written all over his face. How could he forget? He was being selfish again. He was always selfish when it came to Seungcheol.

“Jeonghan?”

He wiped the tears from his eyes and in the coldest, possible voice he could muster, he said, “Please take me home, Jun. I need to think.”

***

Seungcheol was still not at home when Jeonghan came back. He’s thinking that the earliest he’d come home would be by midnight, and that was perfectly fine with him. He could think things over without his husband affecting his decisions, because he knew if he saw his face, even just a glimpse of it, he might just not make the best decision. He would always come back crawling to him, and he knew it wasn’t good.

He plopped down on the couch, feeling his weariness was already beyond physical. His eyes were already too sore to continue crying. His mind was already too tired to think of all the possible scenarios to come. His heart was already too exhausted to feel anything.

Would letting Seungcheol go be the best option? If he let him go, Seungcheol would finally be free from him. He could marry the woman he wanted to marry. He would be happy. He wouldn’t be trapped in a loveless marriage anymore.

How about if he stayed with him? Of course, Seungcheol would continue to suffer. He’d have to endure the rest of his life living with the man he never loved. He’d be miserable all his life. And all of it were applicable to him, too, except for the second.

_“W-What? Marriage with S-Seungcheol?” Jeonghan asked, shocked and confused. “Is this a joke, Mrs. Choi?” He looked at his mother for her reaction, hoping to find the same shocked face he had, but she smiled at him without saying a word. It’s as if she was already briefed about it beforehand._

_The elder woman chuckled, but then her face turned serious as she spoke, “Yes, Jeonghan. A marriage with my son. I believe you are the perfect person for my son.”_

_His forehead creased, still torn between believing she was serious or she was just out of her mind. “Why me? And most importantly, _why_? I know your son is in a serious relationship now, so I don’t get why I have to marry him.”_

Idiot! You should’ve just grabbed the chance immediately!

_“Only you can help us, Jeonghan,” Mr. Choi finally spoke. There was sadness in his voice that made Jeonghan uncomfortable. “Your marriage with my son would be the easiest to explain when it happens.”_

_“I don’t get it at all. I’m sorry, but can you please explain further?” There was demand in his voice._

_Mrs. Choi sighed, then held one of his hands as she looked at him in the eyes. “Hyelim, Seungcheol’s fiancée, aborted their baby without my son’s consent. She aborted their baby without even letting my son know that she’s carrying their baby.”_

_Jeonghan’s eyes doubled its size. He felt an unimaginable fury rising up in his heart. “What? That’s absurd!” How dare her kill an innocent baby?_

_The guests nodded their heads. “Yes, really. That’s why we wanted to break them apart, and take that murderer bitch away from my son. I can’t imagine her being our daughter-in-law!” Mrs. Choi’s composure was gone and her eyes was suddenly filled with sadness and anger. _

_“But how did you… how did you know that she was pregnant and that she aborted the baby? Seungcheol didn’t know about it, so how did you…?”_

_“Unbeknownst to everybody, I hired a person to follow that girl everywhere since the start of their relationship. As a mother, I already sensed that there’s something odd about that woman, I just couldn’t pinpoint what it was. I did not object to their relationship, but I am not approved of it, either. And my hunch is right, that girl is bad for my son. Two weeks ago, she went to a clinic to have her baby aborted,” there was bitterness and anger in her voice that Jeonghan knew just a little bit more and he’d finally be swayed. It doesn’t take one to know that even if she didn’t like Hyelim, the baby that she carried with her already had a spot in the older woman’s heart. It was just sad that it had to be aborted._

_“Since our companies are related with each other, having you both married for the sake of our companies’ merging will be the easiest to explain and understand. Since you’re both the only inheritors of both company, of course it will automatically be the two of you.”_

He smiled bitterly at the memory of how he got into that situation. To be honest, he thought he did just the right thing to prevent Seungcheol to be with the wrong person. But thinking it over now, wasn’t it him who should be labelled as the ‘wrong person’? Sure, their parents thought that he’s the best person to his husband, but did Seungcheol ever think the same? Because if he did, why were the two back together again? They found their way back into each other’s arms again.

He closed his eyes and rested both his arms on his side. He was lazily blowing the strands of hair that went onto his nose when his left arm brushed something against a hard thing, making his eyes open to take a peek on it.

There he saw the envelope that he received before he went out and completely forgot. With slow, lazy movements, he slowly opened the document and started reading.

**PETITION FOR DIVORCE/ANNULMENT: GENERAL INFORMATION…**

His hands started shaking so he decided to set aside the papers. His breath quickened as he felt his lungs being suffocated. It was getting harder and harder to breathe with every second that passed.

For the record, was that the second sign he was asking about? First was when he saw his husband and his ex-fiancée together again, looking so sweet and all. And now, the divorce papers.

He laughed bitterly.

Of course, it just made sense that the divorce papers should come because Hyelim was already back in his arms. How stupid of him not to foresee it coming so soon? Was he really hoping for a second chance for them, when Seungcheol’s anger for him was already tripled, no, quadrupled?

He’s pathetic for thinking they could still save their marriage. It was already decided long time ago. Seungcheol could never, and would never, ever love him.


	18. CHAPTER 17 [The Best Things Can Be a Product of Misfortunes]

** _Seven years later…_ **

**Boston, Massachusetts, USA**

“Wonwoo, what did you do to your sister? She’s crying,” Jeonghan asked in a gentle tone as he knelt down to meet the child’s eyes. “Did you fight?” _Again?_

Wonwoo’s lips quivered. “I-It’s her fault! She destroyed my lego car! It’s so hard to build,” he answered and began sobbing. Jeonghan clicked his tongue. He was torn in between pissed and amused, but maybe he should just focus on the latter feeling. They’re just kids, so everything’s a big deal to them. He turned his attention to the other kid who was still crying and wiping the tears from her tiny eyes.

“I didn’t m-mean it, appa. I tripped and fell on his l-lego car. Then he shouted at me. H-He… he told me I’m bad!” Then she started wailing, too. The silent house was suddenly filled with the two’s cries.

But instead of getting frustrated with all the noise and to the situation, Jeonghan found himself smiling as he inwardly shook his head. Was he like that when he was a kid, too? Too sensitive over small matters? Wow, parenting sure was amazing and frustrating at the same time.

“Aigoo, you two. Wonwoo, Seulgi said she did not intend to destroy your toy. She tripped, and as far as I’m concerned, she tripped because of the toys _I_ told you to clean up but _didn’t_.”

Wonwoo and Seulgi simultaneously bowed their heads, guilt was written all over their cute, crying faces.

“I’m _sowwy_…” Wonwoo mumbled after a while, unable to lift his face up.

Jeonghan inwardly smiled triumphantly. “What is it, Wonwoo? Seulgi and I couldn’t hear it.”

This time, his son lifted his face up and bravely met his eyes. “I’m _sowwy_, appa. We did not pick up our toys last night.” Jeonghan nodded his head to acknowledge his apology, then Wonwoo turned his attention to his sister. “I’m _sowwy_, Seulgi. You’re not bad.”

Seulgi’s face brightened and her tears finally stopped. “It’s ok-okay!” she said with a hiccup. “I’m sorry, too, Wonwoo, appa.”

Jeonghan’s smile widened and opened his arms for a hug. “Come here, my little bundles of joy. Hug time!”

When the two lunged into him, Jeonghan showered them with kisses on their cheeks and necks which made the two giggle loudly. Their cries were now replaced with smiles and Jeonghan couldn’t be any happier and content.

_Life became so much better with these two,_ he thought and sighed contentedly.

“What’s happening here, huh? Did I miss something? Did your appa made you cry? Tell me and I’ll make him cry, too!” a new voice suddenly yelled. The three of them lifted their faces to see the newcomer.

“Uncle!” his children shouted in unison, bouncing in excitement and glee.

Jeonghan released his kids and jokingly glared at the newcomer as the twins happily approached their uncle and held their arms up, a sign that they wanted to be carried.

“You’re here again, Jun? I didn’t hear you coming. Don’t you have a house of your own?” he teased. Jun had his own copy of their house’s key even though he didn’t live with them so he could just barge in and out whenever he wanted. That’s really okay with him, since his kids were so fond of him.

Jun swiftly carried the two in both arms. “Whoa, whoa. I think I heard a crack in my rib cage. You both are getting bigger and heavier each day!” he complained with a faked hurt expression on his face.

Wonwoo chuckled and said, “Of course! Appa always feed us fish.”

“And vegetables! And meat!” Seulgi enthusiastically added.

The adults laughed in unison. The two were really energetic and bubbly, a source of positivity for Jeonghan in the years that had passed.

“Only that? No chocolates and ice cream?” The children shook their heads. Jun clicked his tongue. “Too bad, if I were your appa, you can always eat those,” Jun teased while raising an eyebrow on him.

Jeonghan glared at the other. “They don’t need those—”

“But you can be our dad, Uncle Jun! Right, appa? You can marry my appa like our classmates’ parents did!” Seulgi innocently suggested, as if what she said was as easy as tearing a paper.

Both of them coughed and Jun looked at him with disgust. Jeonghan was sure he also had the same expression. “_Ew_, no! Your appa is not my type,” his friend said and jokingly gagged. Jeonghan rolled his eyes and said, “Same sentiment, Jun.”

The children groaned, obviously disappointed and didn’t understand the implication of what they were saying.

“Then make him your type!” Wonwoo suggested, flailing excitedly that almost made him fall from Jun’s arms.

“Whoa, whoa! Easy,” Jeonghan screamed in panic and decided to take him away. “Why are you being like this? Is this because of chocolates and ice cream? Fine, we’ll go to the supermarket later and buy those,” he said in defeat.

The living room was suddenly filled with cheerful claps and shouts, including Jun’s.

Wow, did he suddenly have three kids now? Aside from the twins, Jun was oftentimes acting like a giant, brat kid anyway. The case just now where he provoked him to buy ice creams and chocolates was the proof. He rolled his eyes inwardly. _I raised three brats!_

***

Dinner was served after buying tubs of ice cream of different flavors and chocolates of different sizes from the supermarket. The kids weren’t allowed to eat the sweets before the meal, which made their moods go down. So after they had all eaten, the kids merrily went straight to the fridge and ransacked the items they bought earlier. Jeonghan let them eat as much as they wanted, since he only let them eat sweets once or twice every month.

“Easy, Seulgi. The ice cream won’t go away,” he said with a chuckle as he stopped his daughter from scooping another from the tub. Her bowl was already full, and just another more scoop and it will surely be spilled on the table. The kid apologized and merrily took her bowl to eat on the living room while watching their favorite cartoon show.

“Appa, I want chocolate then vanilla then cheese then _strawbewwy_!” Wonwoo said as it was finally his turn. The kid let him scoop instead of doing it himself, much to Jeonghan’s relief. Wonwoo was a disaster when it comes to serving himself.

“Noted, big guy. Be sure to brush your teeth after eating, all right?”

The kid’s head bounced, eyes still on the ice cream.

Jeonghan smiled as he started scooping.

“Oi, what are you smiling there about,” Jun asked as he slid himself beside Jeonghan. He took a tub of cheese ice cream and started eating from it.

When he was finished scooping, he gave the bowl to Wonwoo’s eager hands who quickly left them as soon as he got the bowl. He laughed as his eyes followed his kid’s retreating figure. “They’re the reason of my every smile, Jun.”

Jun hummed and nodded his head. “Yeah, they’re such an energetic and loveable bunch of little monsters.”

Jeonghan laughed at his friend’s term. “Well, why not make your own ‘little monsters’, then?” he teased. He knew that his friend had been single for years already, and he intended to stay that way – a decision he made when he broke up with Minghao (who, according to him, had broken his heart to bits and never knew how it could be mended). He inwardly rolled his eyes.

“Who should I make it with?” Jun asked sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.

Jeonghan chuckled as a response, taking a bite of ice cream from the spoon.

“On a serious note, angel, will you really… will you really not tell _him_ about the children?”

His face turned grim. “No. What will be the point?”

Jun sighed, raising both his arms in defeat. “Fine, fine. I just asked because when I went back to Seoul, I accidentally saw him and thought that you might want to, you know, tell him the truth. He’s still their father, he has the right to know.”

Jeonghan fell silent. If he were still the old Jeonghan seven years ago, he probably would have broken down already and felt guilty until he found himself back to _him_, apologizing over and over again and beg _him_ to forgive him and acknowledge their kids. But he was different now. He learned his lesson the hard way. He changed, and he thinks it’s for the better.

Jeonghan stared at the other with piercing, cold eyes. “He already lost his right when he handed me the divorce papers,” he said coldly. He hoped his answer would finally dismiss their topic. He’s uncomfortable despite of his cold façade.

It took too much effort not to show any discomfort. His heart was still aching at the mention of _him_ and their _divorce_. It took him years of practice to show everyone that he had moved on. He tried to make his heart as if it’s made of stone, that the only people it can love were his children, parents, and his closest friends. There was no room for _anyone else_. He taught himself to be mad at _him_, to erase all the feelings he invested in his ex-husband. Sometimes he thinks he succeeded, and he wanted to believe that. But seeing his efforts to hide the pain just now, did he really succeed?

Seven years of wallowing in pain was no joke. He lived those years trying so hard to accept the fact that they were never meant to be, that what they had was just a product of a wrong decision. _He_ hurt him the worst just as when he needed _him_ the most. He lived a miserable life after their separation, and it wasn’t until the twins were born that he was able to get his life back.

Now, Jun was asking him if he wanted to let _him_ know about their children’s existence? And then what, Seungcheol would take the children away from him, as what _he_ would obviously do? Judging from _his_ character, that wasn’t impossible.

Seungcheol was a selfish and heartless beast. He proved it to him so many times.

“Seungcheol looked sad, by the way.”

Jeonghan lifted his face, absorbing the words his friend said then forced a laugh. “Sad? Maybe he had a fight with Hyelim,” he sarcastically remarked.

Jun shook his head. “No. The kind of sadness that one has been living with for so long,” he tried to catch his eyes, and when he did, he added, “the kind of sadness that mirrors yours, no matter how hard you try to hide it.”

Jeonghan was at loss for words. His friend hit the jackpot.

He sighed as he realized he couldn’t really hide anything from his best friend. And Jun, being the opinionated guy he was, simply won’t stop with just that, so he continued, “What you’ve been through was the worst experience a man in love could ever experience. I can always hear your cries even though I don’t see any tears. Despite of your happy façade, I can always feel your pain. Angel, I want you to be happy. And I want you to know that I think, Seungcheol was affected, too, when you separated and—”

“Maybe you’re just imagining things. How can he be sad? I already gave him the opportunity to be happy when I signed those papers. I was his source of sadness back then, but I already left him. I’m already away from him. You just saw him at the wrong time, perhaps,” he said with controlled annoyance.

“Hmm… Yeah, I think you’re right. You’re the source of his sadness,” Jun spoke after a while. His words stabbed his heart as if they were made of knives. He knew it by heart, that once upon a time, he was someone’s source of sadness.

“Then and _now_,” his friend added in a low voice.

Jeonghan fell silent.

There was a fire of anger and disbelief burning up inside him. How can Jun insinuate that Seungcheol was negatively affected by their divorce? That _he_ became sad because of him? For goodness’ sake, he’s so fed up being _his_ source of sadness and misery! What Jun was implying was just so impossible, considering the fact that Seungcheol had never wanted to do anything with him in the first place. He made that clear from the very start, and until their very end.

And he made sure to remember that until his very last breath. A harsh reminder of how foolish and stupid he was seven years ago. That once upon a time, he became the stupid guy he never dreamed to be, but still became.

“Jun,” he called.

“Yeah?”

He took a deep breath. “You must keep two secrets for me. First was when I became pregnant seven years ago, and that Seulgi and Wonwoo are his children,” there was desperation and plea in his voice.

Jun seemed to understand what he was feeling, so he nodded his head quietly and promised to keep his mouth shut. It made him exhale a breath of relief. _Somehow._

***

It was already bed time and Jeonghan was tucking the twins to bed. He had already finished reading them a book, which was Pinocchio as what Wonwoo had suggested. The kid said that he’s already tired of hearing the love stories of Seulgi’s favorite characters, so this time, he must be the one to choose. Seulgi did not contest to that, she probably realized it was time for his little brother’s request.

Jeonghan was so proud of the two. They know how to share and they took care of each other so much. Seulgi was older than Wonwoo for six minutes, and the latter described her as the best older sister in the world. Yes, the two sometimes fight for the tiniest of things, but the two knew how to apologize once they realized who’s wrong. Jeonghan made sure that they would grow up the same way he was brought up – kind, compassionate, respectful, and obedient. He also taught them the importance of honesty and integrity, for both traits were what would define them when they grew up.

They were already attending daycare, and next year, it would finally be the official start of their formal education. He was already seeing the potential between the two. They were both eager to learn new things and wouldn’t stop until they’ve learned enough. They had a very bright future ahead of them.

“Appa?” Wonwoo muttered, waking him up from his trance. He was positioned beside him, while Seulgi was on his other side, both their eyes were on him.

“Yes, baby?”

“You just told us that our daddy is far, far away. But can you _pwease_ tell us something about him?”

“Yeah! I want to know, too.” Seulgi backed-up.

Jeonghan froze. It was the first time after so many years that the twins asked about their dad. The first was when they saw their playmates’ complete set of parents, asking him why they only had one. He panicked so he absentmindedly told them he was so far out of reach. It was only then that he realized he should’ve told them that _he’s_ dead, so everything would be easier.

He sighed, “Why do you suddenly want to know?” he asked in a low voice.

“Yesterday, Justin told me his dad went home from the _navel_—”

“_Navy!_ He said it’s ‘navy’!” Seulgi corrected. Jeonghan stippled a laugh despite of the heavy feeling in his heart.

“—_navy_, and they went out to the park to play and play and play. I want to know what daddy’s job is? What is he like, appa? Doesn’t he want to see us? He doesn’t love us, appa?” Wonwoo asked, tears were starting to well up in his tiny eyes. He looked at Seulgi and she was tearing up, too.

Jeonghan felt guilty for the kids. And angry at himself, too. He didn’t want to deceive them, but what choice did he have? _I should’ve just told them that their father is dead! Stupid, Jeonghan, stupid!_

He caged the two in his arms for a hug. “Hush, my babies. Y-Your father really liked to see you, but he had to be so, so far away so when you he came back, he can give you lots and lots of toys,” he coaxed. He hoped it would suffice.

“We don’t want toys. We want daddy,” Seulgi said with a pout.

“Do you love daddy, appa?” Wonwoo asked which made Jeonghan freeze. Was he reading them a lot of fairy tale stories that their questions were starting to sound like they came from an adult already? They were just turning six years old in four months’ time, for goodness’ sake!

He knew he should just ignore their questions, but he also knew that the more he avoided their interrogation, the more persistent they will become in the next days to come.

He sighed for the nth time. “When I saw your dad for the first time and realized that I love him, I promised myself that he’s going to be my husband,” he told them. He saw curiosity in their eyes and knew that sleep was so far away from their minds.

_It’ll be a long night for you, Yoon Jeonghan._

“Did he become your husband, then?” Seulgi asked, a little bit enthusiastic because she’s the type of kid who was so fond of fairy tale books and happily ever after.

Jeonghan hesitantly nodded, “Y-Yeah.”

Wonwoo’s face scrunched as if he didn’t understand what he responded. “What happened then? We haven’t seen him since we were babies! Justin’s nanny told me that married people are always together. Isn’t that right, appa?”

Jeonghan’s lips sealed into a thin line as he thought of the explanation that he thinks the twins would understand easier. “Let’s just say that not all your wishes that came true were really meant for you. Sometimes, when you wish desperately enough, it will come true, only because God was so tired of hearing your wish over and over again that he got so pissed so he just granted your wish to make you stop,” he paused to look at their reaction. When he saw that they were getting what he meant, he continued, “And because it wasn’t really meant for you in the first place, that wish won’t last for long. It had to end, because it was just lent to you for a short period of time.”

The twins fell quiet as they absorb all the words he said. Jeonghan chuckled as he fondly ruffled the twins’ hair. “Hmm. You’re too young to understand.”

Seulgi frowned. “But will we be able to see daddy soon, appa?”

_I wish you won’t,_ Jeonghan wanted to say.

“I don’t know, baby. I don’t even know if he will…” _Acknowledge you,_ is what he wanted to say but opted not to. It’d definitely hurt their feelings. And his own, too, no matter how much he’d deny. “I-If he will finally have the time to visit us.”

“Maybe soon! I know it will be soon because Seulgi and I are always praying to God at night. Goodnight, appa! I love you!” Wonwoo said as he kissed his cheek with a loud sound. Seulgi did the same, and a few minutes later he was already on his way to his own room.

He lay on his bed, pondering about his twins and their curiosity towards their father.

Obviously, he raised a bunch of intelligent kids.

Surely, they’d realize anytime soon that fathers don’t go far away without contacting their family for years.

Soon, they’ll be asking more and more questions that he knew one day he wouldn’t be able to answer. He hoped that day wouldn’t come.

He closed his eyes, not to drift off to sleep but to be alone with his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's a huge leap on the timeline, and some of you wouldn't like it. But this was already my plan beforehand, when I started this fic and settled on mpreg. Some of you wanted to see Cheol suffer while knowing about Hannie's pregnancy... I thought about it and realized there will be a lot of loopholes if I pursue it, so... I just stick with my plan :D I’m so sorry to disappoint!
> 
> Oh, and Wonwoo has always been JeongCheol's kid in my heart since I started shipping them. And the idea of giving them twins is kinda cute, hence Seulgi. I hope you don't mind ^*^
> 
> (P.S. I don't know how the 6-year old kid's mind works, but when my niece was of that age, she was that talkative and curious, too! LOL)


	19. CHAPTER 18 [Sadness is Tragic, Yet Beautiful]

Seungcheol woke up with a burning sensation on his head. It felt like it was being ripped into two, sans anesthesia and double the pain. He groaned as he cupped his forehead and gently massaged his temples. It didn’t lessen the pain, but at least it gave him temporary relief.

How many cans of beer did he chug down last night? Nine? Ten? Eleven? Twelve? Ah, he already lost count. He just remembered passing out, barely making it onto the couch of the living room then everything went solidly blank.

He sighed, feeling so tired and tormented. Whatever happened to him in the years that passed by, he could only summarize them in three separate words: monotonous, dull, and melancholy.

His routine had always been the same – wake up _with_ or _without_ hangover, go to work and overwork himself, go home, think and drink until he drops unconscious, and then the cycle continues. His monochromatic view of life just consisted of being able to live – to exist, but without a purpose. He’s lacking a purpose in life that’s definite, and the one that makes him fulfilled. It’s as if he breathes just so he could show the world that he’s alive, but inside, he knew he was barely breathing.

He felt empty. Dead empty.

Despite of all the wealth, respect, and recognition, he felt so alone and sad.

He smiled grimly.

At thirty-three, most guys of his age already found and claimed the _thing_ that most people would be envious of: a family of their own, consisting of a lifetime partner and children. A home filled with children’s laughter and a wife that would put a smile on his lips every time he went home…

He almost had it before. 

Almost.

His eyes searched the house for nothing in particular, and he breathed deeply as the solemn feeling just grew further. The house was too big with just him alone, excluding Nanny Park and a few house maids. He should have been accustomed living alone by now, but everywhere his eyes went, all he could think of was how happy must it be if he had someone by his side. His chest tightened as an image of a blurry, yet very beautiful person, started to occupy his mind. And before it could even be any clearer, he closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath, which was just rendered useless because the emptiness in his heart just started to spread all over him.

“Good morning! You’re finally awake,” a woman’s voice greeted which made him open his eyes in an instant. His eyes were greeted by a wrinkly, smiling face of the woman who was almost like a second mother to him.

“Good morning, too, Nanny,” he forced a smile _(that he knew ended up looking as a cringe)_ despite of the hammering pain in his head.

The old woman nodded. “There’s soup in the kitchen. Warm up your stomach before going to work, okay?”

Seungcheol simply nodded his head. He thought the older would finally leave him, but she remained in her place so he looked up to her and found her staring at him as if he’s a specimen under a microscope. His eyebrow raised, making sure that his eyes sent her his silent question of _‘What?’._

The nanny hummed, as if hesitating.

“Seungcheol, son, tell me honestly... are you alcoholic?” the nanny finally asked, the previous warm smile from her lips vanished, but her eyes were filled with concern.

He was taken aback, not anticipating the question from the woman.

Was he? Had he really turned alcoholic?

It was clear that alcohol became his silent companion during the past few years, during the nights he felt so torn and empty. During times of confusion, regrets, and loneliness. But wasn’t there a day when he wasn’t feeling any of it all? So maybe yes, maybe he had really turned alcoholic. Maybe he had become dependent of the substance so he could survive another day, another week, another month, and another year of emptiness.

As if sensing the riot that was his mind, the nanny chuckled and affectionately ruffled his hair – a habit she never tried to stop doing since he was a kid. He never protested whenever she does it, though. “I’m just kidding, son. I know you are not, and I know there are just so many conflicting emotions in your heart, too many questions filling your mind. Seungcheol, as the woman who helped your mom raise you, my only advice is for you to do what your heart tells you. _Reaching out first will never make you less of a man,_” she said meaningfully.

He looked at her, surprise was written all over his face.

The woman smiled knowingly. “It’s been years already, Seungcheol. I’ve always been wishing that one day, you’ll finally make your move. But it seems like you need a great push, so I’m pushing you right now. Find that special person, tell that someone about how you feel and please, do not come back alone. I will resign if I see you fail,” she threatened. Despite of the weight of her words, Seungcheol still found himself smiling a thankful smile.

He did not need to deny to himself anymore.

Maybe she’s right, all he needed was a little push.

***

The next day was just another normal day for Jeonghan, his kids, and their extended family. He let his kids bond with their neighbors – Joshua, a single father who works as an online stock broker and his very energetic son Mingyu, who was just younger by a year from the twins – at a nearby park together with Jun who volunteered to look after his twins. It was after the kids woke up from their afternoon nap when Joshua knocked on their door, wearing a bright smile and a bouncing Mingyu on his side, who squeaked _“Wonuuuu! Ddeulgi-yaaaaa!”_ as soon as the door opened. The set of Mingyu’s missing teeth in the front made Jeonghan giggle. The kid was so cute.

He had known the two for a long time. He first met Joshua a week after he moved to the that foreign place. When the other learned that he was Korean, he immediately befriended him together with his wife, Wendy, who gave birth to Mingyu a year after. The three adults, including Jun, helped him cope up from his depression. He got separated from his husband just as when he learned he was carrying their babies, and it didn’t help that he chose to distance himself from his family and the place he was comfortable with. With the three by his side, he managed to pull himself together and little by little, he started to accept that some things just weren’t meant to happen.

It wasn't easy moving on – it was such a long process of struggling every day, every night, and every second of the day. Seven years ago, when he got the divorce papers, without a word, he packed his bags and left the house, only leaving the signed papers on Seungcheol’s bed. He let his trusted attorney to manage the divorce process, and flee to the U.S. without even consulting his parents. His mind was in so much chaos, so much that he almost lost his babies a week after living in misery, where his daily routine only consisted of crying and depriving himself of food. He had not known then that he was already pregnant. He only knew about the pregnancy when one day, Joshua learned that he had a new neighbour and decided to give him home-cooked meals. It was blessing-in-disguise, because Jeonghan was already bleeding when Joshua knocked and heard him moaning painfully, almost losing consciousness. Thankfully, the door wasn’t locked so he was able to call for an ambulance and the babies were saved. He remembered when Wendy was tightly holding onto his hands as if they had known each other for a long time once they were inside the ambulance, whispering in his ear that he had to fight for the baby, which later turned out to be_ babies_. The warmth and sincerity in her voice made him realize that his life should not end like that – miserable and alone.

So he was very thankful to have found the two.

But his happiness was just short-lived, because three years ago, Wendy was diagnosed with blood cancer, and a year after, she was gone. As one of their closest friends and confidante, he tried to become stronger for Joshua and his kid. Together with Jun, they became the other’s ‘saving grace’ who pulled him out from his suicidal tendencies. Yes, it was sad that Joshua showed them signs of wanting to end his own life.

It was the hardest part though, to become someone else’s strength when you yourself was just as weak. But he was proud of himself, because despite of all the bad things that happened to him, he managed to live and continue his life. He was able to regain his life back, with the help of his bundle of joys and his friends, especially Jun who never left his side.

Maybe he was just unlucky in love, but in terms of friends and family, he was the luckiest.

He was neatly folding the newly washed and dried clothes when a knock on the door was heard. His forehead creased. Weren’t they too early? Nevertheless, he walked by the door and opened it without managing to look at the peephole, trusting that the security of the building was one of the best in the country.

“Yah! Wen Jun—” His words were cut short when he realized it wasn’t his friend and his kids.

_ Oh. _

“Hey, son.” The sweet voice of his mother woke him up from the initial shock. How many months had it been since they last saw each other in person and not just in video call? Five, maybe. Or six.

“Dad, Mom, what brings you here? You didn’t tell me you’re coming so I let the kids play at the park!” he exclaimed as he gave his parents a kiss on the cheek. He opened the door wide and invited them inside, shoving the toys and other play things of the kids aside. He knew their unit wasn’t messy at all, but it wasn’t all too clean, either. Having to do all the chores by himself plus taking care of the children at the same time weren’t such easy tasks. When he decided to leave his home country for good, he also started becoming independent from house helpers. Though during the previous years it was also like his task to live as a house help, still, he had a few maids to help him. But in that foreign country, he decided all the works should be done by him. He wasn’t raised a spoiled brat so it was still enjoyable, yet tiring at times.

When all of them were finally settled down and all the questions of ‘how are you’ and ‘how have you been’ were answered, Jeonghan noticed the tension from the two. “Mom, dad, is there something you want to say? You both looked tense.”

Both cleared their throats, but only his dad answered. “We want you to come back to Seoul. We’re getting older and we cannot always fly here whenever we want to see our grandchildren and you.”

Jeonghan bit his lip. Lately, he noticed during their phone conversations that his parents were often asking them to come back to Seoul for good. It was sweet, knowing they wanted to spend all their time with the three of them. “Uhm, that’s not easy, mom, dad… We already established our lives here, and besides—”

Mrs. Yoon interjected, “You see, aside from us getting older, there’s a far more serious reason,” she said as her eyes started to well up. Although intrigued, Jeonghan started to panic. It must be very serious. “I’ll be straight to the point. Y-Your father-in-law—”

“_Former_ father-in-law,” he corrected on impulse. He bit his lip when he saw the sadness that clouded his parents’ eyes. He knew they were still sad about what happened to his and Seungcheol’s marriage, but what can he do? Nothing could save their marriage anymore. It was already bound to end with no means of salvation.

Mrs. Yoon sighed, but then continued, “Your ex-husband’s dad was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer,” his mother informed. "H-He might not make it, if his body won’t respond positively with the treatments.”

Jeonghan was taken aback, mouth wide open in shock and disbelief. Mr. Choi might not be very vocal about his feelings, but in the duration of his marriage with his son, he knew and felt how the older man treated him as his own. He was affectionate in his own way, so it wasn’t hard developing an attachment to him, the same with his former mother-in-law who was almost like a copycat of his own mother – noisy, caring, and cunning in a funny way.

The news was unexpected, as well as disheartening. He wondered how Seungcheol was taking it… He shook his head. No, he shouldn’t be thinking about what the other was feeling anymore. It shouldn’t be his business to know so. He didn’t have the right anymore.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves from the shock of the unexpected news. “I… I don’t know what to say, but… since when, Mom, Dad?”

His father heaved a deep sigh. “Around two weeks ago.”

_ Two weeks ago!  _ “W-Was that why you were always asking us to go back to Seoul?”

“Yes. I think it’s high time that the older Chois meet their grandchildren.”

_ And the father to meet his kids,  _ he thought. Was he ready? What if they all got mad at him and take the kids away from him? What if the Chois demand for a heart breaking separation of the kids from him? But the older Choi was dying, so it would be more unfair if he didn’t get the chance to meet his grandchildren. 

Fear pricked at his insides like thorns as he wondered how Seungcheol would react with the revelation. Overwhelmed with conflicting feelings about his children and their father, Jeonghan’s body was tense and his mind was disturbed. Worry started filling his system and his parents didn’t fail to notice it.

“Jeonghan, if you’re thinking that they might steal the kids away from you, you know they wouldn’t do it.”

He shook his head. “How sure are we? But it’s not them, Mom. It’s… it’s their f-father,” he admitted. He knew he sounded like a coward, but the Seungcheol he knew was so capable of doing unexpected things. Things that were never in favour of Jeonghan. Well, if he demanded that they put the case to court, he’s more than willing to fight for his right. He wouldn’t give his children up that easy. He’ll fight for them the best he could.

“Let’s accept what his decision would be, accept his anger and apologize. He’s the father, Jeonghan. And he was stripped off the right to know their existence, much less to experience being a father to them,” there was a hit of condemn in his father’s voice. He was very vocal to his objection about making the twins’ existence a secret from the Choi family, thinking that it might sever the good tie their family had with them once the truth comes out, and honestly, he felt guilty about it, too. But he had no choice. Seungcheol gave him no choice. “If he happens to make a decision that will hurt us, then we’ll negotiate. We will be there to support you, not just you but also the twins.”

Jeonghan’s eyes started to moisten. Ah, what did he do in his past life to deserve this kind of love from his parents? Even through piles of mistakes, they still love him just the same.

“I’ll think about it, Mom, Dad…” was what he said, but he knew deep inside his heart that a decision was already made.

_ Will I ever be ready? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those who commented. I feel happy reading them ^^  
I'm new to AO3 and I actually don't know how to use this properly hehe. But I'm trying. I'm more used to AFF.  
Oh and btw I'll be more than grateful if you can recommend this fic to our fellow jeongcheol shippers! <3  
my Twitter acct is @17jeongcheolAFF ^^


	20. CHAPTER 19 [Time has changed, but do feelings stay the same?]

Jeonghan took a deep breath as his eyes scanned his surroundings. Nothing had changed, really. Just a few new commercial establishments here and there, then everything was still how he remembered them to be. The chilly temperature of December still made him shiver, and the smell of mixed Korean dishes and street foods from the nearby stalls made him mutter,_ “I’m really home.”_

After his parents’ visit and their surprising news a week ago, he decided to secretly book a flight to Seoul to make the most important decision of his life. He told no one—except from Jun who came with him together with the twins—that he was coming back to Seoul. _They_ were coming back.

It wasn’t for good, of course!

The decision was not easy. It took him sleepless nights and insane mental arguments before he finally made a decision that would not only possibly change just his life, but of all the people closest to his heart. Despite of the years that passed, the terrible experiences associated with it, and the painful process of recovering himself along with his shattered heart and confidence, Jeonghan concluded that he could not really avoid things that were bound to happen anytime soon. Despite of the endless prayers and bargaining, the inevitable would still happen.

He was strolling alone because Jun and the kids were too tired from the travel. They took off from the plane exactly one hour ago, and because he was already restless and anxious, he decided to take a short tour and tire himself out. It was okay with him, since he honestly wanted to be alone so he could do the first step of his plans. He wanted to inform the elder Chois of their grandchildren’s existence as soon as possible.

When he decided to finally reveal his secret, he wanted the elders to know about it first. He didn’t really know why, but his gut feeling was telling him that the elders wouldn’t be as mad as how Seungcheol would be. Although he’s not an inch afraid of meeting him again, the thing he was afraid of was not how his heart would react after seeing him, but of what Seungcheol could do to _them_. Would he demand sole custody, or would he be okay with just visiting the twins? He didn’t want to put their conflict to court, because it would just confuse the children. And he didn’t want that to happen. He wanted the best for them, and he didn’t want them to be exposed to pain at a very early age.

Jeonghan sighed heavily and decided to temporary forget his worries and just enjoy this short time of quietude for a while. He continued to stroll with no specific place to go to, with both his hands inside the pockets of his jacket, thanks to his rusty memory that forgot to remind him to pack his mittens.

He was finally busy rummaging his hands through the clothes rack of a popular shop when his phone rang. His lips curved a smile when he saw the name of the caller. It was Jun, but he knew who it really was.

“Hey, sweetheart. I miss you already…”

_“Where did you go, appa?”_ Seulgi’s sleepy voice asked from the other line. He could clearly picture her droopy eyes and yawning cute little mouth in his mind.

“I just went out, sweetie. Would you like me to buy you something?”

_“Mmm! Uncle Jun said that odeng tastes really good, appa! Can Deulgi get some, pwease?”_

Jeonghan chuckled and brushed his hair with his free hand, not noticing the number of girls and guys who were looking at his direction with adoration in their eyes. “Sure. Is that all? Tell me if—_oof!” _

He was unable to finish his words when he felt his back bump into something hard. Or rather, _someone_.

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t looking,” a man apologetically said, his back still facing him. But despite of not seeing his face, his voice alone and the way his body reacted to their closeness already gave him an idea who he was. He closed his eyes and prayed that he was just mistaken. Although he already told himself a million times that meeting him again wouldn’t scare him, deep inside him, he knew that was not true. He felt his breath quicken and cold drops of sweat started forming on his forehead. He didn’t know what to do, or what to say, or even how to react. He knew that they’d be meeting soon, but not_ this_ soon.

“Are you okay? Did you get hurt somewhere?” the man asked when he did not even flinch a little. He bit his lip and felt his whole body tremble.

What should he do? Must he run? Must he pretend that nothing happened and just continue walking away? Or should he just—

“Jeonghan? T-That’s you, right? Yoon Jeong…han…”

Jeonghan closed his eyes and tried to compose himself. When he was sure that he looked normal again, he turned around and there he confirmed that his intuition was right. It was _him_, all in the flesh. What a coincidence, huh?

“Oh. Hi, Seungcheol,” he calmly said, as if just greeting a high school classmate after years of not seeing each other. He tried to sound as normal as possible. “Fancy meeting you again.”

The look that the other was giving him was making him uncomfortable. Should he really be looking at him as if he terribly missed him? There was longing and tenderness in his eyes that he was so sure were really out of the place. It was not right, he must have been imagining things because of jet lag._ Right._

And what the hell is happening with him, either? He already taught himself not to feel anything for this man, and yet, just seeing him again after years of separation felt like he just wasted all those years trying to teach himself to hate his guy! He shouldn’t be feeling this way—he shouldn’t feel relieved seeing him again, shouldn’t be delighted, shouldn’t feel as if something as heavy as a boulder was lifted off his chest and now that he’s seeing him now, he finally felt alive again. No! No…

_Wake up, Yoon Jeonghan! That’s the man who hurt you the most. The man who broke you into pieces!_

The anger that he nourished inside his heart in case of seeing him again was now filling up his system. That’s right—this man didn’t deserve anything from him other than hatred and anger.

He saw the other hesitantly lifted his hand as if wanting to touch him, but controlled himself. Jeonghan disregarded the pang of loneliness in his heart when he didn’t continue.

“I… Uhm, h-how are you? It’s been years…”

Jeonghan’s brow raised. Was this really Seungcheol? He sounded so unsure and insecure, too far from the image that he left him when they separated. The Seungcheol that he knew was so confident, always so sure of himself, always looking so tough. But the Seungcheol right now somehow seemed so… _different?_

Jeonghan nodded. “Yeah, it’s been years. I’ve been great, Seungcheol. Thanks for asking. I need to go,” was all he said before he turned around and started walking away.

“W-Wait! I just—”

“Seungcheol, what’s taking you so long?” a new voice interrupted. Jeonghan momentarily stopped on his tracks and turned around, confirming his suspicion of the newcomer’s identity. He bitterly smiled to himself as he saw the woman’s arm wrap around his ex-husband’s, looking so perfect together. Seungcheol’s eyes were still looking at him, while the woman’s huge eyes were now sharply glaring at him.

He raised a brow at her, grinning mockingly as he turned around and finally walked away. When he finally had his back turned, his expression changed.

_That’s right, Jeonghan. Step forward. Left foot, then right foot. Act as if you feel nothing. Act as if Hyelim and Seungcheol do not look perfect together. Chin up, Yoon Jeonghan. Your kids are waiting for you. Yes, your wonderful kids._

***

Seungcheol’s heart was beating so loudly that he was afraid that the other would hear it. He couldn’t ask his heart to calm down. It’s as if it finally started beating to make him feel alive again after years of not functioning right. It was as if it was reminding him to whom it really was beating for.

His face flushed red.

Yeah, he’s now finally admitting that he made the biggest mistake of his life when he let Jeonghan go. When he let his pride took over and ended what was blossoming between them. Much more the fact that he did not go after him and just let him walk away in his life, although he was the one who wanted him out of his life. He was such a fool for making that decision. He should have known better, he should have realized it sooner.

Jeonghan’s hair was a lot shorter now. It was cut in a masculine way, yet his beauty still remained. Whatever the length of his hair may be, he knew it would always suit him. He’d definitely turn heads even while wearing a potato sackcloth. His face was still as angelic as he remembered, yet his eyes were proving otherwise. They were cold and filled with… hatred? He felt a wrenching pain in his heart.

It was his fault, wasn’t it? The hatred in his eyes was solely because of him. He made him suffer in the whole duration of their marriage. And he didn’t know if he was still suffering up until that moment. If only he could make everything right…

He wanted to make everything right. He wanted to start all over again, but he didn’t know how.

“That’s your ex-wife, right?” Hyelim asked after a few minutes of silence between them. With her arms crossed, he knew she was going to throw a fit so soon. “I saw the way you look at him. It didn’t change, Seungcheol.”

He shot her a questioning look. What was she saying?

As if reading his mind, Hyelim mockingly laughed. “Oh. Don’t you dare deny it, hon. You’ve always looked at him as if he’s someone special. You used to look at me like that before, too. But now you never did, especially after he left.”

Her words were like a bomb in his ears. How come other people knew his feelings about Jeonghan first when he himself had realized it so late?

_Because you’re an in-denial bastard!_ the brash part of his mind scolded.

“Hyelim, I…”

She waved her hand dismissively. “You know what? I think our relationship wouldn’t work out regardless of how much effort we both put in. Now that he’s back, why not pursue him? I think you both suit each other. Why? Because you’re both _losers_,” she said as she glared at him with so much disgust. “I don’t want to waste my time on you anymore. Seven years of waiting for you to ask me for marriage was enough for me to conclude that you will never, _ever,_ ask. So why bother my precious time on you? I might as well find someone hotter and richer than you are. And in case you didn’t get it, I’m breaking up with you, bastard!” she screamed as she started walking away like a beauty queen in a ramp.

Seungcheol was left stunned, but then flashed an amused smile, ignoring the curious stares of the people around them. They probably found it amusing how Hyelim just coolly broke up with him. He actually didn’t care, because he was really about to break up with her, anyway. She just did it earlier for him. And he was glad that she did.

And he was even more glad that he bumped into wife—_ex-wife_—again.

Jeonghan was back.

He wouldn’t let the opportunity pass. He was going to woo him and ask him to marry him again, but this time, it’s for the right reason. But first, he must make sure if he was still available.

_And if he’s not?_

Then he’ll make sure he’s available!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow. You didn’t expect that, didn’t you? LOL jk.
> 
> I’m back woohoo~~! <3 Thank you to those who are commenting/messaging me about this fic. It just meant that you’re really reading this and I'm glad! [BTW the drama is focused on JeongCheol, not with Hyelim-Seungcheol-Jeonghan so that’s why I had to make her go away coolly HA HA HA okay that was lame :D ]
> 
> XOXO ^^


	21. CHAPTER 20 [“I’m your… daddy.”]

_“Wow,” Seulgi bemused, her little eyes sparkling with fascination. “Whose castle is this, appa?”_

_Wonwoo giggled. “This is not a castle! Castles have kings, queens, and soldiers. I don’t see any!”_

The Choi mansion had still been how he remembered it to be – grand, regal, and overwhelming. It was overwhelming in a sense that every corner of it still screamed elegance and class. Nothing below the level of ‘best’ was allowed inside and out. Nothing had changed, except for a few furniture here and there. It was so breathtaking, yet its beauty wasn’t enough to shake off the riot that was inside his head.

It was the day that he decided that it was finally time to face the reality that he had been trying to avoid. The sun had just risen when they arrived at the Choi’s estate without telling the residents beforehand that they were coming. He told the twins that they’d be visiting some relatives, which was not a lie, but also not the whole truth, either.

When they arrived, they were greeted by a house helper that seemed to recognize him. It was a relief since he didn’t know how to introduce himself once she asked him who he was and what he needed. Would it be, “I’m Yoon Jeonghan, the Choi elders’ ex-son-in-law” or “Seungcheol’s ex-husband”? It was too awkward even just thinking about it.

He was also glad that she did not dare ask who the kids were. Whatever her thoughts were, he was glad she kept them for herself only. He politely asked her to take the two in the guest room and have someone to look after them, then notify the elders of his presence. He specifically told her that it’s urgent, which she seemed to understand clearly why.

***

Jeonghan heaved a deep breath. What would his kids’ reaction be once they saw their other set of grandparents? What would the grandparents’ reaction be once they knew the kids as well?

Jeonghan splashed cold water on his face and stared at his features in the mirror of the restroom. His eyes were the clear indication of the stress he was currently in to.

_Is this really the right time? _he thought, studying his reflection as if it would answer back. After some time of pondering, he shook his head. _If not now, then when? Cowardice is cruelty, Yoon Jeonghan!_

There was evident fear in the face that looked back from the mirror.

_He doesn’t even deserve to know about their existence since he said he didn’t want to do anything with me anymore. If… if he finally knew about them, then we have no choice but to share custody with the kids and interact and… _

He sighed.

_Who am I kidding? He might even take them away from me… _was the last of his thoughts before the helper knocked and announced that the elders were finally ready to face him, setting aside the truth that it was the supposedly unavoidable interaction with his ex-husband that made him more anxious rather than _him_ taking the kids away.

***

The elders were already inside the spacious library when Jeonghan came in. Surprise, warmth, and happiness were clearly seen on their faces as they watched him slowly walk towards them. When their eyes met, Jeonghan forced his lips into a shape that he hoped might resemble a smile.

“Jeonghan, what a surprise! Why didn’t you tell us beforehand that you were coming? We could’ve thrown you a party, dear. We missed you so much!” Mrs. Choi said as she stood up and imprisoned him with a very tight embrace, too tight that he almost ran out of breath if not from the gasp that was unintentionally released from his mouth.

“Honey, Jeonghan couldn’t breathe anymore.” Mr. Choi said with a smile. He looked pale and sickly, but that did not lessen the aura of a powerful man that he always had. He smiled back to the old man.

“I’m so sorry, dear! I was just too delighted to see you again,” she apologetically said as she scanned him from head to foot. “Jeonghan-ah! You lost weight. Have you not been eating well? My, my. I’ve seen corpses that look healthier than you do!” she exaggeratedly commented which made him finally relax. He thought that the first thing that would come out of their mouths were disappointment for not contacting them for years.

After the pleasantries and giving the gifts he bought for them, he decided that it was finally the time to tell them his true agenda. But before he could start, Mr. Choi had beaten him to it.

“Have you and my son already talked?”

There was an awkward pause as Jeonghan fidgeted on his seat. Could it be that… they already knew?

“I… We met at a shop yesterday. He’s with… he’s with his _new wife._” _Or not? Jeonghan, you’re fishing for information, huh?_

The two chuckled. Mrs. Choi dismissively waved her hand before she said, “No, no. She’s now the ex-girlfriend. For the second time around, if you know what I mean.”

Jeonghan blinked. “Oh.”

He tried to look as nonchalant as possible, even though there were so many questions running around his mind. It wasn’t easy, but he managed. He didn’t want the elders to have their hopes up. He knew they were still hoping that they could still get back together.

“’Oh’ as in,_ Oh, okay _, or _Oh, I’m relieved?_” Mrs. Choi asked with a grin.

Instead of answering, he opted to end the tension that was slowly forming in his gut. “A-Actually, I have something else to tell you…”

The two nodded, silently urging him to continue. Their faces were now serious and gone was the playful aura around them. He was constructing the words in his mind when he suddenly shivered, as if someone had just slipped a piece of ice along his spine. There was a strange feeling of being watched, so he stopped and looked around, but saw no one. _You’re just being paranoid and scared. Go spill the beans! Get it done and over with!_

He took a deep breath and finally revealed, “I have kids. Twins, exactly. A boy and a girl who’ll be turning six in a few months’ time…”

Both of them were silent for a minute, as if digesting the information he just spilled. It was Mrs. Choi who spoke first. “Oh… Did you bring them with you? How about their father? You must be happily married now, huh? Congratulations, honey…”

Jeonghan closed his eyes. _This isn’t as easy as I thought it would be while I was practicing in front of the mirror!_

“Listen, Seungcheol is their father—”

_“—what did you just say?”_ Another voice boomed from the other side of the library, specifically from the layers of books opposite their direction. Seungcheol walked closely, dangerously close that Jeonghan automatically stood up to face him.

The other’s face was grim, too grim which brought Jeonghan back to the memories of how this man had always wore this expression whenever he was around. To the time when they were still married and he was all over him.

“I’m asking you one more time. What did you just say?” Seungcheol’s voice was calm, yet he could sense danger in it.

Looking at the other's eyes reminded him of the countless times when he wasn't able to defend himself during their confrontations. He remembered the times when he had a lot to say to stand up for himself from his baseless accusations, but always ended up not saying anything because of fear that the other would just be angrier and finally be fed up and leave him.

Fearful. Coward. Weak. These were all he was before. A person who couldn't and wouldn’t defend himself because he was afraid to lose the person he loved. He was a spineless hopeless romantic who thought that by being submissive would earn him the love of a monster that was once his husband. The husband who once destroyed whatever respect for self was left of him.

Perhaps it was because of the sudden flashback of memories that he managed to finally be courageous and face this man head on. Gone were the days when he would just accept all the harsh words that this man would say. He was a renewed man now, a man who had two kids and himself to protect. With his head held high, he set aside his fear and guilt and faced the other’s anger.

“You are the father of my kids. Are you going to be mad at me?” he challenged, meeting the other’s burning gaze. His question seemed to enrage the other more, for his eyes glared at him as if they could throw him daggers anytime.

“Am I not allowed to? What do you think should I feel right now? Ecstatic because finally, after seven years, I finally learned about my children’s existence? So to answer your question: YES, I AM SO MAD AT YOU!”

Blood rushed to his ears in anger, but he decided to act cool to piss the other more and smirked at his ex-husband, completely forgetting the fact that the elders were watching them. “Oh? Just to remind you, when you handed me the divorce papers and decided we’re over, you already lost the right to me. Which means that when I learned about my pregnancy, we were already over. Do you just expect me to tell you about them when you already ended our connection? So, if you’re going to blame me about not knowing about them earlier, then please, blame yourself!” Jeonghan said sarcastically, pointing an angry finger to the other.

“Why, you—”

“If you think I'm going to let you talk bad about me, then you’re wrong. Not a single painful word coming from your filthy mouth will make me apologize to what I did. If I will be given a chance to turn back time, I will still hide my children from you because frankly my dear, I don’t care about you anymore!” He paused to catch for his breath when he realized he had been holding it. Then he continued, “When our marriage ended seven years ago, you already erased me, including the kids I bore in my womb, from your life. It is solely your fault, Seungcheol. Don't you ever blame me for _this_. Actually, if not for my parents convincing me and the children’s persistence in meeting their father, I would never tell you about it. I could even introduce them to a pretend father, but I never did. Now, just be grateful I am giving you the chance to meet them.”

How Jeonghan wanted to give himself an applause for not even stammering, and for keeping a straight face as he speak those words. He felt triumphant, because for the first time in so many years, he was able to make Seungcheol see that he was not someone who would always bow down for him. He would now fight and talk back.

Seungcheol shook his head, eyes filled with shock and disappointment as he looked at him. “How could you do this? Don't you ever think about what I'm feeling right now?”

Jeonghan scoffed. He’d never let the guilty feeling that was now slowly eating him up to ruin the barricade that he was now building between them. Gone were the days when he would just easily crumble down and be looked down upon by this man. Seungcheol should now know how his monstrous personality had changed him.

“If I cared nothing about what you'd feel when I hid my pregnancy to you...” he said bitterly, “then just imagine about how I feel _now_ that _you_ learned about it.” He said with a blank expression, his voice as cold as the weather condition of every polar region.

Maybe because of shock, or anger, or maybe both, Seungcheol took hold of his shoulders and started shaking him with brute force. “Who the hell are you now?! It’s like I don’t even know you anymore!”

“Choi Seungcheol, stop!” the elders echoed, but Seungcheol seemed too determined to shake the conscience out of him.

“No! This guy was never this heartless before—”

**“—yaaaaa! Let our appa go!” **

**“Stop hurting my appa! You’re bad! Bad person!”**

“I’m so sorry, Sir, Ma’am! They were throwing tantrums and won’t stop crying so I had to let them out!” the helper frantically apologized, head bowed too low as she tried to chase the kids that were now launching at Jeonghan.

Seungcheol’s grip to his shoulders slowly loosen up until he couldn’t feel it anymore. The other’s eyes were settled on the kids that were now hugging him with tears in their little eyes. He knelt down to assure them that he’s okay. The whole room was suddenly filled with tension, until he heard a collection of gasps that came from the elders.

“Honey… they look like our son when he’s still a child. I can’t believe it,” Mrs. Choi muttered, holding her husband’s hand tightly as if seeing an apparition that she didn’t expect to see. Their eyes started to moisten as they looked at the kids who were now looking at Jeonghan with curiosity. Jeonghan took a deep breath and mustered a smile.

“Seulgi, Wonwoo, meet your other grandma and grandpa…” he said as he motioned his hands towards the elders. The two’s faces glowed and smiled happily, momentarily forgetting why they were crying. He told them to hug the pair which they gladly did.

“Granny!” the two echoed as they bounced and gave the elders a tight hug. It should have been a beautiful image of a reunion, but Jeonghan knew he still had a lot to explain, especially to the man who was now looking at his kids with longing and sadness in his eyes that he wasn’t so sure anymore if hurting his feelings should make him feel delighted.

_It’s good you still held your conscience, Jeonghan…_

***

The children had thick, jet black hair that tend to curl at the ends, like his if not properly trimmed. The little girl’s nose was from Jeonghan, small yet firm. The little boy’s got his, prominent and aristocratic. Their long lashes were obviously from him, and their thin lips from Jeonghan. Their eyes, however, their sharp, slit-like eyes were from Seungcheol’s mother. Tiny, yet so captivating.

No doubt, he was their father.

“Granny, who’s that bad guy?” The little boy asked as he pointed at him. His parents were caught in surprise not by the little boy's question, but by his choice of reference, so it took them a while to answer. Jeonghan’s face was blank as he looked at the children, then at him. He couldn’t read him anymore. He didn’t know what he was thinking anymore which made him more frustrated. How can a person change so much—so much that it felt like being with someone who you just had met?

“He’s so bad, granny. He hurt my appa. I don’t like him!” The little girl mused, lips slightly pouting. There was a sharp pain in his heart upon hearing her say her distaste for him. _I didn’t want our first meeting to be like this… I’ve been denied of knowing them for years…_

“Seulgi, Wonwoo, he is our son. He is your dad.” His dad finally spoke, giving him an assuring smile.

The room went quiet. The kids looked at each other, communicating with only their eyes that only they could understand.

He decided it was time to finally step in, momentarily forgetting about the heated exchange he had with Jeonghan who was still silently watching them, void of any emotion. _‘We will talk later’_, he mouthed at him which the other answered with a nod.

Slowly, he strode towards them with his arms wide open, expecting a tight embrace from the two. “H-Hey. I’m Seungcheol. I’m your… daddy.”

But he did not expect the reaction he got from them. They threw a fit and cried.

**“Nooooooo! I don’t wanna! You’re mean!”**

**“You hurt my appa! You’re not our dad!”**

**“I want another dad! Not him! Not him!”**

And what hurts more than hearing them say those? They’re just kids, logic and explanation did not matter to them. What their eyes could see and how they perceive them, it’ll be etched in their minds for as long as they want to.

The severity of the situation was beyond repair, he realized.

He just stood there, frozen and numbed. His chest felt so tight he was afraid his heart would burst out anytime soon. Would he just die without hearing them call him “daddy”? Would he just die not knowing how good it felt to be able to hug them, to kiss them, and be with them?

So for the first time in his life, he let himself shed a tear in front of many people.

_Karma’s a bitch, they say…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iZ tHiS tHe aNgsT yoU aRE lo0kiNg f0r??! (kidding lol)  
Follow me on twitter for *spoilers/snippets* and updates when I will *approximately* update! @17jeongcheolAFF  
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE SOME COMMENTS, THEY MAKE ME HAPPY AND FEEL LIKE MY WORK IS APPRECIATED HEHE ^*^  
Til the next update!


	22. CHAPTER 21 [I’m awake but I still dream of chasing you]

_“Do you intentionally avoid going back to Seoul because of Seungcheol? Hannie, no matter what you do, no matter how much you avoid him, your paths will still cross again. He’s the father of your children, and you cannot take it away from him.”_

_“No. He’s just a sperm donor, Jun.”_

_“What? Goodness! Did that just really come from you? Sometimes, I really wonder where the old Jeonghan went.”_

_“He’s dead. Choi Seungcheol killed him.”_

*

Jeonghan watched as Seungcheol continued to pace forwards and backwards, consumed with anger and frustration. Grinding his teeth and clenching his fists, he casted angry looks at everything his eyes caught. Then he abruptly stopped, marched towards him until they’re only inches apart, eyes never leaving his. He bravely held his gaze, determined not to show any sign of weakness that he was sure the other would slyly use against him.

“What do you mean that you’re going back to Boston with the kids? That’s absurd!” said Seungcheol in a tone of outrage and frustration.

Jeonghan blew air with his mouth, his patience wearing thin. He sat at the nearest chair he found and stared at the other with boredom on his face that he made sure the other would notice. He crossed his legs and once again, took a deep breath before he said, “As I told you, we only came here to notify you and the elders about our kids. For you to know each other, and for them to believe me that they have a father. I never intended to stay here. Besides, you can always visit them in Boston. What’s the use of your private jets? Come whenever you want, I won’t prohibit you.”

Seungcheol’s brows almost formed a straight line. He could see the tension building on his shoulders. “Can you hear yourself, Jeonghan? Come _whenever_ I want?”

Jeonghan raised a brow. “Yeah, that’s just what I said.”

Dismayed, Seungcheol shook his head. “You’re unbelievable.”

Jeonghan’s lips formed into a thin line. He was starting to really lose his temper. “Listen, if you don’t agree with my terms—”

“My parents, especially my dad with his condition, could not just go abroad whenever _we_ feel like visiting _my_ children. You’re well aware about that, aren’t you?”

The room was met with total silence. He never thought about that… No, he actually didn’t consider that, in all honesty.

And just when he was about to compromise, Seungcheol suddenly dropped a bomb - a bomb that he had always been aware that would detonate any time; a bomb that would always be his ex-husband’s greatest weapon against him.

“I am also willing to go in every court just so I could have my children,” Seungcheol blatantly said, his cold brown eyes piercing mercilessly through him like an arrow.

Jeonghan heard the warning bells inside his mind. Fear started creeping in his heart. He couldn’t let that happen!

“You wouldn’t dare—”

“_Yes_, I would dare, honey. I’ll hire the best lawyers, or even use our family’s influence just so I’d win the case. You know how powerful we are, right? But don’t worry, that will only happen if you don’t agree with _my terms_.”

Jeonghan unconsciously gulped an invisible lump in his throat. _Here we go… _“W-Which terms?”

There was a wicked smile on the other’s lips as he scanned his face, and Jeonghan hated himself for how he found it charming despite of the reason of that smile. He wanted to smack himself for appreciating the other’s charm given the losing situation he was in._ This man is going to take your kids away! Stop daydreaming! Activate your Seungcheol immunity!_

“You and the kids will live in this house. I will also move in, so I could spend a lot of time with them. I will provide everything for them starting now, like a good father would. Had I not been deprived of knowing them earlier, I would’ve provided them the best of the best already…” there was bitterness in his voice that made Jeonghan feel a terrible bile rising up his throat.

_He deserved it! Don’t feel too guilty about it,_ he reminded himself.

“Listen, I think you’re forgetting something,” he said as he unknowingly put a finger up to get the other’s attention. “You asked for a divorce, I gave it to you. When a person files for a divorce, didn’t that person just want to have nothing to do with his ex-partner anymore?” He paused, catching for breath. “Then why does it seem like it’s my fault? _My_ entire fault?” he couldn’t help but raise his voice in frustration.

Why couldn’t he get it? Why couldn’t he get the point that he had just made everything easier for him, that he just cut their ties completely so he would finally have the divorce he had long wanted to get, without any bars holding him back? Because he was so sure that once Seungcheol knew about his pregnancy, then their divorce process would be set aside… and what would happen to Seungcheol’s happiness then? Jeonghan would surely be blamed again because he’d think that he purposely got himself pregnant just so he could trap him in their loveless marriage forever, right? So to save themselves from further heartache, he did what he thought was best for everyone.

But Seungcheol wouldn’t understand that, wouldn’t he? Because since the very beginning, he was the villain in his ex-husband’s eyes. Nothing that Jeonghan did was good for him.

“If only you had told me you were carrying our child—”

“—then what?” he snapped, almost shouting in frustration. His cheeks felt so hot he was afraid he could punch the other any minute now. “There can only be two scenarios that I could think of, Seungcheol. First is that you wouldn’t believe me, because I already tricked you into believing that I was once pregnant, right? Even if I gave you a proof of my pregnancy—test kits, doctor’s confirmation—you would just accuse me of lying. Either I told you that just so we could delay the divorce, or that I got myself pregnant from another man just to trap you once again. I know you too much to rightfully predict what could’ve happened. And it’s close to what you would have in mind, right?”

There was a sarcastic smile that formed on his lips, then they twitched, until a straight line was formed. He looked at the other with disdain, and saw that Seungcheol was looking at him, as if grappling with his conscience, as if doubting himself, as if blaming himself, as if a huge bomb was thrown in his face.

But Jeonghan knew he shouldn’t just stop there, because he was now given a chance to finally talk; a chance that he was denied to do before all the chaos.

A sad smile formed on his lips.

“Do you want to know what the second scenario was? The one that made me actually do what I did?” he asked, but he was not actually waiting for an answer, so he continued, “The second scenario was… you’ll not go through with the divorce. You’ll stay for the sake of the unborn child. But it won’t just stop with that – you’ll treat me as if I’m the world’s most hated villain. You’ll only talk to me for the sake of the unborn child, but the way you’ll treat me would be thrice as worse as you had treated me before. And where would that leave me? I’ll be in misery, or worse, I might have lost the babies along the way. And I didn’t want to lose them, so I had to take my pregnancy with just me.”

Jeonghan closed his eyes to control the tears that he knew would be uncontrollable once shed. Just the mere thought of losing his babies while still inside his womb hurt him too much. And he didn’t want to cry in front of his ex-husband anymore. Not today, not in a lifetime.

Minutes passed and he was grateful for the other’s silence.

Once he felt better, he finally opened his eyes and turned at the other who was then at the window, eyes looking far away, his fists were clenched as if trying control his emotions. His shoulders were stiff and his jaw was clenched and he looked like he was about to pummel anyone that would dare go in his sight.

Jeonghan sighed. It’s not yet over, wasn’t it?

Just as when he was about to walk away, Seungcheol called his name.

“I’m sorry,” Seungcheol whispered, barely audible, his back still facing him so he couldn’t really know what was going on in his mind. Or confirm if he was actually sincere. “I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you.”

Jeonghan remained standing, frozen and dumbfounded. He wasn’t expecting an apology of any sort, really. Given the heated discussion they just went through, an apologizing Choi Seungcheol was an unexpected turn of event. His eyebrows raised in suspicion.

“No need to apologize to what had been done. The kids and I will stay. I realized it’s the best thing I could do for your dad,” he coldly said and turned away. "Excuse me."

Once his back was finally facing the other side of the door, Jeonghan couldn’t help but heave a deep sigh.

What the heck just happened? First, he was threatened to be put in court. The next thing he knew, he was hearing his ex-husband apologize.

What a cruel joke! 

And what's more appalling was... 

He agreed to live in the same house with _him_. With their children. That easily. 

He mentally hit his head.

_"You know, I don't think that the old Yoon Jeonghan is dead. I think he is just there, in a state of coma, waiting for the right time to wake up. And when is the right time to wake up, you ask? It's when the person he left behind finally realized his worth."_

He shook his head. Why did Jun's voice suddenly pop up? And in that specific conversation they had just a day before he went back to Seoul. Ah, he must be crazy. He's going crazy he's starting to doubt himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for a one chapter worth of only one scene ㅠㅠㅠ
> 
> Thanks for staying with me!!!♡ And for your patience for my update ^^*


	23. CHAPTER 22 [The Melancholy of Falling In Love]

Jeonghan could feel it.

He was completely and obviously feeling it even when his eyes were closed and he felt too sleepy to open them. There were pairs of eyes watching him just as there was a very familiar presence beside him, waiting for him to wake up. He groaned before he tried to force his eyes to open, which required a lot of effort as they felt too heavy at the moment.

He barely slept, like only two hours the most, but he knew he had to get up because, yeah, his children were more important now than sleep.

“Appa,” Seulgi called. She sounded upset first thing in the morning and that was just so unusual it made his eyes open in an instant. He found her protectively standing by his bed, but her eyes were glaring at something, or rather _someone_, by the door. He followed her gaze and a surprised gasp escaped his mouth.

_ Jesus fucking Christ! _

Standing by the door frame was his ex-husband. Not only that, he was carrying little Wonwoo in his arms, and the kid’s smile was so bright it was enough to lighten up the whole town at night. They looked like a perfect example of a good-looking father and son in a cover of family-oriented catalogues and leaflets.

Seungcheol though, he seemed awkward and nervous as he tried to smile at their daughter whose rage in her eyes seemed to grow more and more intense in every second.

“What are you all doing here?” he managed to ask in a hoarse voice, disgruntled and confused due to the unwanted combination of lack of sleep, confusion, and shock. He sat up and motioned the little girl to sit beside him. “Seulgi, why do you look like you’re ready to murder your Dad, hmm?”

When the kid only replied with a loud _“Hmph!”_ crankily while scowling at her dad, Jeonghan turned to face the other adult, his eyebrows forming a straight line. “Seungcheol, did something happen while I was asleep?”

The other’s face turned pink and his eyes shifted down as if something interesting was happening on the floor. _Weird. Something definitely did happen while I was sleeping._ “Well?”

“Daddy said we’ll go to the mall today!” Wonwoo cheerfully announced, arms flailing sideways in glee his heart beat gone wild for a second in thoughts of him falling down. But thank heavens Seungcheol was holding him steadily and firmly. “You, me, Daddy, and Seulgi!”

His eyebrow raised a hundred mile. Something was not right. He looked at Seungcheol and muttered, “But—”

He heard yet another loud _“Hmph!”_ from their daughter.

Seungcheol sighed, resignation and guilt was written all over his face. “I overheard these two talking about wanting new toys and books, so I asked them if I could take you all to the mall today. But…” he sighed once more, eyes filled with remorse as he looked at their daughter. “I already talked to them and apologized about what they witnessed yesterday. Wonwoo forgave me, but Seulgi—”

“—I hate you!” Seulgi screamed, tears starting to fill her tiny eyes. Jeonghan knew better than to push the topic further, as the kid would just throw tantrums the whole day if she ever got upset. He quietly asked Seungcheol to leave and take Wonwoo with him. The other hesitated for a bit, but still left quietly. When the door finally closed, he cupped the little kid’s cheeks with his hands and kissed the tip of her nose.

“My baby bear, you used to stubbornly ask me where your Daddy was before, right? Now that you’ve finally met him, why are you trying to push him away?”

The kid pouted and mumbled, “Because he hurt you!”

“He was just…” _Damn. Why does it have to be so hard to explain to a child?_ “…surprised because of what I told him.”

“Why?”

“He wanted to know something, so I told him but it made him angry.”

“And it’s okay?”

His brows furrowed. “It’s okay to what?”

Her innocent eyes stared at him, desperate for an answer. “That he hurt you.”

Jeonghan immediately shook his head. Kids her age tend to question a lot of things, endless questions of _why_ and _why not_, and as a responsible parent, he must make sure that whatever he’s going to say would be helpful for her development as a good person.

“Of course it is not okay. But you see, adults do things like that sometimes in order to fix something. I know you won’t understand it for now, but your Daddy already apologized to us, right?” Seulgi nodded. “See? That means your Daddy loves you, so you should be nice to him,” he encouraged.

Seulgi went silent, seemingly trying to absorb what he just said.

_ How I wish it’s this easy to forgive someone… _

***

Seungcheol must admit: he wasn’t really expecting he’d be a dad so soon. Well, he had already expected before, but then it turned out not to be true. When Jeonghan left, it didn’t occur to him that it was possible for the other to carry their babies – for real. Not that he regret having the twins – hell, no. The thought of having them gave him overwhelming feelings he couldn’t begin to describe. But one thing’s for sure – he already love them so much despite knowing about them for just a short period of time.

When he learned about them, his initial reaction was anger, and that’s just understandable on his part, right? Being deprived of _something_ so special, _something_ that may change the course of his life, was just so cruel. Too cruel that no matter what he do or no matter how much money he spend, the time lost that he should have been there for them won’t be back. How could Jeonghan deny him a chance to know his children? He had not seen them grew up – he wasn’t there when they were crying in the middle of the night, wasn’t there to change their diapers, wasn’t there when they spoke their first word, when they had their first steps... But the one thing he regretted the most? _He let go of Jeonghan._

Alright, now that he was finally calm and thought about everything with a clear mind, he realized it wasn’t Jeonghan’s fault alone. The bigger fault was _his_, because he had been in a state of denial for such a long time he failed to see what he really wanted. He let pride rule over his head. He held on to what he thought was the most important to him, only to realize later that it was not what he really wanted. And it was all too late.

You see, he had learned to love his ex-wife.

There.

The truth was finally out. He finally admitted that he fell in love with the guy whom he thought he hated. The guy he married… and lost. The very same guy who he thought made him miserable when he came to his life, but then also made him feel more miserable when he was gone.

And when he finally realized what he wanted, the other already left, because he pushed him away. There were times when he thought he was going insane for thinking about Jeonghan for hours, for weeks, for months, yet doing nothing to relieve the feelings. He could’ve easily contacted him or find him, but he chose not to. What for? The other might have hated him already… to which he proved was real when they finally met again.

After Jeonghan left him, he contacted Hyelim and tried to get back together, thinking it was what he really wanted the most, to be free from Jeonghan and be with the woman he truly loved. But during the course of their relationship, he couldn’t find the happiness in his heart that she was once able to bring. Every day as time went by, he just felt more and more unhappy. They were almost seven years together before she broke up with him, and during those times he could have asked her to marry him, like she had always hinted, but he never dared to do so. He just stayed in their relationship for the sake of proving to everyone – especially to his parents – that his decision to file for a divorce was the best thing that he did for his happiness. But he was wrong. So, so wrong. 

“Don’t worry, daddy. Seulgi won’t be mad at you anymore once you buy her a doll. She loves dolls so much!”

Seungcheol flinched as he was suddenly brought back to the present.

Enough about reminiscing. He’s now given a chance to claim what was once his and to finally be a father to his kids. He realized that what he asked for Jeonghan was too much – when he asked them to suddenly leave the life they built in Boston and stay with them. But what choice did he have? Either that, or they’d be gone in his life again.

Still carrying Wonwoo in his arms, he started to rain kisses on his face to which the kid answered with giggles and shrieks.

_ Oh, how I wish we could do this with Seulgi and Jeonghan… _

As if Seungcheol’s thoughts had summoned him, he heard footsteps and saw Jeonghan slowly walking towards them, with little Seulgi lagging behind. She wasn’t glaring at him anymore, thank heavens. However, she looked as if she was hiding from him. Probably shy?

“Seulgi! Appa!” Wonwoo shrieked and the kid asked to be brought down. “Let’s go to grandma and grandpa!” The two merrily walked towards the direction of elders’ room, hand-in-hand, seemingly forgetting that their parents were just there. Jeonghan seemed not to mind, as there was a smile etched on his lips while watching the two walk away. He couldn’t take his eyes off him. He missed his smile.

Jeonghan turned to face him, as if sensing that he was staring. “I talked to her. Don’t worry, our daughter isn’t mad at you anymore,” the other said casually. “She’s just like that because she’s still a kid.”

_ Our _ daughter. It felt right hearing it. He felt his lips curving in a smile.

“Thank you, Jeonghan.”

The other looked surprised, his mouth slightly agape. Then he ran his tongue over his enticing lips, wetting it so that it glistens distractingly. Seungcheol stared hard, and a vivid scenario filled his mind where he was claiming those luscious lips once again, tasting the sweetness of those lips that once were only his to claim. He was suddenly lost in the curvature of his mouth that he was snapped back to the present when he heard him call his name. He could feel the blood rushing through his cheeks.

“Y-Yeah?” He stared at him for a second that seemed to stretch into eternity. 

_ I missed him… _

Jeonghan cleared his throat before he asked, “What time should we go to the mall?”

His words barely registered to his mind as his emotions were busy trying to bombard him with different feelings – feelings that were too hard to ignore.

_ I miss you… I miss you… I miss you… _

He didn’t know that it was possible to miss someone who was only a few centimeters away. Enthralled, he reached for the other’s face, but Jeonghan flinched and immediately backed away, surprised by the rashness of his actions. Seungcheol followed like he had an invisible leash hanging around his neck.

“W-What the hell is wrong with you?” Jeonghan asked, annoyed. His lips formed a thin line and he couldn’t read his face. _Think quickly before you blow this up!_

“Well?” Jeonghan asked impatiently, his eyebrow bobbing up and down and foot tapping on the floor. 

_ Quick thinking, quick! _

But a few seconds already passed and he couldn’t even utter a single word.

Jeonghan sighed. “You know what? Let’s just talk later when you finally want to talk.” He said as he turned around.

Seungcheol reached for Jeonghan's hand before he could leave. The other was surprised, but he was more surprised with himself.

Jeonghan's forehead creased. "Why?" he asked, which sounded more like _‘Whyyyyyyyyyy?’_

_ Yes, Choi Seungcheol. Why? _

But no words could explain why, really. Even his mind was in a state of nothingness. His teeth clenched, his jaw tightened, and his eyes twitched. He knew he looked funny. Frustration started to fill him up.

"I..." he tried to speak, but he really didn't know what to say.

_ Damn! _ What the hell was happening to him? He had never been this tongue-tied before. He had never been so unsure, yet here he was, unable to devise the right words as he stared at the other who was impatiently waiting for a coherent explanation.

***

Jeonghan wanted to laugh, but repressed the urge to do so as to avoid offending the other. Seungcheol looked funny, as if having digestive problems with the way his face twitched, seemingly not knowing what to say. His eyebrow arched. Seungcheol didn’t know what to say? Odd, but that’s new.

“I missed you. I missed you, Jeonghan…” The other finally spoke with the softest voice he ever heard. It was only a whisper, but this unexpected revelation tugged at something buried deep inside his heart.

He felt strange; too familiar yet too strange. He can't explain how he felt at the moment. He wanted to smile, to respond with something; but something in him was grabbing his heart too tight it might crush into pieces.

Hope? Relief? Sadness? Pain? Joy? Anger? _Damn!_

So what if Seungcheol missed him? Wasn’t it just normal to miss someone who you did not see for a long time?

_ But it’s Seungcheol, dimwit! He just doesn’t miss someone unless he’s special. _

_ Ah, so you think you’re special now huh? _

His eyebrows furrowed. Suddenly, the brightness within him was engulfed by something dark, until it became empty. The tug in his heart vanished along with the strange feelings. The only feeling that remained was anger. 

With a sigh, he asked irately, “Why would you miss someone who made your life miserable?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whenever I update on asianfanfics, I often forgot that I have an AO3 account. So forgive me if this looks abandoned, lol.   
Here's the link of the story to AFF where I update on time :D (https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1146036/)


	24. CHAPTER 23 [I Love Him/I Love Him Not]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive update started with CHAPTER 20 [“I’m your… daddy.”]

“Why will you miss someone who made your life miserable?”_ When day by day, you never failed to let me know how miserable you were with me, _he wanted to add. He also started to question the other’s sanity in his head. _He must be sick._

“Why will you miss someone you wanted to get rid of the most? Someone who took your happiness away? Someone you hate so much… so much that you’re willing to do anything just to get rid of him? Tell me… _why_?” 

Instead of answering, Seungcheol absent-mindedly said, “When I learned about our kids, I wondered how beautiful you must have looked like during pregnancy – with your massive tummy carrying our babies. You must have been the most beautiful pregnant man in the world, and I wish I had a memory of that, that I had been there for you, and that I was able to take care of you.” A soft smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, and his eyes sparkled with a mixture of elation and guilt. “I would give up anything just to have a piece of that memory.”

Against his will, Jeonghan felt his heart rate speed up and he rubbed his chest absently. His heart thumped against his chest, as if it was about to jump out of his throat all of a sudden.

“I’ve been living in denial for far too long. I even had to lose you before I realize what I wanted the most,” the other said hoarsely. “I still can’t believe you’re here. I’ve dreamt of it so many times.” Seungcheol’s dark brown orbs stared at him dreamily, as if hypnotizing him.

There was a stunned silence for a second as Jeonghan pursed his lips. “I’m not quite sure of the veracity of your statement. You’re not making any sense, you know,” Jeonghan folded his hands and raised his brow in an attempt to calm his racing heart. Seungcheol looked up and his eyes were sad, as if he already expected his detached response. Jeonghan’s heart twisted in his chest, and it required him a great deal of effort to will himself to fight through the delight slowly creeping up in his heart.

No. He’s got enough of this man.

Anger.

He should be angry at him. He had been burned once, and he would never let it happen again. His heart that was slowly softening a while ago suddenly hardened, like a magma that erupted from a volcano and solidified to form a rock. His face dimmed, but chose not to speak.

“I was an idiot when I pushed through with the divorce. At that time, all I could think of was how I wanted you to leave me, and that decision was the worst thing that I’ve ever done. It was so stupid. I was stupid.” His voice broke. “It must be very confusing and surprising for you to hear what I’m saying. I’m surprised myself too, that one day I’d be like this – foolish and desperate.”

Jeonghan’s face flushed with irritation. “Enough with this bullshit! What the fuck are you trying to say exactly?”

Seungcheol stared at him open-mouthed, probably surprised by his outburst and his use of expletives. The old Jeonghan never raised his voice no matter how badly he was treated, but now, Seungcheol should be used to how he became after all those years. Experience taught him how to be tough, and he wouldn’t let anyone break that protective shell he built around him. Especially not the person who made him that way.

"I did so much wrong when we were still together. Instead of savoring my time with you, I pushed you away so hard because I was frightened of my growing feelings for you. I should've told you, but I couldn't, and by the time I realized that I should at least need to try, it was already too late. You were gone..." His adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he tried to catch his eyes, then his cheeks flushed bright pink in color. “So I’m just saying that… I want you back in my life, Jeonghan.”

His heart thumped maddeningly. “Why?”

“Because I’m… in love with you. I love you.”

Jeonghan's eyes widened and rage suddenly filled his heart. He knew from the very start that to hear Seungcheol say those magical words would feel so good and ecstatic. But he didn’t expect that to hear it directly from him would make him feel so mad and break his heart. He never thought that there was an "I love you" that can bring pain. Lots of pain.

“Stop lying. You love Hyelim,” he sternly said. “In fact, you just divorced me just to get back to her. You wouldn’t divorce the one you love just to get back to the one you _don’t_ love.” _Stop telling me lies. Stop making me hate you more. Stop messing up with me! I don’t want to feel anything for you except hate!_

Seungcheol seemed oblivious with the current state of his emotions as he continued, “Falling in love with you was so different with what I felt for Hyelim, so I didn’t know how to do it right.”

Jeonghan bit his bottom lip so hard, so hard that he tasted the copper taste of blood. Why should he risk himself going back to someone who tossed him aside immediately without considering his feelings?

"You're doing this so you can get my full trust, to make me love you again, so you can get our children, aren’t you? Then you'll ask full custody of them afterwards, because when I fall in love with you all over again, you know that I won’t have the heart to refuse whatever you ask of me!" he accused, blinded at the look of hurt in the other’s face.

"No! I never thought of that! Listen, please-"

"No! _You_ listen to me. You will _never,_ ever make a fool out of me _again_. I've learned my lesson, and that is never to give my heart to you again! Stop messing up with me, _please._"

There were hurt, sadness, and surprise on Seungcheol's eyes. Well, what did he expect? That he was still the same old Jeonghan? That he would wiggle his tail, lick his face, and do whatever he asks like a dog to its owner, willing to please everyone just to get their love?

"You've changed so much." It wasn't a question, and more like Seungcheol was telling it himself.

"Yes, I did, because _you_ made me," he snorted.

"But… I really do love you, Jeonghan. Please believe me." There was desperation in his voice, but Jeonghan knew better than to believe a liar's plea. “The divorce was… was…” Seungcheol closed his eyes as if the words he’s about to say were choking him. Then he opened his eyes and stared at him with different emotions he couldn’t put a name into. “I thought I was doing something right by doing something wrong. I wasn't aware that I was loving Hyelim less and loving you more. And then when we got back together, I just couldn't love her anymore, the way that I learned to love you…”

Jeonghan bit his tongue, hung his head low, and bitterly laughed. Did Seungcheol really believe that he’s still the old gullible man he married years ago? Did he really believe that showering him with words he deemed romantic would suddenly change the way he viewed things now? He looked up and met the other’s stare. "Seven years ago, you made me feel as though you loved me when you learned I was pregnant. When you found out I wasn't, you just threw me away like a rotten trash," Jeonghan paused, then smiled a sarcastic one. "Now, when you learned about the kids, you were suddenly telling me you love me. Now answer me. After you gained my love and trust again, you'll take the children from me then throw me away like before, too. Am I right?"

When Seungcheol was about to protest, Jeonghan preempted him, "I can't even begin to tell you how many times you broke my heart. I can't even look at you without remembering those times—without feeling the pain, without anger consuming me, without my heart breaking."

The brim of Jeonghan’s eyes burned as he realized that finally, after years of taking it all in, he was able to tell Seungcheol face-to-face how hurt he had been with the way things had been for them. Seungcheol looked astounded as he stared at him. His mouth open and closed, as if wanting to say something yet didn’t know how to begin. 

Jeonghan tore his gaze away. The burning in his eyes intensified and his vision blurred. His chest felt too tight, as if his lungs had been deprived of oxygen. He couldn’t act tough anymore, so he finally broke and turned away, heading for the stairs, heading to anywhere else than there. Anywhere where Seungcheol wasn’t there. He couldn’t stand it anymore. Everything hurt too badly. He didn’t know why he should still be affected with what he revealed. They were already finished a long time ago. What they had was history. Past. An old story with a sad ending. Seungcheol should’ve kept that to himself, since what they had shouldn’t matter that much anymore, right? In the first place, he never even mattered to him, not ever.

He knew that eventually, they would have to have a real conversation about everything that happened in their past, but… should it happen now?

_Nothing he can do can make everything about us right…_

***

"I can't even begin to tell you how many times you broke my heart. I can't even look at you without remembering those times—without feeling the pain, without anger consuming me, without my heart breaking." 

Even to his ears, Jeonghan sounded broken. Seungcheol froze. Jeonghan's words stung as if he had punched him in the gut. Seungcheol’s throat swelled as he studied the other’s beautiful face, and his heart squeezed with emotion. 

His gaze lingered at Jeonghan who was now older and wiser but cold, his eyes which were once filled with life and joy now gazed at him with pain and hatred; his lips that used to curve into a beautiful smile now stiff and bitter. Would he still be able to see the life sparkle in his eyes again and feel the warmth of his smiles? Would he still be the same Jeonghan that loved him with all his heart? The Jeonghan whose space in his heart was so vast it can fit in so many people at the same time?

And then Jeonghan left without looking back, his tall stature looking dejected as he walked away.

It was his fault.

He had never seen Jeonghan hurt like that. It was horrible and he feel horrible knowing he was the cause of it. He never wanted to see him hurt… but what could he do if he was the one causing him pain?

_I’ve been hurting him since the beginning…_

Truth be told, Seungcheol wanted to go after Jeonghan and hug him, give him the comfort he needed, try and ease the pain he was feeling. If only he could take at least half of the pain he’s feeling... or even all of it. He wanted to be there for him, but—

_Fuck you, Choi Seungcheol. You want the impossible!_ He castigated himself upon realizing the futility of what he wanted to do. He had no right to give Jeonghan comfort when it was him who gave the other the biggest pain many years ago. It was also him who forced Jeonghan to escape from everyone and everything he loved when he decided to live in a country that was foreign to him, just so he could hide from him, thinking of the worst things he might do once he discover about his pregnancy.

He closed his eyes and pinched the skin between his eyes, feeling his energy slowly seeping out through his body.

If Jeonghan always thought of the worst of him, then that just means that he had really treated him so bad, so bad that he couldn’t be spared a benefit of the doubt. Maybe it's true what they say—hurting the person you love most is a slow form of torture in your soul. He swore he could feel his heartbreak echoing in his ears.

He had no idea that a heartbreak could be an actual, physical pain.

_How can I make things right? Will I ever make things right?_

*** 

“What? Seungcheol said he loves you?”

The wicked glint in Jun’s eyes at Jeonghan’s words made him grimace as he nodded his head, suddenly regretting his decision to meet up with Jun and confide in him the events earlier that gave him an unbearable headache. His high-pitched tone didn’t help with the pulsing sensation in his head either. He leaned back and rested his head on one of the cushions of Jun’s huge and comfortable beige sectional sofa.

“What did you tell him?” Jun asked, not hiding an ounce of playfulness and excitement in his voice which made him question where his loyalty lies. 

Jeonghan glared at him. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

Jun clapped his hands and grinned. “Of course, angel. This is like, the best story I’ve gotten from you so far!”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not telling you anything now.” 

Jeonghan didn’t really intend not to tell him. He just liked goofing around with Jun for once. Several _“please”_ and hilarious death threats passed before Jeonghan succumbed at his best friend’s cajolery and demands. He felt so tired having reiterated the conversation he had with his ex-husband and how he omitted the fact that he almost wanted to believe everything that Seungcheol said. It irked him how Jun was looking at him at the moment, as if he knew a secret he had yet to share with him.

“Why the hell are you looking at me like that? ‘You got something annoying to say?” he snapped, making sure his eyes looked murderous enough for the other to think twice before saying something that would infuriate him further.

He closed his eyes.

Goddamn it, he’s never been this grumpy before!

Several seconds passed by before Jun’s laughter filled the air, his brown curls bouncing and his normally happy face turning red from too much laughter. Jeonghan was confused.

“Sorry, sorry. I just think that you’re both dumb,” Jun apologized, wiping the sides of his eyes which watered due to too much laugher. “You loved him while you were married. And now that you’re divorced, he loves you now and I think that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in a while.”

Jeonghan nodded absently. “I agree.”

“And I’d bet my left testicle that you still love him the same,” Jun singsonged and raised his brow, silently challenging him to object.

Jeonghan’s brow arched and with his chin up, showing confidence, he said, “Well then, be ready to lose your left testicle because that is so not true. I don’t love him anymore.”

Jun playfully looked down his pants and rubbed his groin, making Jeonghan cringe in disgust. “Nope, left testicle still intact! You still love him, angel.”

Jeonghan grunted, “No.”

Jun rolled his eyes. “Okay, whatever makes you sleep at night,” he sarcastically said, ending their discussion and letting Jeonghan get the rest he deserved.

***

By the time Jeonghan went back to the Choi mansion after a few hours of taking refuge in Jun’s home, he was welcomed by an unusual quietness. There were no noisy footsteps from the twins, no squealing and shouting, no sound of toys being smashed and tossed around—total silence except for a few maids going back and forth doing their chores.

His heightened senses tried to locate Seungcheol, but even his eyes couldn’t search for the man he wished not to see at the moment. He should feel relieved, but with the disappearance of Seulgi and Wonwoo, he couldn’t keep his calm.

“Excuse me,” he called the attention of the maid who was busy wiping the vases with clean cloth. “Where are… where are the twins?”

“Good afternoon, Sir Jeonghan. The twins are with Sir Seungcheol and his parents, out-of-town. He’s been trying to call you but your phone is dead. He said to tell you that if you wish to know where they are, just give him a call,” the maid politely answered, her facial expression blank. Then she went back to her chore after a polite bow.

_Out of… town?_

Jeonghan’s blood rushed to his ears in building anger. The anger and frustration of the last few hours tangled into one massive surge of force and erupted into rage.

How dare he? How dare Seungcheol take away his children without consulting him first? Even if he couldn’t reach him, he could’ve waited for him to come back and make a decision. Had he had no respect for him at all? He’s also their parent, the other half of their blood line. Damn him!

With rage filling him up, he went up to his assigned bedroom while fumbling through his phone. Twenty-three missed calls and ten messages, but he ignored them all and went on to dial Seungcheol’s number. After a few rings, the other finally answered.

_“Hello?”_

“Hello yourself! Where did you take my children?”

_“Easy. I didn’t run away with them and I don’t intend to hide them from you,” _a sexy chuckle escaped from his throat. _“Your parents asked me to take them to your beach house in Ulsan.”_

“What? Why didn’t they tell me?”

_“They said they couldn’t reach you, so…”_

_Shit!_

“But you didn’t even wait for me,” he accused. He winced at the note of whiny complaint in his voice. He didn’t like to sound whiny, but that’s how it sounded like. His cheeks turned pink.

_“I’m so sorry. Your parents coaxed me into thinking it was such an emergency. They told me to just leave you and go on with the twins. But don’t worry, I’ll have the driver pick you up and the helicopter is already on standby. You’ll be here in no time, babe.”_

Babe?

Jeonghan’s heart banged in his chest and panic filled him suddenly like he had inhaled butterflies and they’re having a riot through his stomach. Why did it sound so right in his ears?

_“I’ll tell the driver to pick you up in thirty minutes, yeah?”_

“S-Sure. I’ll just pack my things.”

_“Alright. See you. Be safe.” _The line ended.

Jeonghan sat at the edge of the huge four-poster bed, wondering what the hell just happened. It wasn’t the kind of situation he expected once he got back home. He expected Seungcheol to bug him, to ask for his time, to have the time to explain further. Not this—like he took hostage of their children and he had to rescue them but with their parents’ consent. What could be more complicated than that? _Everything’s so fucked up._

“Will my heart be ever safe with you around, Choi Seungcheol?” he whispered as he started to gather his essential things and pack.


	25. CHAPTER 24 [Sometimes you have to get lost to be found again]

“I want to ride a _hewwycopter_ again, daddy!” Seulgi exclaimed happily and beamed a brilliant smile, and it only took Seungcheol a quarter of a millisecond to beam back a thousand-watt smile.

_‘Daddy’, finally. _His face warmed with glee. “Of course, baby. Anything for you.”

“With Jeonghan appa?” Wonwoo asked, his tiny eyes fixed on him with anticipation.

He ruffled the kid’s hair. “Definitely. He’ll kill me if he got left behind,” he answered with a chuckle, remembering the phone conversation they had a while ago. _We’ll be okay soon, right?_

“Nope! Jeonghan appa is kind, he will not kill you.”

“Yeah, he even cried when he tried to kill the _cockwoach_, right, Seulgi?” The other kid nodded her head.

Seungcheol rubbed his chin, thinking deeply. “Isn’t that because he’s afraid of cockroaches, too?”

“Yep, that’s why we all cried,” Wonwoo sheepishly admitted, earning a boisterous laughter from everyone.

***

The cheery scene of his kids and their other father seemingly having a good time was what greeted Jeonghan. It surprised him at how the twins naturally accepted their other father’s sudden appearance in their lives. Maybe because they’re still young and really longed for their dad that they didn’t need an in-depth explanation of the situation. They’re too young and their innocence didn’t need rationalizations, so it’s easier for them to accept some things that for adults were considered complicated. One day they were asking about their dad, then the dad showed up, and they patched things up easily. No grudges, no raised voices, no confrontations. That simple.

He sighed inwardly.

Why couldn’t it be the same with adults? Why should everything be difficult? Why couldn’t a simple _‘I’m sorry, I won’t do it again’_ be enough?

Deciding that thinking of things that wouldn’t have an explanation wasn’t worth his time, he decided to let his presence be known by clearing his throat. It quickly got the three’s attention as they turned to him and with a huge smile on his lips, he urged the kids to give him a hug. They immediately lunged forward with a delightful squeal and tackled him, and thank heavens for the very soft carpet rugs or else they all would have fallen down on the hard floor, bruises and all.

“Whoa! Easy there, my giant babies,” he exclaimed, laughing as the kids rained wet kisses on his face. He was glad they were happy to see him. “I’ve just been gone from your naughty asses for a few hours and you missed me already, huh?”

“They obviously do,” Seungcheol said. His lips curved in a smile, showing the dimple on his right cheek that charmed lots of people, especially _him_.

_Before! That was before!_

He scowled at the other in response to let the other know he still wasn’t off the hook and immediately turned his gaze back to the kids and ruffled their hair, trying to distract himself from the unwanted feelings that Seungcheol was bringing him. “And whose fault is that? You left without notifying me,” he grunted, trying to sound annoyed. He stood up and helped the kids, too.

“We were trying to call you many times, appa, but you weren’t answering until your phone died,” Seulgi said with a pout, her small eyes glaring up at him. “Where were you? You didn’t tell us you’re leaving.”

Jeonghan’s expression softened, feeling guilty as he realized he completely forgot about his kids and managed to prioritize his own feelings before them. “I’m sorry. I just went to Uncle Jun to… _uhm,_ he asked me to help him bake,” he lied, hoping the kids wouldn’t ask anything further.

“Bake? I love cakes! Did you bake a cake, appa, or is it cookies?” Wonwoo chirped in, his eyes wide in anticipation. The kid had a huge appetite, like him. He inwardly smiled as he softly pinched his chubby cheeks.

“Let’s bake whatever you want tomorrow, yeah?” The kid nodded his head enthusiastically. His face warmed with love for his kids. Then suddenly, he remembered to ask, “Oh, by the way, where are your grandpas and grandmas?”

“They went to a spa lounge, saying they all need pampering to look cool and young for the wedding anniversary party,” Seungcheol answered. His eyebrow arched to an immeasurable degree when Seulgi asked to be carried, which the other gladly did and now the little brat was happily placed in his father’s arms._ They’re this close now?_

Jeonghan tapped his chin, thinking. “Crap. I forgot it’s their 35th anniversary in two days,” he muttered guiltily while recognizing how terrible of a son he was. He had never forgotten their anniversary. He was surprised when a chuckle escaped from the other.

“Oh, no. You haven’t bought them presents yet?” Seungcheol asked, sounding concerned, but the playful smirk on his lips gave away the fact that he was just teasing him. He knew what he was playing—he was toying with his guilt because he was up to something. His eyes narrowed and he scowled, not caring if their kids were watching.

He was surprised when Seungcheol squeezed his eyes closed and laughed, letting off a nice throaty sound which made his pulse bump up. “I haven’t bought one, too. ‘Want to shop before they get back, or you want to rest first and do the shopping tomorrow? It’s just four in the afternoon, anyway,” he offered with a smile.

Jeonghan felt a tug in his heart upon realizing how often Seungcheol smiled at him now, and he felt scared with the way his heart reacted. What if he lost control and started pining for him again? That would be a complete torture, right? It would be a breach to what he promised himself years ago – to only focus his love for his self and his kids and no one else.

“Appa! Mall!” Wonwoo exclaimed as he took his hand and shook them excitedly, his small bright eyes looking up at him in anticipation. If he said yes, then that would be officially the first time that they’d go out as _family_. Suddenly, the image of them all walking side by side filled his mind. A complete, happy family he had always imagined.

He turned his gaze at Seungcheol, meeting his gorgeous brown orbs, and he noticed that he was holding out his breath in anticipation for his answer. He smiled at him, and surprisingly, he returned the smile. His heart felt tight with emotion as he held the other’s affectionate gaze.

“That’s a yes?” Seungcheol asked breathlessly. He nodded. _We’ll just go to the mall, what’s the harm in that?_

“Yes! New toys!” the kids shouted in unison, earning a big laughter from them.

***

The trip to the mall had gone surprisingly well and enjoyable. They bought their gifts quickly, him choosing a set of jewelry for his mom and few pieces of designer clothes for his dad, while Seungcheol bought luxurious tea sets for his mom and an expensive golf club set for his dad. When they were done, they finally indulged the kids and went to every toy shop there was and let the kid buy all the toys they want as long as they were able to carry them. When they were finished, they went into a fast food restaurant as what the children wanted and started eating. Wonwoo was seating in Seungcheol’s lap while the other happily fed him, while Seulgi sat beside him and ate on her own, with him occasionally wiping the sides of her mouth.

“Jeonghannie appa, fries?” Wonwoo asked, eyeing the fries beside him. Jeonghan smiled, took a few pieces, and put them in the kid’s tiny mouth. Wonwoo munched happily and Jeonghan fed Seulgi, too.

“Ain’t this funny?” Seungcheol asked, almost whispering. “We had to get separated before we started going out as a family?”

Jeonghan looked at the other and found him staring intently at him. His lips pursed. “We didn’t have the kids yet when we were married, so we really can’t go out as a family,” he answered, ignoring the violent tug in his heart.

Seungcheol nodded. “Yeah, but we could have been if only I wasn’t stupid enough…” he sighed, then fell silent as he continued feeding the kid on his lap. He did the same and tried to focus on their food.

When dinner was finished and the kids looked tired already, they decided it was finally time to go home. It didn’t take long inside the car before the kids fell asleep, and when they finally reached the house, they each had to carry a kid and tucked them on their beds. They decided not to wake them up because the kids would surely just get cranky if their sleep got disturbed and they both didn’t want a terrifying night of monstrous children yelling. When they were finally settled, Seungcheol gestured for him to follow and without hesitation, he did. He followed behind him and couldn’t help but notice that the years they were apart seemed to make Seungcheol more… buff and handsome, if that’s possible. His muscles were definitely bigger now than it was before. His biceps were smooth and tight, packed hard everywhere in a manner that suggested hard labor inside a gym. No wonder he could easily carry the twins simultaneously. Obviously, the years had done him good and he definitely aged well.

They put to a stop when they reached the chaise lounge chairs beside the gigantic pool. They sat quietly, facing each other, the bollard lights scattered everywhere giving off a calming vibe.

“So?” he asked when a few minutes passed without any sign that the other would talk. “What do you want to talk about?” He did not need to worry about talking loudly and having anyone hear their conversation. Their parents were already in their bedrooms even before they got home, as what his mother had texted him.

“Listen… for the sake of your parents’ anniversary, I would like to propose a… truce,” Seungcheol said, offering his hands.

_A truce?_ Yeah, why not? For their parents, the kids… and most of all, for them. It would a lot be better if they stay civil with one another. Less complication, less stress.

“If you are not yet ready to accept me in your life, I’ll respect it. But I’ll have you know that I won’t stop making you feel how much I regret what happened before and that I… I really do have feelings for you.”

_Feelings for me, huh? Let’s see how real it is..._

As he accepted Seungcheol’s hand for a handshake, he felt a shock that was so intense he looked down at their clasped hands to see if there were sparks. There were none, but… what the hell? He blinked and rapidly pulled away. It wasn’t the first time they touched; they did more than that, with the twins as proof. So what the hell was wrong with him to feel those excruciating electric shocks as if he was a teenager experiencing raging hormones for the first time? He looked at the other to know if he somehow felt that, too. He felt his stomach flip over when he met the other’s gaze. He had on an expression which clearly said _‘Yeah, I felt it, too’_ and Jeonghan’s heart started pounding mercilessly.

He tore his gaze as he remembered something. Yeah, a distraction. He needed that. He fished his phone through his back pocket and started tapping.

***

"There's something I think you should see." Jeonghan muttered as he tapped on his phone and held it out for Seungcheol to see. On the screen was a picture of two newborn babies, pink and wrinkled and asleep. _My babies..._

"They're so tiny and beautiful," he said breathlessly, mesmerized and unable to tear his gaze away from the picture. He wanted so much to touch the screen and pretend that he’d be able to bring back time if he did, but fought the urge to do so.

"Yeah,” Jeonghan answered with pride and glimmer in his eyes. “Joshua took this picture after I gave birth to them."

Seungcheol stared at it longer, fighting off the urge to scowl and raise his voice. Who the hell is Joshua? But he let the thought off as a part of him wanted the other to send him the picture, but an even larger part of him was thinking how demoralizing and sad it was that he had to make a request like that because he had not been there when they were born. He exhaled and unconsciously muttered, "I wish I was there to see and experience it for myself."

"I'm so sorry I can't get back in time and make a different decision."

Seungcheol inched closer and took the pretty male's hand, not minding if he was disappointed at him or not. All that mattered was to see him happy again. "I'm so sorry, too," he said. "For all the wrong things I've done."

Jeonghan nodded, but he was unable to read his expression. “The twins were six minutes apart, and Seulgi was the first one, in case you want to know,” he said. “And if you want, we can process their birth certificates so they can legally become a Choi.” For a split second, Seungcheol thought he saw disappointment in Jeonghan’s face when he let go of his hand. But he must have just imagined it because when he blinked, it wasn’t there anymore.

Seungcheol smiled and muttered a soft ‘_Thank you’_. He knew that Jeonghan was mad at him when he gave birth, so he understood why he didn’t let the twins take his surname. And he appreciated how Jeonghan was making an effort now to include him in their lives.

"Were you… were you craving for anything when you were still pregnant?" he asked randomly.

"Carrots dipped in peanut butter," Jeonghan answered shyly. “It was disgusting, really, just looking back at it. I got weird looks from Jun when he saw me eating those. He almost gagged when he tasted it himself, saying my cravings were as weird as I am. But during that time, it was the most delicious thing in the world for me.”

"Oh, wow," Seungcheol muttered, and he couldn't exactly pinpoint how he felt about it. Was he disgusted by it or not? Nah, he thinks he’s more amused. "Was it an easy one?"

Jeonghan automatically smiled at the question. "It depends. The first six months were a disaster. I easily cried, mind you. One time Jun and I were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and it made me cry though nothing on the episode should trigger my tears. It was so funny because Jun immediately switched channels and we watched a gore horror film, and to his surprise, I kept on laughing as if it was a comedy film. I’m that weird while pregnant,” he reminisced with a smile etched on his lips. “I think it wasn’t that bad. I’d be happy if I get to be pregnant again.”

Both of them froze, but Jeonghan quickly cleared his throat and added, “With another man’s baby, of course. Once I found the one who’s really meant to be with me. And maybe, you can get to experience that, too, once you finally met the woman you’d spend the rest of your life with. I hope you’ll be patient with her because it’s not as easy as you think it is.” Then he laughed awkwardly.

He knew that Jeonghan was babbling. He noticed that he usually did that whenever he was put in an awkward situation. But still, the thought of him with another man brought his blood into a boil. He had to stifle the territorial feelings that started to arise in him. God, he wanted Jeonghan by himself, but he couldn’t voice that out since they just had a truce, right? It would just complicate things and would definitely make Jeonghan upset. It’s not yet the right time to pursue his feelings. There’s a right time for that, and when that time finally comes, he’d do everything to make everything right, he swore.

_And then you’ll be carrying my baby again in no time…_

He smiled. Just thinking about it already fills his heart with happiness.

“Oh, I forgot to say, and I don’t know if your parents already told you, but my cousin and best friend Vernon will come tomorrow to meet the kids. You already know him, right?”

Jeonghan thought quietly for a while. “Yeah, I know him. The one who looks like the Hollywood actor?”

He chuckled. “Yeah, him. He said he’ll bring along his new boyfriend and his boyfriend’s sister.”

Jeonghan nodded. “That’s cool. The kids will surely be happy to meet them, I’m sure.”

“Great. His boyfriend’s sister is a teacher, I know they’ll get along really well. He said Irene is really good with kids.”

He smiled without noticing the frown on the other’s face.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOOOPS. Teacher Irene sounds like a dilemma, doesn’t she? :D
> 
> SURPRISEEEEEEEE! I'm still here, omg. Sorry for the mistakes in this chapter, I really didn't review this much before posting ;; I just want this posted ASAP so I can work on the next chapters (Did you know that I drafted Chapter 25 first before I even get to start this chapter??? Yes I'm that weird :D ))


End file.
